Welcome friends to today’s episode of “As The World Burns,” brought to you by the RFNN Whacked News Hour.
Trump, as you might have heard, has had it up to here with Canada, livid that they won’t subsidize the US Trade Deficit and stop French-Canadians from speaking French. Trump declared on Truth Social that Canadians have been speaking English for thousands of years, because that’s the language spoken by Jesus and his Apostles, and that if they want to deal with him, this French stuff has got to go.
Today Trump’s cabinet met with Pentagon leaders in the Situation Room to discuss the situation, and the future of the US continuing situationship with Canada. (RFNN photo below) They all agreed the situation was bad and that they were sitting in the right room.
(File photo, Trump Cabinet)
According to RFNN’s anonymous inside source, (Jean-Pierre LaBeouf, who once picked up Doug Ford in a wide body Uber van) Prime Minister Mark Carney told Trump in no uncertain terms, they are not giving up their sovereignty, nor will they allow Trump to replace Queen Elizabeth’s face with his on their money.
Carney in an interview reiterated, Canada will not indulge Trump’s worsening psychotic state by agreeing to be the US 51st state, because that’s one bad state too many.. In a terse press release issued today, Carney added the following;
“Trump’s demands were unacceptable...he insists he should decide who we can trade with, and at the last minute said a deal is contingent on Canada seizing and slaughtering for export the most famous horse in Canada, belonging to the RCMP’s hero, Connstable Dudley Do-Right.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dudley_Do-Right
(See, RFNN does post links to verified sources to authenticate our unique brand of BS. Just...don’t fact-check anything, please.)
Carney continued, “wanting to rename Lake Ontario Lake America is bad enough, but turning Canada’s four-legged finest, the beloved friend of Dudley and Nell into dog food is a non-starter. What Trump is doing with wild horses is proof, as if any were needed, that he is not stable.”
Meanwhile, RFNN’s anonymous Pentagon source (Jean-Pierre’s cousin Jacques, who knows everything because he drives Lyft)) has reported that Pete Hegseth has deployed 1000 missile launchers on the US-Canada border which are convertible for launching fireworks purchased in nearby Manchester New Hampshire, since we are out of missiles. (Codenamed, “Operation Snidely Whiplash”) Also there appears to be a fleet of Amazon delivery drones amassed near the Bangor Maine airport facing across from Newfoundland, which is preparing an aerial bombardment of the defenseless “Newfie” civilian population with Ivanka’s latest line of Chinese made purses and lingerie, in a blatant act of trade war. Oh, the humanity!
We at RFNN must gloat a little bit since we saw all of this coming, despite the fact that we disdain the use of verified facts, and prefer to follow our gut on these kinds of strategic assessments.
This was never about tariffs. It was really always about Melania’s widely circulated photo showing her thirsting after Justin Trudeau, and then kissing his face dangerously close to his mouth when appearing together a few years ago.
Just look at Trump’s expression, right up there with his mugshot photo from when he was booked in New York. You can be certain that this was America’s “Sarajevo” for Trump’s coming war with Canada. And we had this story before anyone, which we can prove since we made the whole thing up.
Trump at that moment swore he would have his retribution by raping every Canadian, in the only way he could, since he can no longer erect trade barriers that work, or erect anything for that matter.
Meanwhile, this reporter will continue enjoying all of the wonderful products sold here in Mexico which we import from the great nation of Canada, from Maple syrup to Seagrams, to...well, you know, everything.
On that note, we are signing off after a word from our sponsor. (We are still working on getting a sponsor, so don’t stay tuned.) If you enjoyed our fake news and want to hear more, please, send a heart and post your bank wiring information in comments.
Have a great week everyone. Fuck ICE. Play ICE Hockey instead!
(Photo credit, top, Trump cabinet in Situation Room. Bottom, “Trump’s Canadian Sarajevo”)
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