What In The AF Is That Thing On His Head?

(RFNN) Has The Inside Story--

We at RFNN and our international team of crack investigative journalists are on the case (we call them that because they are occasional users, it helps them with their creative writing...) and doing “the deep dive,” working from the back of our local dive bar here on the southern Oaxacan coast. Today they have a “promo” of Cerveza and a shot of Mezcal for 80 pesos, about $4.50 US. (What, you think I can write this dreck while straight? Forget about it dudes.)

For our new readers, RFNN prides itself on our coverage, which is 100% fact-free, gluten-free, and Putin-free. Fact-checking is discouraged here because we don’t want reality to confuse people by obscuring our bullshit-based interpretation of events. It also lowers our self-esteem when we are exposed as fake, so please, just don’t do it.

Once again, our lead story is centered on Trumpworld. For ten years we’ve stayed up at night struggling to solve the mystery of just what in the name of Anna Freud is going on inside the lifeless bag of meat, fat, and bone he calls his head. Now, to make things worse, we also have to worry about what’s going on <outside> his head. Have y’all seen this, whatever “this” is? The whole business really sucks out loud, it’s just soooo depressing, I’m thinking about giving up. (Not, lol.)

Some people don’t see the issue of Trump’s hair as being “strategic.” This, for example is what is wrong with the Democratic National Committee, (DNC) which due to their centrism is reticent to say bad things about Trump. They are afraid of driving away all of those moderately Nazi MAGA swing voters out there (who swing from the trees, not from party to party) that voted for Trump three f**king times. “GOP moderates” my ass. So, we at RFNN have no such hesitation at antagonizing fascists . This is what we live for, This. Is. The. Resistance!. <The hair is absolutely fair game, so get after it!>

Since we use no real sources that have credentials or experience, we can’t yet answer the question of “what is it?” So we’ll start out by making up a list of what we think it isn’t, and thereby find our answer through a process of elimination. (Hopefully of him, his businesses, his enablers, and the possibly extra-terrestial form of life recently presenting itself atop the spray-tanned Pet Rock he uses to carry around his face.)

What It Isn’t--

1. RFNN’s team thinks we can rule out that it's his natural-grown hair. That just doesn’t happen overnight, unless he had some kind of experimental IV infusion, a combo drug cocktail consisting of Rogaine, Viagra, and HGH. (It’s called a “High Screwball With A Hair In It” in the Big Pharma labs) The scientists have been pounding their tiny little pipettes like crazy to win the race to get there, but they aren’t close yet. So that’s a “hard” no on that theory.

2. We can dispel the rumor that a newly formed fanclub called “Cat Ladies For Vance” has collected a hundred kilos of petrified cat hairballs, out of which Trump’s new hair was fashioned.

Trump’s new helmet is likely NOT a compressed and polyurethaned cat-barf sculpture shaped by an AI-powered lathe gifted Trump by Vance’s “daddy,” Peter Thiel. And FFS, there is no such f**king entity anywhere representing Cat Ladies For Vance. If there was, it's infinitessimally small membership would tell us that there aren’t enough cats among them to hack up that amount of uhhhh, material. It doesn’t math at all, even though the colors match up quite well. Therefore RFNN's fact-checkers (which would be me) are calling this theory an urban legend. Forget we even mentioned it.

3. The most plausible rumor circulating is “The Norman Bates Theory,” which we at RFNN are more than happy to spread around because we are bored. This theory says that Trump had his mother’s body exhumed from one of his Golf country clubs and has been harvesting her armpit hair in the basement in order to perform a revolutionary new transplant procedure. Apparently because of the DNA match, it means there is no need for anti-rejection drugs.

A quick fact-check on Elon Musk’s GROK AI platform unfortunately ruled out that theory, on the grounds the donor hair must be alive and attached to the one growing it for it to take. Also GROK asserts that pubic hair is far more effective at regenerating than armpit hair. So, in the words of Emily Litella, “never mind.”

4. The hair is a gift from Qatar. This rumor comes from Iranian intelligence, and remains unconfirmed. Supposedly they were feeling a bit guilty in Doha at having given Trump his hyped up flying security death trap 747, now known as “Air Force Back Door,” whose security logins reportedly were found in one of Pete Hegseth’s recent SnapChats with mistress #49, Brünhilde Von Bayreuth. So, the story goes, they thought some nice new hair would be a fine gesture to help make amends. However, the Qatari Camel now walking around with itchy stubble on his totally shaved balls has filed suit in New York for animal abuse and sexual assault. Todd Blanche has announced that the DOJ and he personally will represent Trump in the civil suit.

Until I hear something which makes more sense, I’m going with this version.

5. He sent Natalie Harp to a lawn and garden store and had her pick up a packet of Chiapet seeds, genetically modified to grow in multiple shades and colors, including blonde. Natalie may have smeared a huge glob of it on Trump’s head after changing his Depends, and the stuff grows pretty fast according to their Amazon reviews.

However, a quick check with a customer service rep at Home Depot shot that theory down when reached by this...uhhhh, reporter, (🤣🤣🤣) telling RFNN that “blonde Chiapet is just a pipedream,” and that we should “get our heads out of our asses.” We aren’t discounting this theory yet, because Home Depot’s customer service has always sucked as far as I’m concerned and I don’t trust them. (Sorry Martha)

This is still a breaking story, and RFNN will remain on it and be providing real time updates throughout the weekend with our new and improved “Nightline 2.0, The RFNN Edition.” It’s titled “The World Is Having A Bad Hair Day This Year.” Your host will be me, broadcasting live from Casa Chingada, here somewhere TF down Mexico way, near the ocean.

Thanks for tuning in. And please don’t block us, we’ll get better, you’ll see.

(Photos: only his hair stands up for America, the Trump Rogaine-Viagra look: “Fluffy” admiring his contribution to the Trump wig project: Trump and Mom, the Norman Bates style: Emily Litella telling us to ignore this whole f**king thing: Trump Chiapet kit: Irate Qatari Camel, wants his Trump donation back)

Retraction: please forgive us for including a verified fact by mistake. Trump Chiapet is an actual thing, which we at RFNN, to our horror, only discovered by accident. We are not concerned about trademark infringement. We just try to keep real facts out of all this. This will not happen again. Our sincere apologies.