I planned a life that didn't happen

Life has been a lot lately.

I really have no idea what direction I’m supposed to be going.

My husband had a few interviews in San Diego, and he was there for two weeks. During that time, I took on solo parenting! Which was freaking wild, and amazing. I figured out how to get into a rhythm with my kids. How to make my daughter breakfast while also taking care of our twins.

I realized I could do it. I can stay home with my kids while my husband works!

And while he was gone, we were also talking about the possibility of moving to San Diego.

Hypothetically.

Except I did what I always do and planned my entire life around it.

Maybe obviously a little too soon, but I was researching where we would live, looking at apartments and houses.

I was already imagining waking up, walking to a coffee shop, walking on the beach with my kids. I could see our life there.

Then we decided it was getting too hard on our family to be so far apart, so my husband came home.

Two days later, he got a call that they hired someone else who had a little more experience than him.

The devastation..

And now here we are, still stuck in my parents’ basement.

And for it not to happen, I just keep asking myself why. Why didn’t it work out? It felt so close, so exciting, only for it to disappear.

I hope I’m not the only one who does this, but when something doesn’t work out, I immediately start spiraling and trying to figure out what we’re supposed to do next.

I’m also a very impatient person. I know this about myself.

It has been even more challenging lately, because I want to give my children a beautiful life. And I want it now. I just wish I could see the future and know everything is going to work out.

So there I was telling my husband to apply to every job out of state.

Like, let’s just take the best opportunity and get out of here.

I’m not saying that I’m not grateful for his parents or my parents. I am. I really am.

I just feel like I’m getting suffocated.

It seems like my husband and I thrive when it’s just us. We really like our space, and we just do better that way.

And I’m realizing that I’m pushing us to move so much because I feel like I can’t breathe right now.

I want my own stuff.

I want my own routine.

I want to feel like I’m building a life instead of just waiting for one to start.

And with all of these realizations, plus coming off my SSRI medication that I’ve been on for the past nine months, I’m feeling less brain fog, which has been awesome.

But it’s also making me realize a lot.

I’m realizing that maybe I’ve been so focused on getting us out of here because I’m feeling very stagnant in life.

I have no idea which way to go.

At one point we were like, let’s just move to Florida. Why not?

And then my husband said, “Let’s save up.”

Oh yeah, that’s a sidenote.

It’s a work from home job. It’s nothing crazy, but it’s going to help us start saving money.

I’m so happy about it. This is going to help us so so much.

And then we said, “Let’s save up some money and get a motorhome and travel the world.”

He could work on the road.

And I’m like…

This seems freaking incredible.

And I’m also scared to get my hopes up because what if it doesn’t happen?

What if this is just another thing I start planning my entire life around?

I don’t know.

I always try to find an answer for why things are happening. I want everything to have a reason. I want to be able to look back and say, oh, that’s why that happened.

Does any of this make any sense?

_{If you want more of these little pieces of my life, you can subscribe and stick around. I’d love to have you here. 🤎}

Leave a comment