What it really takes to Trust

Most people will say they want trust in a relationship... they want someone to surrender to them, to give themselves fully — but have you considered if you are trustworthy? What that really means on a deeper level?

A lot of people ask for trust without inquiring into their own actions, and what is required to be a trustworthy person. Trust isn’t something you simply ask for or give, it’s something you become capable of cultivating and holding.

We can likely all recognise it requires honesty — and we can’t be a totally honest person if we’re not honest with ourselves (and let’s be real, most people aren’t honest with themselves) If you don’t deeply know yourself, if you’re not willing to face your deepest desires and fears and shadows then — whether intentional or not — you will eventually be dishonest. You’ll say you’re ok with something when really subconsciously you’re not, and your reaction will reveal this dissonance... and the other will feel the gap in your words and response.

If you’re willing to sell out your values in exchange for convenience, power, access, money etc... your actions will be seen and the dissonance will be felt. You might think you wouldn’t do this, but honestly most people do in some way or another. Being radically aligned to your true core values requires sacrifice, inconvenience and discipline. Each time your words and actions fail to align, the witness will take note. Are you reliable? Do you show up?

Trust requires self control.... Do you show self control or are you impulsive? Are you emotionally reactive or volatile? Can you really trust someone who is at the whim of every desire and emotion... someone who lacks containment and ability to choose how to respond? This is not just about day to day life, but this quality will reveal itself in the erotic realms with undisciplined erotic energy that pushes and leaks.

How you handle conflict will affect how trustworthy you are — how do you treat people when they call you out/in? How do you treat people who make mistakes around them? How do you handle a no? To trust we need to know repair is possible and accountability will be taken when mistakes are made or we wobble from our values.

How we communicate says a lot about our trustworthiness. Do we speak with respect or with shame and blame? Are we clear about our needs, desires, values and boundaries or are we vague and confusing?

Can you trust someone you feel constantly confused by?

And it’s a two way street here — can someone be absolutely honest and soul-naked in front of you about who they are and what they’ve done, and can you witness with love or will you collapse into shame and blame? We don’t need to be able to handle absolutely anything anyone throws at us, but in committed relationship this kind of soul-baring raw truth and ability to hold that truth will determine a lot about your true compatibility. Can someone reveal they have attraction to another person in front of you? Can they admit when they’re doubting the relationship? Can they be honest about their dissatisfaction? If we have to hide ourselves, we prevent true connection and prevent us both from having the opportunity to know and see one another.

And on a more subtle level, trustworthiness is felt on an energetic level.

If you’re with someone who seems distracted, reactive, resentful or ‘off’ then your instincts will cause you to brace and withhold. This is deeply revealed in the erotic realm, where the embodiment of your presence and attunement is felt viscerally. A body won’t surrender easily to someone who is unable to be trusted with it.

I believe that for a vast majority of people, their deepest longing in relationship is to be able to trust and surrender completely to the other person, to be able to give themselves fully.

And this is a vulnerable act. The other holds a power to shatter that trust in a single action. We may experience micro-breaches of trust multiple times in a day, from little bids for attention that were dismissed to someone promising to take out the trash and forgetting. But most of these micro-breaches can be repaired and balanced with deeper levels of integrity and reliability. Major breaches of trust, especially when trust is given in complete surrender, can be near impossible to recover from.

Becoming a trustworthy person is, for most people, a lifelong journey. We will be constantly tested with how true we stay to our values — we’ll be tempted by power, money, sex, drugs... Can we stay true? Can we show up when it’s not easy?

If you’re reading this and noticing the desire to point the finger at others, and don’t see at least some area here where you hold an unintegrated piece, then I invite you to practice that radical honesty with self and go back to look over and see where you can grow too. While discernment over others trustworthiness is important, we each have the possibility to evolve to become a more and more trustworthy person year by year. And often that will attract others who embody that level of trustworthiness and the possibility of a deeply trusting secure relationship. Because someone who embodies this frequency won’t mess around with people who are deluding themselves and others.

There is no final destination here, because there are always more subtleties and possibilities to see blindspots and patterns that pull us from integrity and truth.

I can tell you from my personal experience that there are few things in this world more powerful, meaningful and vulnerable than having a relationship with absolute trust between two people who have committed fully to truth and showing up for ourselves and each other. To be able to let yourself be fully seen and known at every layer of your being because you know that person can meet you there. To build a life with someone in the deepest surrender to that love, knowing how precious that trust is and how honouring the trust requires you to live in utmost integrity.

To have the accountability not just to your own values for your own sake, but because you hold another’s heart and this precious gift of their trust — betraying your word would mean damaging that beautiful gift and sacrificing the security you have built over time together.

It changes you.

It’s indescribable.

It’s a big responsibility.

We deeply want it, but few will really do what it takes to go there.

Because it’s easier to just speak words of integrity and trust without really looking at what it actually takes to build that. And to have a mirror by your side, day by day, calling you into integrity on deeper levels because they see you and they know you, and they gave this trust. This is why the path of sacred relating is no soft path. While it may have a lot of beautiful blissful moments, the raw reality of it is not for the faint of heart.

It requires everything from you, because it’s no longer just about you.

It’s easier to run, to avoid, to cling, to fawn, to play into those protective patterns you’ve learned to protect and mitigate the risk.

How bad do you really want it?

If you’re on this path then check out the free PDF of our ‘Liberating Love Principles’ which offers our 9 core relating principles to build a truly evolutionary relationship.

Soon, we’ll be launching an Intimacy Reset mini-course and then a full new offering courses for couples comitted to awakening through intimacy.

I also coach singles and couples on this, if you need a secure guide to help you align your values and desires to you actions in your life to create the deep liberatory love you crave.