Ever Get In An Argument With A Deck Of Cards?

Good morning, Beautiful Soul!

Question: Have you ever had a complicated relationship with an “inanimate” object, or is that just me?

Story with multiple tangents regarding beliefs about an object incoming…

A little over ten years ago one of my favorite humans took me to a mystical shop and bought me my first ever tarot deck. The kind woman at the counter guided me on selecting the deck that was most perfect for me, and I had been drawn to the Queen of Swords represented on the box of the Morgan Greer deck. This was my deck. None of the others drew my eye like this one. So I took it home with a huge smile on my face, excited for my new adventure.

Like most new shiny things that come into my world, I learned about the history, the meanings and symbolism of the suits and cards, and really set my intention to use the deck for validation and discovery rather than future or “fortune” telling because that straight up gives me anxiety. What kind of weirdo gets anxiety knowing the future instead being thankful they can be prepared for it? ME. And of course there’s a why…

When I was 18 years old I saw a palm reader at a renaissance festival. She was spot on about everything in the present that I was navigating, and gave me a few things for the future which tripped me up a bit. She told me I was going to get married at 26, and that I would have 3 kids, and that the kids would be “by choice.” (Um, ok?) I’d get married once, and that it would be “for life.” Problem was… I was NEVER getting married and I sure as shit wasn’t having any kids. I made that decision when I was 8.

But her words stuck with me. And I found myself wondering what she saw/knew that I didn’t. My 26th year came and went without a proposal, or even a prospect really, which I wasn’t shocked by and definitely not looking for. I just chalked it up to a fortune teller telling a woman things that most women want to hear. You’ll get married. You’ll have kids. Ugh. That sounded exhausting. Pass.

What gave me anxiety was the waiting. The wonder. If this person did see something for my future, am I missing something? I was 18 years old waiting until 26 to see if this lady was right. That’s a long time to have anxiety about a possible future. Is this person I’m dating gonna be the one to change my mind? Does fate see me with that person for longer than the ten minutes my attention span lasts?

Fast forward, I do end up getting married, at 36, and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship. In that sense I guess I “chose” my kids. But there were only 2, not 3. Does that mean there’s a third one coming? OH DEAR STARS, I AM GONNA GET PREGNANT? Fuck no. That’s not my path. Where the hell is this other kid coming from? Are we adopting? Are we gonna end up taking in some other kid? Is my dog the third kid?

My little anxiety brain likes to race around collecting thoughts and then sit with them and wonder “are we there yet, is it happening, is it here yet? Is this the thing?” Taking events and trying to see if they fit the “prophecy.” And that really only brings struggle and discomfort, not peace and ease. Hence the reason I personally don’t like future telling. 🫠

Which brings us back to my deck. I was so excited to use it, and really felt tapped into the messages and wisdom it offered. The deck was so spot on it helped me to make sense of the world of energy I had already begun to explore, and it was fun! Until it wasn’t.

I was still learning and practicing, and part of that education is the phrasing of questions. The language used can alter and shift the messages received. I threw out a query, and when the card dropped, I was confused. I must have drawn it wrong. The information is correct when it’s right side up, not reversed. Let me just make that little adjustment…

Within a few days, the original message of the card came to fruition. I received awful news that 10000000% validated the original message, the way the card was drawn. The moment I heard the news my mind instantly went to that card. The cards knew what was coming. That means this deck is predictive. Well I guess it’s going in a corner for the rest of my days because it’s just too spot on and way too predictive and NOPE, I’m not dying a horrible death (again) because some king didn’t like my predictions (source: multiple past lives.)

I started using and working with other tarot and oracle decks. I felt like the messages came through more gentle and didn’t have that taste of predictability I felt with my original deck. Every so often, maybe a few months, maybe a few years, I would reconnect with my deck, pull a card, and immediately sigh and put it right back where it was because here we go again, way too spot on. I found myself actually fearing the deck. What kind of weirdo is afraid of a deck of cards? ME.

Until I wasn’t.

One of the things I like to do is look at a story, a memory, an experience, whatever it may be and examine it. Kind of like re-watching a movie and picking up nuance that was missed the first time. I also have a brain that must be solving problems so it’s quite common for me to look at anything that makes me uncomfortable. And being afraid of a deck of cards is definitely uncomfortable.

So I finally sat in a meditation holding the deck, asking for my memories and experiences to present themselves so I could resolve this fear. I contemplated the manner in which the messages came through. The perceived tone and attitude. The no-nonsense, no-bullshit approach. Then my own voice popped in my head asking my own signature question: Do you want my advice or my encouragement? Oh shit. My deck speaks to me like a Big Sister. And then the reminder came through that it's not the tool, it’s the wielder. Which means me. I am the reason the messages come through so clearly and directly, not the deck.

When that puzzle piece slipped into place I no longer felt the fear or trepidation. Every reading I could recall somehow shifted when this new tone and personification was introduced. I felt lighter and full of joy. And even though the messages were very direct and sometimes not what I wanted to hear, when I changed my perspective of where that information was coming from, I allowed myself to receive the message with hope, positivity and gratitude.

The most important part of this exercise for me was realizing I was totally ok with a Big Sister being direct and forthcoming. Letting me know what to watch out for. But I had to reframe it in that specific way in order to accept the messages. This made me think of how often a partner or loved one can share information or advice, but it isn’t heard or received unless it comes through a peer or perceived expert. (e.g. You can tell your partner something a 100 times and nothing, but the second their friend speaks about it, all of a sudden it clicks and they are sharing it with you like its new info.)

Why is that?

Beliefs. At the end of the day it’s all about beliefs. For me, anybody trying to tell me how to live is going to get a set of middle fingers held high. This includes a deck of cards, spirit guides, anyone really. Because my belief system based on my lived experiences dictates that anyone offering me guidance is trying to control me.

To that point, I don’t gravitate towards teachers/guides/gurus that carry masculine energy because in my lived experiences, men in positions of power or spiritual leadership abuse said power. And NOPE. FUCK NOPE.

You might be asking, Tarah, WTF does this have to do with your tarot deck? Well, if you go back and read the story, and even that very last paragraph I wrote, you’ll notice the myriad of beliefs involved, including beliefs embedded before I even held a tarot deck. And I ask, how real and true do ALL of those beliefs seem? Once we’re on the other side of them, honestly some of them seem kinda silly. And that’s ok!

When we get new information, it’s our job to update our beliefs. Kinda like how I believed the moon was made of Swiss cheese when I was like, 4 years old because someone told me that. Then I learned it was a rock floating in the sky. With new information I have 2 choices, double down on the belief that it’s Swiss cheese because that’s what I believe and you can’t make me believe otherwise, regardless of the implications of a piece of cheese being that large or able to sustain itself in space. Or, I can receive the new information, consider it against my original beliefs, and integrate it appropriately. Yeah, a rock suspended in space held in orbit by gravity, the same gravity I experience every day makes a bit more sense. Maybe I can open my mind up enough to allow that to replace my original belief, which clearly no longer serves me.

And I think that is a big struggle that many of us have. We have a belief, then the world shifts and changes and updates around us offering new information, new perspective. Do we close our eyes to it, firm in our beliefs because change is scary and hard, or do we open ourselves up to vulnerability and really look at what we believe?

Me? I no longer believe my tarot deck is something to fear, that is too predictive or too spot on. Now, I believe that deck comes to me with direct messages, the same way I offer them to others. And that makes me feel calm and at peace, even if I pull the 3 of Swords.

And with that, I invite you to take a look at an uncomfortable experience of your own, and let yourself unravel it, story by story, memory by memory, until all the puzzle pieces reveal themselves to be reassembled and integrated in the most beautiful way, the image of your best self.

Love love love,

Tarah