He Filed Two Years Ago But Still Lives With His Wife

Dear Lauren,

I have been in an on and off again relationship with a married man for five and a half years. He filed for divorce two years ago, but is still living at home and claims she is delaying the process by not signing the parenting agreement. I hate to lose him but I give up. There is no reason for it to take this long. I’m lost.

Sincerely,
Giving Up

Dear Giving Up,

You’re not lost — you’ve just been sitting in the quicksand of another person’s life and are looking to the other person who is in the quicksand to get you out of it, as well.

I’d recommend you read my previous Substack letter for additional insights about the delayed experience of divorce due to fears around parenting and parenting plans.

My question to you is: are your boyfriend and his ex-wife living by a parenting agreement while they’re co-habitating? What is the delay in signing the parenting agreement if there is one in place that’s already set a precedence? What is he doing to facilitate forward motion around it (or not)?

Cohabitating with his child(ren) may be allowing your partner to delay the inevitable experience of only seeing and being with his child(ren) part of the time. It’s a painful transition, so I wonder if your partner doesn’t have the motivation himself because of his own feelings around it.

That being said, if you’re “giving up” then I’d recommend you do live out the changes you wish to see. If it’s taking this long, if you’re over your limit of waiting for things to change, it’s time to make changes in your own life. What will that look like? What will you do?

When we feel our own life is on hold because of another person, our task becomes to have the courage to begin living on our own terms. They can meet us where we need them to be when they’re ready, when their lives match and meet us in the ways we haven’t seen or experienced from them yet.

This doesn’t need to come from a place of anger or defiance. Rather, it’s better to come from a resolute place of acceptance of the circumstances. Your partner isn’t moving forward in his divorce. That’s his stuff. There’s a reason it’s not being pursued actively and completed, and while his wife may be delaying, he may also not be doing his part to motivate the entire situation forward .

Instead of feeling lost, begin to ground yourself where you are. What path forward do you need to take to begin to feel free and good in your life? Where else can you focus your attention so that you’re not feeling constrained, but rather, connecting with the abundance of life? Waiting for another person is a drag. But using the freedom we have in our own lives while they lag behind can be invigorating. It can renew the trust we have in ourselves, too.

Even identifying small changes that you can make will be helpful. You don’t have to be a victim of another person’s circumstances, but so often, we become one. If you begin to step forward in your own life, for yourself, you’ll infuse a new energy into the dynamic by default.

Change yourself, change your approach, change your outlook, and you change everything.

With all my love and support,
Lauren