Congratulations…You’re Having the Same Fight Again

For years, I thought my husband was too defensive. I'd bring up something that bothered me, and before I even finished, he'd start explaining himself. It drove me crazy. I wasn't looking for an explanation. I wanted him to understand why I was hurt.

He'd get frustrated because he felt like he was being criticized. I'd get frustrated because I didn't feel heard.

This became our pattern.

I'd criticize. He'd defend. I'd criticize a little more because I still didn't feel heard. He'd become even more defensive because he felt even more attacked.

Around and around we'd go.

At the time, I thought we were arguing about whatever had happened that day. Maybe he forgot something I'd asked him to do. Maybe I misunderstood something he said. Maybe one of us was tired or stressed. Looking back, none of those things were really the problem. We were repeating the same pattern.

And here's what I've learned about patterns.

They don't care what you're arguing about.

The topic changes.

The pattern doesn't.

They'll use whatever topic is available — money, the kids, vacation plans, a forgotten errand, a comment that came out wrong.

As part of my training to teach Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I spent a lot of time immersed in their research. I expected to learn tools that would help my clients. Instead, I found myself thinking about my own marriage. The more I learned, the more I realized this wasn't just something I was going to teach.

It was something I needed to practice.

The Gottman’s identified four destructive communication patterns that quietly damage relationships over time: Criticism. Defensiveness. Contempt. Stonewalling.

I could immediately see ours.

The Pattern I Bring

If I'm honest... this one is mine. Criticism. Ouch.

For years, I told myself I wasn’t criticizing him — I was trying to get him to understand me. Unfortunately, those two things don’t always sound the same. There’s a big difference between saying, “It hurt my feelings when that happened,” and “You never think about anyone but yourself.” One talks about a behavior. The other attacks the person.

What he heard, though, was: “I’m failing.” No wonder he got defensive.

That realization didn't change me overnight. I still slip into criticism. But now I recognize it much sooner, pause, and say something different.

The Pattern He Brings

Defensiveness. This one belongs to my husband.

The second he feels blamed, he starts explaining. I used to read that as him not listening. Now I see it differently — he was protecting himself. Neither of us was trying to hurt the other. We were both just trying to be understood.

His defensiveness isn’t something that happens in a vacuum, either. My criticism was often inviting it. That doesn’t mean I’m responsible for his reaction. But it does mean I have more influence than I realized. I still catch myself wishing he'd stop defending himself. But I've learned that's the wrong place to focus. Instead, I ask myself:

Am I about to invite a conversation? Or am I about to invite a defense?

Not because I'm trying to be perfect. Because it's the one part of the pattern I actually control.

Here's the good news. He's working on it too. He's learning to listen before he explains. I'm learning to soften my criticism before I speak. We don't get it right every time. But we catch ourselves a whole lot faster than we used to. And that's changed our relationship.

The Pattern That Scares Me Most

Contempt. This one is frightening. Not because we've never done it. Because we have.

It's the eye roll. The sarcastic comment. The huff. The shrug. Turning away while the other person is still talking.

Those moments might seem small.

They're not.

They send a message: “I don't respect you right now.” “I'm done listening.” “You're not worth my kindness in this moment.”

You don't have to say those words out loud. Your body says them for you.

When I catch myself doing it — or I see my husband doing it — I know we need to hit pause. Not because our marriage is falling apart. Because contempt has a way of quietly creating distance between two people. We've worked really hard to keep it out of how we communicate. Not because we're perfect. Because we know where it leads if we don't.

The Pattern That Looks Like Peace... But Isn't

Stonewalling. Some people fight by getting louder. Others just disappear.

In our house, it goes both ways. Sometimes it’s me — I go quiet, I stop making eye contact, I find something to do in another room. Sometimes it’s him — he gets that flat, far-off look, like he’s already left the conversation even though he’s still standing there.

From the outside, it can look calm.

It isn’t.

It’s overwhelm, dressed up as peace.

I used to think the answer was to keep talking — to not let him leave the conversation. That backfired every time. The more I pushed, the more he pulled back. And when I’m the one shutting down, I know exactly what it feels like when he does the same thing to me.

The healthiest thing isn’t forcing it. It’s taking a break and promising to come back: “I need a little time to calm down, but I promise we’ll finish this conversation.”

Your Turn

The goal isn’t to stop having the same fight. The goal is to catch your pattern one beat sooner than last time.

The criticism before it leaves your mouth. The defensiveness before it kicks in. The eye roll before it happens. That’s the shift. Not becoming a different person — just catching yourself earlier.

That’s where your power is.

Which pattern do you bring into your relationship?

The goal isn't to stop having the same fight.

The goal is to stop repeating the same pattern inside the fight.

Ready to Break the Pattern?

One article can't undo years of repeating the same pattern. Trust me — I know.

Patterns take awareness. Practice. And doing it differently anyway.

That's exactly why I created Breaking the Pattern. It's the process I use to help people recognize the patterns keeping their relationships stuck — and learn how to change their side of them.

Change your side of the pattern, and the relationship gets a chance to change too.

If you're ready to stop having the same fight over and over, I'd love to help.

P.S. If you recognized yourself anywhere in this, don't be discouraged. Recognizing the pattern isn't a sign your relationship is broken — it's the first step toward changing it. That's exactly why I created Breaking the Pattern. Learn more about it here.