Our matriarchal marriage ceremony

Every year, millions of couples participate in a ritual of patriarchal oppression unconsciously. Even many feminist women who don’t quite think about what they’re enacting as they go through the motions of what is ‘tradition’ or expected of them.

Its not marriage itself that is the problem, getting married was one of the best decisions I have ever made, and it totally took me by surprise because I was never the ‘marriage type’ (much more of a punk ‘fuck that hallmark BS kinda gal)... The issue is that the things we call tradition in wedding ceremonies almost all have deeply problematic roots, and enacting rituals and ceremonies are a form of embodied magic. The gestures, symbology, practices and customs all contribute to what we are engraining into our union, and we can be setting the stage for an empowering coming together of equals in love, or we can be unconsciously creating oppression and domination through our actions, ritualizing old paradigm dynamics that keep their power tethered to this earth and our relationships.

For those who do not yet know, matriarchy is not ‘women ruling over men’ but equality and family-centered societies that are about co-operation and co-creation instead of domination and hierarchy. Humans are naturally matriarchal and patriarchy is related to scarcity and a maladapted trauma response. When I say matriarchal marriage I mean a true union of equals, a sacred union which is not based on ownership or possession but of sovereign beings coming together to co-create a life.

We do rituals and ceremonies to have a transformational affect on our psyches, and most people are symbolically continuing the oppression of women and calling it romance. When we perform a ritual or ceremony we speak to the deep subconscious and we go through a process with an intentional outcome. A ritualist or ceremony guide knows that each step speaks to a different part of us, and so much of this is below the typical conscious mind. Is it any wonder that so many marriages end in abuse when the practices they ritualized came from a place of abuse?

Its been over 2 years since my wedding, and I have been meaning to share an article breaking down what we did and why for quite some time. I am a ritualist, I create rituals in my retreats, trainings and containers for a living — so I of course wanted to go deep into the ritual of the wedding and design something that aligned with the love and intentions of what this union means to me/us.

I also spend a lot of my time talking about liberation, empowerment, breaking out of the old paradigm of domination and patriarchy BS and inviting people into the new love paradigm. So of course I ruthlessly questioned every part of the ritual symbology and practices I was participating in on the journey, and stripped out everything that felt oppressive or unaligned. I am also Aquarius AF, and my husband is Sagittarius AF (both with 4 planets in each), and the union of these 2 rebellious signs definitely called for something unconventional, fun, unique and powerful.

We called our wedding LOVEFEST and ran it as a mini festival to celebrate all things love, not just our own. I am going to now share with you the process and all we learned and questioned along the way, what we did differently and why, to give the world some inspiration on how we did it and why you can break all the rules and have a wonderful time in the process.

Also it’s a perfect reason to actually post these amazing photos from the wedding that are sitting around not being shown off nearly enough!

For some people this might be obvious, for others (like past me) it might be a bit more of an inquiry. Isn’t it some patriarchal ownership document anyway?

Tristen and I are both queer, non-monogamous (though definitely more leaning mono now more than ever) feminists who are Tantrikas and deeply spiritual, yet in the arty-weirdo way rather than the spiritual-identity kinda way. 2 Years into our relationship we did a handfasting ritual and committed to a year bound together (I called it my ‘Triss-flix subscription) as a way to deepen our relationship which had been a little one-foot-in, one-foot-out vibes for too long before that. After some deep shadow work processes on a retreat, I realised the passion and romance I craved couldn’t emerge without going ‘all in’, and we both wanted to see what this union could be if we stepped all the way in to it.

We found the commitment to be so powerful that it kick-started another honeymoon period, created deep security within our dynamic as well as the passion and squishy love we both really wanted but were too avoidant to admit to. It actually felt more freeing than caging to commit, especially since we were still very ‘polysensual’ at the time and free to have intimacy with others. We renewed the year commitment after that year.

During the next year we had a possibility of living in Europe together managing a retreat center, and realised if we were doing that, we should get married legally for visa reasons. The conversation on marriage wasn’t very romantic at first, it was kind of what I’d always imagined — marriage for visa and practicality, not for any romantic ideals. Though, as I talked to a mentor about it, I uncovered deeper desires to be fully romantic and squishy about it — to let our profound love radiate out into our families and community, to be truly witnessed in the depths of what we had together and to really become family with this human who was my favourite human in the world. To us, that was actually at the front of the why — to be officially family. As 2 ‘black sheep’ types, we were very much on our own path in life. To be truly recognised as family felt important and worthwhile.

Also, weddings are one of those milestones that creates a reason to celebrate love and bring people together, and that’s my soul work in life. What other occasions are people willing to fly across the country for that bring people together like this? And since I love event planning, rituals and getting creative with events, so it felt like a fun project to explore.

Which brings us to the journey from engagement to marriage.

Did you know engagement rings were actually a type of dowry originally? The man gave a woman an expensive ring to essentially take her off the market.. as a promise of commitment. It was also possibly they might be naughty before the wedding and she may end up ‘deflowered’ (and thus ‘devalued’ in the market) because of an engagement, so the ring was like a collateral if he bailed and left her heart broken and unwanted by others.

We also wondered — why did only she get a ring? Why does he have to ask? (if you’re hetero of course, gays are free of that expectation!)

I was the one who initially proposed we get married for visas (since I am the one with dual citizenship) and it was very unromantic and awkward (in a campervan in a parking lot… and if you know me I’m quite the awkward potato when it comes to things like this or flirting). We were then passing through Paris and decided to ask each other to marry each other a bunch of times in cute places so we could have some more fun stories to tell of our engagement. We went and bought ‘engagement jewelry’ together (I got a nose ring which i lost after fracturing my nose on a dance floor a few weeks later.. and Triss got an earring). So we both had some bling and both asked each other romantically different times.

I love that it’s becoming more of a trend for women to ask their partners, rather than waiting to be asked. Because let’s be real — more often women are more clear of what they want and why in this regard, and while the romantic notion of being surprised and chosen is sweet, why isn’t it sweet also to be brave and bold and connected to the profound love in your heart and to the act of choosing them? In animals mating rituals usually the male impresses and the female who then chooses her mate. A sexy, powerful, amazing woman choosing her partner and saying yes, you are amazing and worthy and I will have you.... that is actually pretty hot and empowering. The fear of rejection is real on either side, but any person brave enough to share their heart and longing deserves some credit!

We did decide to do wedding rings (even though that was a question mark since we were more open in our relationship at the time, and didn’t want rings to say ‘Hey don’t flirt with me!’ to others) because it felt like a tradition of symbology (eternal love with no start and end) that we did resonate with.

Why white? In the West it’s just a given that the bride will wear white, though many Eastern cultures have a range of colour options. I decided to look into the origins of the choice, especially since it was usually referred to as ‘Virgin White’ (and surprise surprise, I wasn’t a virgin when I got married!)

Turns out this started with Queen Victoria. “Royal brides before Victoria did not typically wear white, instead choosing "heavy brocaded gowns embroidered with white and silver thread," with red being a particularly popular colour in Western Europe more generally”. The famous quote about why is "It is an emblem of the purity and innocence of girlhood and the unsullied heart she now yields to the chosen one." It was also linked to wealth, as especially back then it was very hard to keep a gown pristine white, and it was not something you could re-use, while a different coloured gown could be used for other occasions.

Red was popular both in the East and West before this time (and still to this day in India and some other parts of Asia) and is associated with love, passion and the divine feminine. In Tantra, Shakti is connected to the Red Bindu, and the female essence. White is the light of pure consciousness, or Shiva. This is why you see many Indian brides in Red and the men in White.

Gold is another popular colour, associated with the heart, wealth, prosperity and power.

I opted to represent my fierce, Shakti nature—to represent love and eros and my divine female blood by wearing red. People automatically assumed my dress was Indian or we were having an Indian wedding because of this, even though I designed the dress to be more of a classical western style. A lot of our wedding was the merging of East and West, both since we live in Asia and practice spiritual traditions of the East, and because Tristen is half Chinese/Malay.

Getting my dress made in Bali ended up one hell of a shit-show drama, but I won’t go into that here. I was glad on the day that I did opt for real silk, even if it conflicted with my ethics (sorry silk worms!), because the wedding was 43 degrees and I would have died in synthetic. I eventually cut the dress and turned it into a skirt and top I wear at Temples and events.

Triss did get his outfit from an Indian shop because lets be real — they have some of the coolest fashion for weddings and most stuff made for men is just boring AF. He had to match me, of course ;)

We didn’t do 'bachelor’ or ‘bachelorette’ parties, which also have some iffy roots but can be done intentionally. I guess working as a stripper for 10 years I had more than enough of them and especially the trope of ‘My last night of freedom before the ball and chain comes on!’. I was disgusted by the way some men talked about their upcoming wedding, how they were grieving and sad to be ‘tied down’… like, why even bother?

Turns out this is part of the origins of Batchelor parties - A grieving ritual for their last freedoms before they are ‘shackled’ to a woman (poor her) and a way to re-assert the primary relationship of the male-alliance. The Hens night came later in the 19th century but inherited some of the cringe of the male counterpart. I also learned that ‘bridal showers’ were a way to support a woman to get enough dowery to afford her marriage.

We had friends flying across to us to help us set up the festival, and a lot of work to do. We decided instead to have some solo time and time together alone, then time with our friends before the wedding.

I had a solo silent day which I was very glad for. As any event organisers know, things go really fast before a big event and it’s hard to ground and take a breath. I meditated, danced with the trees, made a clay Venus for our love temple altar and journalled a lot. I let the transition truly sink in, to really let myself feel the bigness of this step that was easy to miss as I was busy preparing.

We then had some time together. We dropped into deep intimacy space together, doing our sacred sexuality practices and entering the love vortex. We brought in a devotion practice where we share over and over what we’re devoted to with each other as we met in erotic union, and after we wrote our vows from this place of deep love and devotion. I’m so glad we did it this way — it didn’t feel right to try to write them from some disconnected, dry place. It wanted to be ALIVE and full of the transmission of our union.

We had hoped to have a psychedelic ceremony with some of our friends before the wedding to go deeper, but unfortunately since it was a heat wave, all of us were totally fried from setting up the decor and trying to manage the heat. The days before the wedding were all over 40 degrees and since most of my friends are sensitive types, we all were totally fried and struggling… and the set up was far behind because some friends bailed and we couldn’t work for big portions of the day due to the heat.

We had a small gathering the night before the wedding where people shared their best wisdom and advice for marriage, and kept things pretty casual. If I would do it again, I’d be much more intentional with this time and ask someone else to surprise us with something.

We warned our families on the invites and in conversations that this would not be a traditional wedding and not to expect that. We broke quite a lot of rules. My parents were much more OK with it, his… not so much.

We wanted to find a way to invite our family into our world a little bit. To give them a taste of the work we do in the world, what we create and who we are when we’re not just having small talk at the family dinner table. We had hopes for ‘microdosing’ them with our world… something that could meet people where they were and stretch them a little with possibility and a peak into our lives. It worked in some ways, and not in others (our friends can be a little unhinged and not read the room when we have conservative family around… eep)

We also wanted a HUGE wedding, on a low budget. We had been travelling for years and didn’t have big savings or anything, and being ‘Burners’ and in communities where co-creation was the norm, we decided to ask our friends and family for support rather than gifts. This is very matriarchal in essence — rather than the flashy show of wealth and status typical of the dominator paradigm. Our friends offered us decor, help, food, performances and much more — which I way prefer to some household gifts. Our friends were very on board with this, many of them long-time festival attendees and used to co-creating. The family were not part of these communities and did not understand it. We mostly paid some rent to use our friends home (which they let us also stay at for a month!), the photographer/videographer, lots of crafty supplies and a lot of time and energy.

Now, I’ll share a little bit about the rituals and practices we did include

We invited friends to offer some on-theme workshops in the day. Because it was soooo hot, not much ended up happening, but there was a lovely contact dance class to get people started.

In both Chinese and Estonian (my heritage) wedding customs, the groom must go through trials to win the bride. While the vibes vary across tradition, there seems to be a common theme of this. In Chinese tradition there is also a lot of bribing with red packets, which we wanted to discard because it felt a bit off. In Estonian there was a lot of mention of vodka and something about kidnapping the bride, which also was a no.

But a reason to have some fun games and trials? To pick my team to challenge my partner (who loves this stuff) and to have him ‘win me over’? It did sound fun. As much as I’m a sovereign woman, I do have a kink for being claimed and won over. So let the trials begin!

Usually the bridesmaids challenge the groom an groomsmen. We didn’t actually do the whole bridesmaid/groomsman thing at all, so we just chose a few friends each which was mixed-gender in the end. My friends made some fun challenges and Triss and his friends went through them. I actually even chose Tristen’s ex partner to be on my team to challenge him.

In the end he had to do a silk fan dance to seduce me, and it was definitely the peacock-vibes that won me over ;) I mean, who doesn’t love a man who can dance gracefully and seduce you?

One of the most honoured traditions for weddings that I loved to learn about is the Chinese Tea Ceremony. It is a way to welcome new family members through the serving of tea, and is very important for weddings in much of East Asia.

The couple kneel and serve all older family members on both sides tea, and then the younger generation offer the couple tea. It’s a sign of respect and honour and a nice way to have some focused one to one time with each of your guests.

I designed most of the ceremony, including the setup.

Usually there is the officiates and bride/groom at the front, and everyone else witnessing them. The stage and the audience. This didn’t feel right for me, I personally like circles and being held within a circle of love and support, energetically it felt much more aligned, so we set up the ceremony space that way.

The most obvious ritual of patriarchy is the act of the father walking the bride down the isle to the groom. This symbolises the passing of ownership of the woman from her father to her husband. From one man to another. Usually she wore a veil because the man hadn’t seen her yet, and the ring had to be on before he saw her so he couldn’t bail out early if he didn’t like the look of her. Ick. No way we were doing that.

Instead, we left space on either side of the circle for us to enter. The idea was that BOTH of our parents walked us BOTH down the main isle and to either side of the circle, dropping us off as 2 families became one in the center of the circle, ready to be witnessed and blessed by our friends and family.

The space was opened through song by a friend, and then one of Tristen’s mentors welcoming us to country and starting the blessings. She is a wise matriarch who shares ‘The Work that Reconnects’ by Johanna Macey, and it was lovely to have her open the space. She did a powerful land acknowledgement and then asked everyone to connect through hands and hearts and send us blessing energy, and at that moment when people sent the energy, a powerful gust of wind blew through the ceremony space! There were also some other synchronicities with birds at perfect moments, even very skeptical witnesses said they felt the magic and that the land was responding to us.

We asked our friend and relationship coach Sheeana to be our ‘Love Priestess’ for the wedding, holding the ceremony. Years ago we met her when Sheeana and I did a coaching exchange as part of our certification requirements, and we got along so well that we eventually hung out in Bali and became real-world friends. She happened to be in our home town when the wedding was happening, so I was so happy to have her do the ceremony.

As part of the ceremony we did a 5 senses ritual, to honour our Tantric path and the work we do in the world. I had searched and asked a teacher if there were any real Tantric wedding rituals, and it turns out there isn’t — it’s all general Hindu practices. We felt it was nice to then adapt for ourselves something to represent this path we’re on, and 5 senses worship is a foundational practice. I felt a bit shy in front of so many people to be offering worship to my partner, but it’s one of our favourite rituals so it had to be there ;)

We had trays (pictured above) that held both oils for anointing one another, a rose for touch, a raspberry for taste and our rings.

We each took turns to anoint each other with scented oil, to bow to each other, to offer a rose’s caress and to feed each other. It was a nice moment to anchor into our bodies after an intense day (did I mention is was 43 degrees celcius?!) and to slow down and connect through the blur of everything happening.

After that we shared our vows. When I was writing them I was crying to much with love and joy I didn’t know how I’d manage to speak them on the day, but I guess the blessing of the heat was that I was too fried at that point to feel strong emotions, so I made it through steady ;P We share our vows with each other each year, and I’ve cried all the other times though!

As we mentioned, we did decide to get wedding rings. It felt like a tradition we could get down with. Of course offering the rings we just had our own vows of commitment and gratitude, not the traditional ones. Especially since we’re not fully monogamous and we wanted to commit to what we truly meant and desired to commit to. The rings were then the physical act of saying yes to each other and this symbol of union.

We actually got super cheap wedding rings in Malaysia. The idea of spending a small fortune on rings didn’t sit well with us (especially since I have a habit of loosing and breaking anything valuable I own!). Maybe at some point when we have spare cash and feel like it we’ll upgrade them, but the cheapies have done us fine so far.

As mentioned before, we had already done a hand-fasting ritual, and we decided to bring it to the ceremony again. As well as being part Estonian, I am half Irish, so it was nice to bring some Celtic tradition into the space, to add to the very multi-cultured vibes of our union.

We made it a bit more Tantric by using 3 ribbons. Red (Lower Bindu) for being united in our bodies, our passion and our physical union. Gold (Heart Bindu) for biding our hearts, our lives and honouring each others emotional needs. White (Upper Bindu) for our devotion to presence and being conscious and intentional with one another.

Each ribbon a commitment to each aspect of our embodied reality and what we were committing to and co-creating.

It’s not an intimacy festival without a love tunnel. What better way to leave the ceremony?? We had a huge tunnel to get through, with everyone blessing us one more time as we left the space!

We then took family photos before heading to the Love Temple to close out the ritual. I had the idea of a temple space on the land where people could go through the day and write their wishes for love in a book that we’d then use for a ritual to amplify the wishes.

Tristen decided he wanted to build it for me as part of his preperation for the day, which was super touching. A love-priestess having her soulmate build her a love temple? How fitting ;) It wasn’t anything flashy, but all the heart and intention was there.

After we had dinner… another ‘rule’ we broke was that we asked people to bring a dish, rather than totally catering. Since Tristen and I were about to move to Thailand we didn’t want physical gifts, and thought it was no problem to invite people to bring a meal as we would at Christmas or other occasions. Especially since we were doing a big event on a small budget. Both out families strongly disagreed with this. A lot of our friends did bring delicious, thoughtful meals. My mother paid for a lot of catering ‘just in case’. There was waaaay too much food, and a lot went to waste. After all the heat and stress, I wasn’t able to eat much at all.

Later than night we had DJs and some unconventional entertainment. Since Tristen and I had both been doing shibari performance art in the past, and our families had been curious, we asked our friends to do a late-night show. They missed the memo a bit of DON’T BE RAUNCHY and it was spicier than we were comfortable with, and broke up the dance floor, so we did kinda regret that decision. It was a bit weird to sit next to my now mother-in-law while my friend was spread legged in the air in front of us. We’ve learned a lesson there…. might seem like a good idea in theory but nope. lol. Stick to dancing or maybe some fire/LED shows.

The celebrations didn’t go late, everyone was fried from the heat and since we had no alcohol at our event, there wasn’t quite enough energy going to party late. I was happy to crash out and sleep.

We let a bunch of friends camp with us, and had a friends-only after party celebration the next day.

I can’t show much from that day because it involved lots of nudity, lingerie, party favours and shenanigans… but I can say that it was definitely much needed space to blow off the steam of all that wedding creation, to have fun with our friends and to celebrate love in a more trashy and fun way.

So there you have it, our wedding. A multi-cultural, matriarchal-vibe, unique, tantric celebration of Love.

A few friends shared that they had never previously considered getting married, but our wedding gave them inspiration and hope of how they could go there.

I hope this article inspires more people with how you can totally break all the rules and have an amazing celebration without all the dominator-paradigm BS weaved in. It can be meaningful, beautiful, deep, fun, weird… whatever!

And I’ll just add to end this that we actually so far have not done the paperwork to be legally married. For us, the legal binding contract of a marriage and the spiritual-social ritual of one are 2 different things. Maybe some day we will sign the paperwork. Maybe we’ll stay soul-married and never sign the papers. We didn’t change names (way too much effort) but if we did we’d have made our own new last name rather than taking either of our old ones.

The wedding day was an intense blur, but the process as a whole was so rewarding and fulfilling. The journey of deciding to get married, the process of deconstructing the dominator paradigm stories of marriage, the devotional rituals, the coming together of friends and family, the commitment, the ceremony… it all had a big effect on me and our relationship in a way that is hard to express.

We will likely do another marriage in some years, one thats even more witchy and magic without all the family and intensity. It feels like something living that wants to be recommitted to rather than being a single time event. So perhaps there will be more to come here.

I’ll just finish this hugeee article saying that I love this process, and if you’re getting married and want support creating your unique rituals then you can totally hire me. I’ve had the offer on my website for some years and I’m open to even just brainstorming sessions, if not being your full unique wedding coach. I especially love to do pre-wedding coaching for couples to get clear on their commitments and settle into this process, or honeymoon retreats. Check out more information down the page here.