"I'm 40, single, and lonely"

Hi friend!

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Dear Liz,

I’m in my 40s and single with no kids. Before anyone feels sorry for me, I’m actually fine with this! I’ve never had a strong urge for kids or even wanted to get married. The issue is that I’ve always been someone with really long-term friendships, but my friends are now deep in the weeds of parenting little kids and our hangouts are few and far between. When we do see each other, they’re distracted by their kids. I don’t fault them for this, but I’m just so lonely. I know I can join a club or a group, but sometimes that doesn’t form the friendships I’m looking for. Can you help?

—No Kids and Happy (but Lonely)

Hey NAKHL,

As a fellow child-free 40-something (okay fine, not quite 40, but in a few weeks), I HEAR you on this. I’m lucky to have friends who are younger than me and don’t have kids yet, or older than me with kids who are more independent and don’t need them as much. But when it comes to my exact peer group, I’m right there with you. Keeping up those friendships is tough, and you’re right. It can get very lonely.

I actually agree that you do need to make new friends (more on that in a bit), but first let’s talk about what you can do to maintain the friendship you do have. Based on personal experience, I do think these people will come back to you once their kids are older and there are fewer diapers and meltdowns and playdates and expensive babysitters to hire. But if there isn’t a friendship left at the end of this time when they have little kids, that won’t happen.

For now, here are two things to try:

• Tell them you want to see them even if their kid is there. Trust me, I know it can be frustrating to hang out with your friend when their attention is divided. But it’s better than nothing. And it can also be really fun to get to know their kids, even if you don’t consider yourself a “kid person.” (Hi). To get more opportunities for conversation, you can ask to go to the playground with them and their child—when they’re busy playing on structures and swings, it creates a little more adult conversation time. You can also suggest accompanying them on a stroller walk (kids get sleepy and pensive), or showing up during naptime on a Saturday.

• Openly ask if there are any opportunities for one-on-one time. As long as you ask this nicely, this question will not end your friendship. And if it does, maybe that wasn’t a worthwhile friendship anyway. Try saying something like, “I absolutely love hanging out with you and [insert kid’s name here]. But I’ve been feeling a little lonely lately, and I’m really craving some one-on-one time with you. I get that your life is crazy busy right now, so when and how do you think we could make this happen? I’d be open to coming over after the kids go to bed to have a drink or just sit with you, but I’m really open to anything.”

I’m really glad you brought this up, because you are so right about this. As I wrote in a previous post, an uncomfortable truth about friendship is that most of us need at least some friends who are living in circumstances that feel relatively similar to our own.

But you’re right, making friends as an adult can feel really hard, especially without a natural friend-making engine like school or even an office job where everyone has aligned interests and is in the same life phase.

You’re on the right track with wanting to join a club or group to make new friends (I’m personally team book club, but obviously this is dependent on your interests!), and you’re also right that these friendships can feel really superficial if you don’t make an effort to move past the surface.

To make this work, you need three components:

1. Time. Most of us have had the experience of meeting someone we immediately click with, and it feels like we’ve known this person forever. But unfortunately, that experience is the exception, not the rule. Most friendships need time, and a lot of it! A study I cite quite often found that it takes between 40 and 60 hours to form a casual friendship, 80-100 hours to form a concrete friendship, and 200 hours together to become close friends. That’s a time commitment, but that’s not all there is to it.

2. An “about.” This is something I learned from friendship expert Anna Goldfarb when I had her on the podcast: A shared activity really helps when you’re trying to form close bonds. Those “how are you,” “good, how are you?” drinks and dinners are fine, but it’s hard to get close when you’re reporting on your life instead of living it with someone (I talk about this a lot in my episode about why friendship feels so hard these days, if you’d like to listen). So, clubs and groups are a great starting point! You can also invite an acquaintance to try a cooking class with you or go to an exhibit at your local art museum—this is a fast and easy way to deepen the friendship.

3. Vulnerability. This might be the hardest one, because most of us think showing our weak spots will make people like us less—but research shows that signs of vulnerability encourage social bonding! You don’t have to dump all your deepest, darkest fears and trauma on someone in your second coffee meeting (in fact, I would not encourage that at all), but it can be helpful to do something that feels a little scary with someone and gets your heart rate up. Try going to an Escape Room or even a scary movie together! This gets the vulnerability going and will encourage faster social bonding.

Now I’d love to hear from you: Do you have friends in different life phases? What are your tips for navigating them?

And as a reminder, if you have a question you want answered, that’s a paid subscriber perk—so come join us! If you’re already a paid subscriber, you can scroll to the bottom to submit your question.

Xo,
Liz

Looking for your next podcast listen? On Monday, I got to sit down with Zach Brittle to rank relationship advice from social media. There’s a lot of it out there, friends, and it’s not all good (something I’ll let Zach tell you about). In today’s episode, I asked Harvard gynecologist Sara Szal MD ALL the health questions you’re too embarrassed to ask. You guys, this woman is a genius, and I think you will LOVE this episode!

🎧 Ranking Viral Relationship Advice (with Couples Therapist Zach Brittle)

Listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

🎧 I Asked a Harvard Gynecologist Every Q Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask

Listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

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