Croiss-ing the line

THING: Controversial croissants

My son is going to study law at university (my son, the lawyerrr!) and in preparation he has been following the real-life High Court case of JELLYCAT vs NEXT, a fierce legal battle over this croissant with a smiley face on it.

Jellycat claims that Next has stolen their intellectual (in the loosest sense) property with this doorstop, and are suing them for substantial damages.

Now, I’m not a lawyer, but the fact that croissants are involved in this case is kinda making me want to be one. And if I was, I would argue that this particular croissant doesn’t have legs and is also a doorstop, rather than an outrageously overpriced soft toy which will inevitably be dropped from a pram and end up on a railing next to a single mitten.

And surely Jellycat hasn’t got a croissant leg to stand on because come on, have you ever been to Lidl?? They make enough rip-offs to fill the entire Greek-style island of Eradinous. It’s called a dupe, babe! Everything is a dupe nowadays. Nothing is real, nothing is original. Look in the mirror for a moment and you’ll realise you are actually just a pixellated avatar of a kitten blow-drying a rooster and your house is a ghost kitchen for a Chinese hot pot restaurant.

Also, can Jellycat really claim they’re the first people to ever put a smiley face on a croissant? There’s a whole army of cute squishy food items out there that might have something to say about that, if only they could open their mouths. Who is advocating for the anthropomorphic croissant community? Or the brunch collective as a whole? After all, cute brunch items currently make up 10% (citation needed) of all novelty crap in the shops at the moment. And surely if we imply that all of them are the intellectual property of Jellycat, are we not erasing the lived experience of this croissant plant holder from B&M?

Or Claude the Croissant from Online Home Stores?

Or Colette the Croissant, stocked by John Lewis?

Or even this guy? Whatever the hell he is. (Churros? Polenta? A fish finger?)

Anyway, I think Jellycat is going to lose this battle, because sticking a face on a croissant is about as original as brushing your teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste twice a day for your whole life. Everyone’s doing it!

Mind you, if they do win, just wait until the High Court finds out about Aldi’s Nutoka Nutella or the concept of a meme - they’ll flip their wigs. Or how about that thing where AI companies have stolen the intellectual property of millions of writers?

Hahaha! Nah, nobody cares about that.

VERDICT: Flake news

THING: BBM Bargains

B&M and Home Bargains give zero hoots about what and who they dupe, but what happens when you copy the copiers? I was wandering through Glasgow’s West End when I chanced upon this rather familiar looking shop:

BBM Bargains. What does the BBM stand for, I wonder? Bargains, Bargains and More? Basic Bitch Megastore? Big Bowel Movements? I don’t know, because their Wix website has about two words on it and a picture of 600 Glade air fresheners.

What I do know is that they sell enormous glittery vases, balls galore, all the colours of the vapebow, loads of screws and gibbets and gubbins, and these very natural flowers that look like they’ve been stolen off someone’s grave.

This photo doesn’t do the colours justice, I’m afraid. I had to put on my Eclipse glasses.

If you don’t have any money for grave flowers, though, don’t worry. Just save your pennies in a tin king bin and come back later:

I couldn’t be arsed taking any more pictures but let’s just say that this place is a cross between Poundstretcher, a 24-hour mini-market run by people traffickers and Arkwright’s shop in Open All Hours. A heady mix, indeed.

Apparently, BBM Bargains are springing up all over the UK, which just goes to show what a depressing toilet we are all living in right now. Maybe Andy BBurnhaM should unveil a plan to stop BBMs in all town centres, and only allow the official B&M or Home Bargains stores to sell fake Jellycat croissants? Come on, we need to uphold some standards in this country.

VERDICT: Argy Bargy

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