Why "I love you" is just a description

Think about your marriage. What is it that you really want from this relationship? Isn't it simply and above all to feel loved and appreciated?

But which of the following makes you feel more loved and appreciated? Is it your spouse or partner (a) saying to you, "I love you"? Or (b) looking into your eyes, smiling at you and giving you a hug?

It's (b), isn't it? Because (b) carries with it the feelings you want, whereas (a) is merely a description of them.

I've seen countless couples spend endless time in therapy and counselling. I used it extensively myself, through two failed marriages. And I was good at it. I could explain exactly how I felt, exactly what wasn't working, exactly what needed to change. I knew what the problems were and how to fix them.

I thought that was communication. But looking back, it was the noise that was simply making things worse.

I've come to realise that true communication in a relationship works better with fewer words rather than more.

And that there's a difference between something being useful and something being overused.

If you really think about this, you realise that all the best communication in a relationship is wordless. A few evenings ago, my partner and I sat in the cockpit of our boat at anchor, watching the light as the sun disappeared over the water. Neither of us said anything. Neither of us needed to. There was simply a knowing of something special.

Why not try this out for yourself? The next time you're near your spouse, instead of saying something to them - pointing out something you're not happy about, telling them how you feel, telling them what you want, telling them how you think things should be different - just stop. Take the thoughts completely out of your head. Don't try to replace them with positive thoughts. Just feel what it's like to have no thoughts at all. And see what happens. See what you feel motivated to do.
You might find yourself just smiling at your partner. You might give them a hug. But whatever it is, you will notice that you connect more and communicate more than you would have through words.

And if you're in the situation where you feel an argument brewing, resist the temptation to say anything. Let them talk, but you just be present. This doesn't mean you're ignoring them. It means you're actually giving your full attention to them, not the words that are coming out of their mouth. There's nothing you need to do. There's no situation you need to "rescue."

Just you, and them, in this moment.

Your spouse wants what you want: to feel appreciated and loved. Your presence can do that in ways no words can.

P.S. If you'd like another way to experience this, try my free tool Nextla. You might be surprised how the next right step in any situation shows itself when the words stop and you're left dealing only with what's real.