The 5 leadership rules you DON'T have to follow

Welcome back to Lead with Intention! Today I want to share one of the most original thinkers when it comes to breaking old patterns and “unlearning” what we’ve been told in our careers, Lee Griffith of “(Un)Learning”.

I know Lee because we both used to work as Directors of Communications in the NHS. And because we both eventually realised that some of the “norms” we were expected to a) respect and b) blindly follow, weren’t actually what “effective leadership” meant to us. The old-fashioned “command and control” culture for one!

Lee has a lot to offer us in terms of challenging our pre-conceptions (and the cultural and corporate conditioning that goes on to shape them in the first place) around career, management and leadership. So give her a follow and subscribe to her substack if you’re interested in learning more.

Today, Lee shares her take on the leadership rules you DO NOT have to follow (even if you think you do.) This is a free guest post, so please do share your thoughts and share this if it resonates!

I’ll be back on Thursday with more authentic and effective leadership advice that may just touch on breaking some of these rules too!

Louise

Over to Lee…

The leadership rules you don’t have to follow

For a long time, I thought I had to become a completely different person to lead.

I worked in complex organisations, with layer upon layer of hierarchy, and I saw similarities in those rising to the top – it became my silent rulebook of ‘how to get ahead’.

If I wanted to be taken seriously, especially as a young woman… an introvert… the most senior specialist in my field… I had to fight against all my natural urges.

I believed I had to be harder, louder, faster, more confident. Basically, less me! It was exhausting.

The unspoken rule: you can’t be yourself and succeed.

It took its toll. I may have had the job title and pay packet as a reward for my performance, but I felt increasingly uncomfortable. I’d replay conversations and scenarios. I felt lost. I didn’t know who I was, far less what type of leader I wanted to be.

It wasn’t an overnight shift, but the more I questioned the so-called rules I was following, the more my actions met my values. I leant into my quiet confidence, I brought my personality into work with me, I pushed back against the BS and I proved that I could still be successful (and more respected).

Our view of how we need to be at work is shaped by so much – what we saw growing up, the people we work with, the portrayal of leaders in the media. We’ve absorbed the idea that strong, great leadership comes with sharp elbows, a dominant personality and a dash of arrogance in lieu of confidence.

I’ve come to realise that’s a myth.

Most of the leaders I work with aren’t struggling with skill or knowledge (although they might think they are). They’re struggling with the invisible rules they think they must follow.

These rules are fears dressed up as professionalism. Fear of rejection, of failure, of being judged, exposed, seen.

Unlearning isn’t about being rebellious. Nor is it self-improvement. It’s about reclaiming your agency – choosing who you are as a leader, rather than copying who seems to win. I encourage this through tiny experiments, the sort of adaptations that are low risk but help you shift into the way you want to be.

And let’s be honest not every organisation is psychologically safe. Some systems reward performance over authenticity. Unlearning there isn’t about dramatic change. It’s about conscious choice. Sometimes that means tiny shifts. Sometimes it means building leverage. Sometimes it means deciding the environment is the problem - not you.

Let me share five leadership rules you might have inherited and what can change for you when you question them:

Rule 1: “If I’m not the loudest, then I’m not leading.”

We’ve all been in those meetings where most of the conversation is based on people speaking to be seen, rather than anything of substance.

We think showing presence is in our volume. Authority is in how long we hold the floor. Confidence is getting in there first.

So, we talk more than is needed. We overprepare. And always fill the silence because we worry what it says if we don’t.

But normally the loudest voice isn’t the most useful one. Quiet leadership isn’t about shrinking away; it’s about choosing when you speak and making it count. Holding the tension to allow others to think. When I did this, people paid attention because they knew I didn’t waste my time or my words.

💭 Ask yourself: Where are you speaking to prove yourself instead of to move something forward?

🧪 Mini experiment: What would happen if you spoke 10 or 20% less in your next meeting?

Rule 2: “If I don’t know, I’ll be exposed.”

This one isn’t just saved for the workplace, it often shows up in other areas of our lives too. The voice that says, “I must have the answer”, “doubt is weakness”, “uncertainty = incompetence”.

We put our self-preservation armour on. We perform certainty. We pretend we’re further along than we are. We suffer in silence, fearing the threat of being labelled a fraud.

What you become is reactive.

Strategic thinking requires curiosity. It welcomes the unknown.

💭 Ask yourself: Where are you performing certainty instead of practising curiosity?

🧪 Mini experiment: What would happen if you said: “I’m not sure yet, can we think this through?” instead of rushing to an answer?

Rule 3: “Busy means valuable.”

Are you even a leader if you’re not taking part in a pissing contest around whose diary is the busiest?

Back-to-back meetings. Taking work home. Always available. It’s a status symbol for some.

We’ve internalised the idea that we have to stay busy to show the value-add.

But it often means we’re working in the weeds and giving very strong signals to our teams that we don’t trust them. Plus, our chaos is catching!

Busyness isn’t leadership. It’s fast track to exhaustion!

Strategic leadership requires space. And quiet leaders can thrive with space.

💭 Ask yourself: Where are you performing busyness instead of practicing leadership?

🧪 Mini experiment: What would happen if you blocked one hour in your diary to think this week? Protect the boundary and notice what happens.

Rule 4: “If I’m clear and direct, I’ll be disliked.”

How many times have you softened a message, over-explained or apologised for asking someone to do their job?

We do it, because we think we must be agreeable to others if we’re to be accepted.

But our lack of clarity creates ambiguity and confusion.

You can be nice and still make hard decisions. Boundaries don’t need to have sharp edges.

💭 Ask yourself: where can you be clearer in one sentence, than careful in several?

🧪 Mini experiment: What would happen if you didn’t apologise when you next ask someone to do something for you?

Rule 5: “To succeed, I have to become someone else.”

This sits quietly underneath all the other rules. It’s telling you that you’re not enough as you are.

You end up copying others. Editing yourself. Performing as someone else. Like I did. It becomes a costume you put on and in time you forget who’s inside.

But we know connection – with our staff, our clients, our communities – can only come when we’re ourselves.

💭 Ask yourself: What part of you have you edited – or muted – at work?

🧪 Mini experiment: If you stopped performing for one day, what would change? Pick one thing and try it for a day.

Unlearning isn’t about rejecting authority, being disrespectful or misbehaving. It’s about noticing the rules you’ve absorbed and deciding if they still serve you. If you discover the only way to lead as yourself is to go elsewhere - that’s data too.

Leadership – like unlearning – isn’t passive, it’s intentional.

You don’t have to act like an arse or leave your personality at home.

You do have to decide who you want to be.

Leadership stops feeling like a performance when you stop following someone else’s rulebook.

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About Lee Griffith and (Un)Learning

Lee Griffith is the founder of sunday skies and an (un)learning coach for people who care a lot. She helps purpose-led leaders, founders and change-makers unlearn the invisible rules shaping how they work and live, so they can reclaim their agency and build a business and life that feel like them. Join the (un)learning community and get her free 30-Day FLIP – filled with unlearning prompts and experiments – at https://unlearninglife.substack.com/welcome