“Have you tried…?”

This week, I had a conversation with someone I had just met.

We were talking, getting to know each other, and at some point the conversation touched on my neurodivergent son. I had a visceral reaction that this person obviously saw.

Before I knew it, we were going down the rabbit hole of my challenges, stressors, and worries of raising a neurodivergent child. And this new to me person started offering suggestions:

Have you tried this? What about this? You should do this.

I know it was well intentioned, but I left feeling disconnected and ashamed.

Not because this person was unkind. They weren’t. Not because their ideas were necessarily bad. They weren’t. Somewhere in the rush to help me, I stopped feeling like they were actually with me. Instead, I became a problem to solve and an opportunity to prove their value.

And maybe because we had just met, I felt it even more.

They didn’t know my family, my son, what we’ve tried, what daily life actually looks like, or all the layers underneath the thing we were talking about. There wasn’t context yet.

And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that, because I know I do it too. A lot of us do.

Someone tells us something hard, frustrating, messy, or unresolved, and we jump in. We give them the answer, the resource, the person to call, the book to read, the thing they should try.

Sometimes we even disguise the advice as a question. “Have you thought about...?” Which is basically “here’s what I think you should do” wearing a fake mustache.

We mean well. But I wonder… How often the impulse to solve has less to do with what the other person needs and more to do with how uncomfortable it is to simply sit and be with them.

That was the part I could feel in this conversation. My energy changed, and instead of this person staying with me inside that change, they felt like it was their duty to fix it. Suddenly there was distance. They were over there with the solution, and I was over here being the person who apparently hadn’t figured it out yet.

What I’ve learned after years of holding this space for others, and now being in this space myself was that what is really needed in this moment is so much simpler: recognition.

Something like, “it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on with your son?”

That’s it.

That would have made me feel seen, even in the messiness. It would have built trust and rapport, which is actually how you demonstrate value.

This is one of those tiny conversational moments that matters much more than we realize, especially if you’re someone other people come to for answers. If you have experience, expertise, good instincts, or a history of being the capable one, solving can become almost automatic.

Doing is how many of us learned to provide value. So when a conversation gets uncomfortable, we do what we know how to do. We become useful.

But presence asks something different of us. It asks us to trust that we don’t always have to move the person somewhere. Sometimes the most useful thing you can do is stay, listen, notice, and ask the question that helps them figure out what they need next (not what you think).

And I’m realizing that requires a tremendous amount of trust. Trust that I don’t have to prove my value by having the answer. Trust that another person doesn’t need me to rescue them from their discomfort. Trust that my presence is doing more than I think it is.

So here’s one thing to try this week: the next time someone brings you a problem, don’t give them a solution yet.

Before the advice, the resource, or the “have you tried...,” simply reflect back what you see.

“It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on.”
“I can see why that would be frustrating.”
“That sounds really hard.”

And then stop.

Give them a second to be seen so they can make the decision to be helped.

Because sometimes that’s the thing we skip when we’re so busy trying to prove that we have something valuable to offer.

Annoying, I know. Some of us have excellent advice.

Always,
Laura

👋 Hello, amazing one! I’m so glad you’re here.

If you’ve found your way here, chances are you’re a driven, capable woman who has reached a point where doing more won’t get you more.

Like many of the women I work with, you’re no stranger to working hard. Somewhere along the way, though, you learned to equate doing with value, even though you have so much more to offer than what you can produce, fix, or carry.

And what you actually crave is more spaciousness, simplicity, and ease.

Here’s the good news: what you desire may be much closer than you think.

Through my Lead with Presence work, I help women stop performing their value and start trusting their capacity to influence, lead, and create change without everything depending on them.

Ready? Let’s do this.

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