On Receiving Hospitality

In writing about the vocation to motherhood of all women, St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross—St. Edith Stein, perhaps, to you—said that a “woman’s soul is fashioned as a shelter in which other souls may unfold.” I’ve applied this idea before in writing about how to offer hospitality to others, even in situations where opening our homes might be difficult. But I’ve come to realize recently that it is not only in offering hospitality that we can fashion a shelter in which other souls may unfold, but in receiving it, as well.

This point was recently illustrated for me in encounters I had with two separate friends.

The first lives in another state and texted me to ask for prayers because she had been very, very sick, and her husband would soon need to go out of town for work. I immediately thought to myself that it would be helpful to her to have a meal delivered to her house so that she could rest—especially if her husband was out of town and she was still not doing well. I asked for her email address so that I could send her a gift card for a meal, but when she responded, she declined the offer.

I, of course, accepted her response, but I was disappointed. I had been looking forward to doing something small to help her and her family; and I really couldn’t understand why anyone would turn down the offer of a free meal! It didn’t register until a week later, however, exactly what I was feeling and why. I was speaking after Mass to a friend whose family has recently fostered a newborn baby, and as I delighted at the sight of this precious baby in her arms, we started talking about how my friend had given away most of their baby clothes after making so many moves, so that this little baby was a lucky girl who had gotten all new outfits. I turned to her and, excited, asked if I could buy a little outfit for her if I saw something cute when I was out and about.

My friend looked up at me and, smiling, said, “She would love that.”

My husband told me afterwards that he saw how my face lit up with joy at her response, and he was grateful for how she had welcomed that offer. When we were talking about it afterwards, I realized that there was something so charitable, so warm, and so elegant about her response to me: she left the door open to me. It can be easy to turn down an offer for hospitality or charity when we think that other people might need it more than we do, or because we don’t want to be in anyone’s debt—especially if we can’t repay the favor ourselves. We are taught that we ought to give without expecting to receive and that it is often in the act of giving itself that we do receive; we ought to try to remember, too, that, sometimes, we give a greater gift in receiving than we think.

Think for a moment about St. Elizabeth receiving the Mother of God on her doorstep and recognizing that this woman who had been forever raised above all other women was there to serve her. She very well could have refused to receive the help of the Blessed Mother, especially since she herself was the wife of a man of influence and was, therefore, not lacking in support. Having been filled with the Holy Ghost at Mary’s salutation and knowing that the woman who stood before her was the Mother of her Lord, could she not have felt unworthy and entirely undeserving of the privilege and honor of Mary’s presence in her home and of her assistance in the final months of her pregnancy? But as we read in the Gospel of St. Luke, Our Lady stayed with St. Elizabeth for three months. We have to imagine that there has never been a better companion than Our Lady, the Handmaid of the Lord, and in her own “yes” to the Blessed Mother, St. Elizabeth opened the door to a flood of love.

In his first letter, St. Peter tells us to “before all things have a constant mutual charity among [ourselves]: for charity covereth a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). It can be easy to think of charity as what we do for others, but it is also about how we receive. Of course, we ought to do good whether it is received well or not—we have the examples of the North American martyrs to teach us that—but, if it is in our power, we ought not make it harder and more discouraging for others to extend hospitality to us. I do think that, sometimes, offers of generosity take a lot more courage than we might realize, and a person who is discouraged from making offers again and again might stop offering at some point. Indeed, when we give a person the opportunity to be charitable, to practice the corporal or spiritual works of mercy, we help them store up treasure in heaven.

As always, there will be nuance in each situation, and perhaps you have a very good reason for saying no to particular offers—or even, in some cases, to particular people. Use your reason, but consider whether you are, generally speaking, welcoming other souls to unfold within your own by giving them the opportunity to offer you hospitality.

Here are some ways to practice accepting hospitality from others:

• When you see someone you know while you are out running errands and that person approaches you to say hello, respond kindly to her greeting. It can sometimes take a lot of courage to speak to an acquaintance, especially if it is someone you do not know very well. I know small talk can be painful, but perhaps the woman who stopped you to say hello at the grocery store has been at home by herself with the children for three days while her husband is out of town for work, and she hasn’t had the chance to speak to another adult in what feels like forever! Or she might just be nosy. But she still reached out, and you never do know what your kind reception of her greeting is really worth.

• If someone opens a door for you, or if someone offers to open a door for you, accept the offer. Sometimes, this can be awkward, especially if someone is holding the door for you while you’re still a little too far away. But that impulse to be chivalrous or to help you if your hands are very full is a good one, and even if it is a little inconvenient, by accepting the offer, you are being charitable.

• If someone1 pays you a compliment, accept it graciously. After Mass this past Sunday, a woman who is old enough to be my mother walked past me and complimented my hair, saying that it was gorgeous and that she wished I could share some of it with her (“You definitely have enough of it to share!”). It was silly, of course, but I laughed and thanked her and told her that if I ever cut it, I would let her know. Again, I think it takes a lot of courage to compliment someone; you’re putting yourself at risk of being turned down, so to speak. So whenever possible, and whenever appropriate, I try to receive the compliments that are made to me as graciously as I can.

• If someone invites you to their home, make every effort to join them. I know that sometimes, especially with little children, leaving the house can feel like an enormous ordeal. I won’t say that you’ll never regret saying yes to an invitation because that’s obviously not true, but again, think about the courage it takes to invite someone over—especially for the first time. Just under two years ago, we met a married couple and decided to invite them over for what we called Soup, Sourdough, and Sorrows every Wednesday during Lent; we would pray the Chaplet of Our Lady of Sorrows and then eat a meal together. We made the first step towards inviting them, but they accepted—and now, they are some of our closest friends. If they had been unwilling to accept the hospitality we were offering, we would all have missed out on a beautiful friendship. Of course, not every dinner invitation will turn into a lifelong friendship; but in any case, by accepting, you are giving that person or that family the opportunity to learn how to serve others and to give without expecting to receive.

• And speaking of receiving, cultivate the art of receiving gifts graciously—and teach your children how to do the same. Gift giving is an art, and it is true that many of us have never cultivated it; but receiving gifts is an art, too, and if I’m being honest, it’s probably the more important of the two (and, of course, this one is even harder to cultivate). While it is entirely possible that a person who is giving you a gift didn’t think twice about what it was they were sticking into the bag, they still made an effort. But small though that effort may have actually been, it should not make a difference to how you receive it. It is important to learn how to say thank you for the gifts we receive and to try our best to show that gratitude in our expressions and body language. It can be easy to fall into the trap of letting our appreciation for the physical object we hold in our hands determine the degree of gratitude it ought to receive. But our gratitude should not be measured out that way—hard though it may be. Our gratitude ought to be for the person standing before us.

• Grow in the practice of writing thank you cards. I recently received a thank you card for a meal I made for a meal train, and I was floored by it. I’ve contributed to countless meal trains, but I’ve never received a thank you card for a meal. Of course, I’ve never expected one, since usually meal trains are put together for new mothers or for families who have sick or hospitalized family members, or for families who have recently lost a loved one. I myself have never, as far as I can remember, sent a thank you card for a meal that someone has dropped off in a time of need. But now, I’m inspired to really try to receive well and to express my gratitude with a thank you card whenever possible. I try to keep blank stationary available in my desk and in a kitchen drawer for these situations, which pop up more than you would think, and I’m working on teaching my children to write thank you cards, too. I just had my six-year-old write thank you cards for the gifts he received at Christmas!

• If someone is offering you help, whenever possible, accept it. That doesn’t just mean people outside the home, though. I mean your family members, too. So many times, I will turn down the offers of help my husband makes me, and especially the offers from my children. With regards to my husband, I often say no because I know he is tired and because he works so hard—but when I say no to his offers, I am taking away the privilege of serving his wife. Of course, it feels like mixed signals because he is trying to be kind by offering, and I am trying to be kind by turning his offers down! (And he sometimes does the same to me.) With my children, on the other hand, I often say no because it is easier to do things myself. But what a lesson I am giving them! When their hearts are turned towards me in a spirit of generosity, because it is inconvenient to me, I tell them no? Oh, this is a hard one for me, but I am working on receiving these little arrows of love from my children because I know that these efforts will pay off for them in the long run. By accepting the love of my children, I will teach them to be adults who know how to love. We can cultivate lovely homes by trying to outdo each other in service; play fair by giving the other people in your home the opportunity to love and serve you.

Remember that you can practice charity anytime you open your heart to another person, and that in receiving hospitality and charity from the people in your life, you are, like St. Elizabeth, opening the door to the increase of love.

Let me know in the comments if you think of other ways to receive hospitality!