I'm totally content as an affair partner. Am I just fooling myself?

Dear Lauren,

I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for almost a decade. We met professionally and for many years we danced around physical intimacy while we grew our friendship, out of sight of our family and friends. We eventually became intimate and have stayed so, despite the occasional ebb when guilt largely leads him to retreat, albeit temporarily.

Over the course of our affair, I’ve divorced for reasons that pre-dated him and rebuilt my life as a single person. He has remained committed to his marriage, though after all of these years, I know he loves me. And I love him. We never say this out loud, however. Somethings are better left unspoken. We are the best of friends and amazing lovers. And while I would love nothing more than to be in an open relationship with him, I accept that is not our reality and I would rather have him in my life like this, than not in my life at all.

I live an otherwise full life filled with friends, family and professional success. I don’t fully understand his commitment to his marriage or what role I fill in his life and heart that his marriage doesn’t. He is, despite this, a good man who never intended to have an affair or hurt anybody. In all other ways, he is loyal to her and the life they have built (no kids).

The guilt sometimes causes him to retreat. But he always comes back to me. He also feels guilty that he can’t give me more. At the present, I am content. But am I just fooling myself? Can affairs continue like this long term just because the alternative of not being together feels worse than the risk of harm by staying? Will the guilt eventually ruin him and our relationship? I’m not unhappy in this affair even though I wish it could be more.

Sincerely,
Content

Dear Content,

Here’s what stands out to me about your letter: you don’t describe any suffering, nor do you describe any pain.

If your needs, feelings, or requirements for partnership in life should change, your feelings may change. But you describe yourself as content at the present moment, and you describe a dynamic that seems to have largely worked for you over the past decade.

It sounds like your married affair partner is careful to keep his marriage separate from your relationship. You don’t speak of love to each other, nor do you speak about his marriage or any difficulties or discontent. That leads me to believe that he (and you) compartmentalize your relationship as separate from his relationship with his wife. At times, the two may bleed into each other — for example, with the guilt you describe.

Should the guilt you describe translate to pain and suffering for one or both of you, then there may eventually become an inflection point in your relationship.

When you ask about “the risk of harm by staying” I assume you are referring to the risk of harm to yourself — not the risk of harm to his wife. At any point, there may be harm to any or all of you in this love triangle. That is a risk you are assuming by being in a relationship with someone who is married.

And yet, there are indeed affair partners who are content in the role. The natural limitations of the relationship work for them. It affords them a freedom in their own life that they might otherwise feel burdened by in a traditional relationship. Without the responsibility of nurturing a full partnership, with all the mundane realities of everyday life, you find yourself thriving in a full life of your own.

And here is the thing: all any of us can do is make the best decisions we can at the present moment, based on the experiences, feelings, and priorities we have at that time. At this time, your wishes for the relationship to be more don’t outweigh your contentedness at everything else your relationship provides to you. That seems to be your bottom line.

I don’t hear you racked with guilt to the point of pain and suffering. And so, Content, I’m going to determine that you’re not anywhere near that inflection point that tends to naturally stress-test affairs into a space of decision-making and change. As long as you are being honest with yourself about how you feel, then you aren’t fooling yourself.

With all my love and support,
Lauren