This isn't the post I planned on writing

I was supposed to write a completely different post today; one about being both a voyeur and a service submissive while Kount scened with other lucky bottoms. I’ll get to that when I am able, but today I want to talk about something else.

As many of you know, I’ve been unemployed for over a year. Even though I’ve been able to maintain a good level of emotional health, this has mostly been very stressful and, yes, painful. On top of fighting them damn AI robots to gain the attention of employers who are already planning to reject me before a human even sees my resume, I’ve been feeling the weight of being a Millennial Eldest Daughter expected to be a certain kind of successful, not reaching it, and then feeling like I’m letting my family down.

The truth is, my highest-paying job was snatched away from me 8 months after being hired, and I’m still trying to pick up the broken pieces of my career. And that shit is hard. It is crazy-making. I hate having to look my family in the eye and tell them that, no, I still haven’t found a job, and there’s nothing more I can do that would make that happen faster for me.

I was doing really well for weeks, maybe even months. I just secured a 6-week contract, and had my first interview after three months of nothing but auto-rejections and ghosting. But last night, the emotional weight of everything I am holding hit me like a ton of bricks.

My girlfriend, A.S. (they/them), and I were sitting outside of the apartment I share with my husband late at night, well after Love Island’s Movie Night Episode had concluded*, sharing a J. We met at a queer art showcase on the first day of Spring, started going on dates, and, as is typical of many sapphic relationships, have been together ever since.

I opened up to my girlfriend about…everything. Feeling pressured by my family to hurry up and find a job, not being able to afford things that feel frivolous but are necessary, like getting my hair done or buying a new pair of jeans, not wanting to go to the family cookout, feeling like I have disappointed everyone, including myself.

My new(ish) girlfriend sat with me and gave me something I needed: a listening ear and some warm encouragement. They didn’t tell me how to feel or what to do. They told me that I really have been killin’ it, and not getting a job so far doesn’t change that. When they pulled me in for a much-needed hug, I realized I was getting something from them that my last girlfriend didn’t seem to have the capacity to give me: emotional availability and support.

That shit is so valuable. And I can’t believe I went without it from my other non-nested relationships for so long. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to receive that kind of presence in my life.

Things are so much sweeter and lighter when they are around. I’m so grateful that the last few moments of Pride Month were spent being held by them. I’m glad I get to love again, even when life isn’t perfect. And I’m glad that despite it all, I’ve still built a life that I enjoy, even on less than a shoestring budget.

Thank you for reading. I’ll get back to the fun stuff soon, I promise.

*I want Sincere and KC out of my face IMMEDIATELY.