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Hey! I’m Tim Barnes. It’s Tuesday in America, and here at FIVE JOKES!
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Climate change is threatening Italy’s $4.7 billion cheese economy including its cheese banks that hold Parmigiano wheels as loan collateral. On the bright side, that goopy nacho cheese you get at movie theaters might start tasting like the real thing.
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Jeff Bezos is reportedly attempting to join the club of very rich Americans buying stakes in U.K. soccer teams. Again, getting him one step closer to his true goal: owning people. Hey, has that Amazon arrow always had shackles on both ends?
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Chris Carter is finally getting the director’s cut of The X-Files movie he intended to release almost 20 years ago. However, the film will be heavily redacted by the FBI, marking the first time that horizontal black bars cover more than just genitals in a movie.
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US President Donald Trump has signed an order that calls for fewer childhood vaccines and also recommends splitting the mumps, measles and rubella (MMR) shots. Huh… fewer laws and regulations for children… It’s what Epstein would have wanted.
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Finally…
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A true-crime producer posed as an heiress, then allegedly stole $30 million. It’s the perfect hustle. No matter what happens, she’ll produce the movie about it.
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Auto insurers didn't pay out on 45% of auto liability and medical claims they resolved last year.
A serious headline that’s also kinda funny any way you read it:
What we’re gonna do right here is go back / Way back / Back into time
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