This is my personal journal, but cast into the void of the internet like the scribbles on the cave wall. I need to let the thoughts escape here. Use caution if you are disturbed by heavy topics such as existence, suicide, or sexual assault. I am disturbed by them; that is why they are here.
I grew up Lutheran, in a fairly liturgically traditional but liberal church. It was in my crisis that I turned to my faith for substantial answers to my torment, and I realized that I had never chronologically read the New Testament and didn’t have a very substantial intellectual faith footing. I knew the stories and had a good relationship with God, praying daily for as long as I can remember,…
My entire life is proof that money doesn’t buy happiness
Near a flame burgeoning, moonlight floats on the forest lake; Young lovers and racing hearts intertwining. Time will come to bury the romance, innocence, and dreams— cherished memories immune
The eternal rest, a never-ending darkness, I found peace at last
I saw the stars last night and realized the reality of my situation on earth is so small in comparison to the universe. If we are all alone, what created us? I have really had such a surreal experience today, and I can’t put my finger on it, but the radio sounds different, life feels different— grounded. Life is coming back again; I am here to receive it.
The stroke of my brush leaves my soul on this canvas The picture I paint so you can share my love and pain, a medium to set me free
There was a time I lived amongst angels, and I had my very own, our love was eternal, and such happiness I had never known, But now I find myself in the loneliest place, in the earthly solitude I drown
Upon my return, I am greeted by the familiar odors of the worldly city, I emerge from the station, and catch my first glimpse unburdened by that of my past which held me from it, in my heart, I feel confidence and relief, and suddenly the move is done I will just need to arrange my things.
The act is over The curtains have closed, and the actor has departed
It’s been a long while, we haven’t seen each other in years, I thought it was for the better, you’re why I lost that lover, you almost took my life, but things have gotten harder, and I found myself alone, I thought of coming to see you
She crawls in behind and throws her arms around me I roll over to kiss her and place my head on her chest a day is done and we are together time ceases to exist and the mind falls silent We endure everything together, nothing can knock us down quite the same, the troubles of life are outside of us There is a home for love to reside in, the family built from it, and the opportunity to experience it
Her mind and spirit radiate the strength of a blazing sun, they reside under her fine waves of night-colored hair, behind a face and smile so gentle and stunning it can melt one’s core, resting on a body perfectly elongated, I lost myself in the passion of her
Two stars illuminate the darkness, I hover between them, scorched by their fire, I can’t escape their pull They consume life around them, mine included, but their beauty is of the heavens
I see her and my chest flutters, it feels like I physically fall forward into love A flush of warmth overcomes me
The person I was then is dead Pain has forged a new one Time will say if the change is good, but life only goes in one direction
A few people call, but I just can’t take it The few I want aren’t going to make it
A break in the action here. If you read my posts, thank you. I am not all sadness. There is pleasure and blessing in each day too.
I never hurt anyone I’ve always tried to do right So many people like me But I am alone in a crowd I can’t believe life has turned out this way I never saw it coming Now I can’t see any light of a brighter day
I can’t believe you have done this to me I would have never hurt you this way I really thought you’d be different I’m left trying to pickup the pieces of my life
I was sure I was going to be married once, I had found the one forever Until she came out and gone
A just let me know that she needs our friendship to end indefinitely. The three closest friends I’ve ever had gone in the span of 18 months A devastating blow to an already fragile position Ever more evidence that life is painful and less reason to go on Where do I go from here, completely alone Even my parents can’t accept me This was the one relationship I was really holding on to. Perhaps…
I cannot force love I can command fitness, knowledge, and wealth But I cannot control what I desire most The power of love, which can provide a different plane of existence, is also the source of its beauty, and such power directly contradicts controllability It is inherently a mystery in the same way a god is
Mother, please stop telling me I can’t suffer Telling me I can’t be sad There is too much in life that isn’t well I cannot thank your god for the things on my mind
I love her I wish she felt the same Maybe she does I believe she’s doing her best But this will not work for me It just hurts too much
The sun is rising I feel beauty and love again I want things to be different But I will survive
The beauty of life is coming back I have felt love again Though there isn’t much around anymore I am safer now
It is screaming at me Calling my name I can feel it in my chest I want to answer more than ever I have to stay It’s too soon to give up There is too much yet to come But I want to go
Mind is pain Nobody listens Because of a pretty house and plentiful things
I have been listening to a lot of Nirvana recently because I find comfort in knowing Kurt Cobain felt something like I do. I actually can't really listen to anything that isn't full of anguish. I know he was disturbed by some of the same things too. I am not convinced anyone alive would truly understand because I am so close to the edge. I found myself in a trance staring over the edge of a five…
A year and a half ago, my best friend in the whole world disappeared from our lives without real explanation. She's alive, but unreachable. Shortly after, I dealt with my childhood sexual abuse for the first time and heard horrors of sexual violence from someone I loved. I would wonder if I should've shot myself that day back in 2020. I wanted to die, but I got through it then. Fast forward to…
I have lost my god my two best friends my girlfriend any hope of a life worth living The only comforting thing is the thought of death But I know I am not seeing clearly I am lost in the fog and darkness I can't believe there will be an end to this Even though I know I am wrong I am stuck here for now