Caveman Aphorisms - Valentine's Edition

I can’t finish my excruciating Kafka-trap of a piece on why status-striving is usually a mistake that will make your life worse, and the equivalent of gorging on 5,000 calories a day because your distant ancestors lived on the edge of starvation. So instead, for Valentine’s, here’s a box of verbal confections.

This is Volume II: I keep a list in my phone of the silly things that come out of people’s mouths in everyday life. I encourage everyone to do this. The best ones are unintentionally funny, and you have to write them down with attribution but without context, so you don’t remember how it came up when you read back on them later. Scrolling through your list of forgotten statements that made you laugh years ago, by your favorite people, is a perennial heart-warmer.

Also, giving you a list of the quotes in my phone gives me something easy to write.

But first, a Valentine’s story from yesterday, as well as a reminder for all the overly-cerebral Substackers too far deep in their own minds to remember to convey romance like normal people:

So my husband had been out of down for a few days and got back on Valentine’s morning, meaning we just headed straight to the bedroom for, you know. Seemed like sufficient holiday celebration, to me.

Later that evening, we’re walking the dogs, and I’m prattling on about what I’d learned this week regarding the difference in the drug cocktails used in animal euthanasia versus executions for capital crimes, and how the reason it costs so much money and takes a decade with a high risk of being botched is because of political and legal bullshit.

He suddenly stops walking, turns to me, and says “you just took five minutes to tell me all that, but you can’t take five seconds to tell me you’re glad I’m home and you missed me?”

Me: Huh?? I thought that’s what the sex was for.

This then turned into me clarifying that he was actually serious, and being surprised, because I thought that 97% of all he cared about was sex anyway, which he then clarified for me that I was very, very wrong and mistaken about, and that it was only 84% of all he cared about. Awwwww!! Isn’t that heartwarming and romantic??

But in seriousness, it was a reminder that I get way too caught up in my thoughts and whatever I’m reading on Substack, to the point of being a jerk and an ignorer. I bet lots of you do too. In fact, I know you do. So, just a reminder, don’t forget to pay attention to the person who’s probably right in the room with you, and give them a smooch and tell them you love them. Or if they’re not in the room, give them a call. Don’t be a jerk always deep in thought about things no in your real life cares about. I’m giving this advice as if I’m not constantly violating it, but you know, do as I say, not as I do.

Okay, without further ado, here’s Volume II of Things My Husband Has Said to Me — all in good fun people, don’t be an overly-literal Larry, please! And you should definitely keep your own quote list, it’s one of my happiest habits:

• I was just looking at you, and thinking, I’m probably the only guy in the entire country whose wife stands in the kitchen and makes an impassioned and fervent speech about why only countries that look like flaccid penises should get to be officially considered part of Scandinavia, and that the other ones don’t really count.

• This would make me want to puke all over the floor. [Me: What would?] Just, how artists are.

• Babe, one of these days...you’re coming to the dump with me. I want you to see the dump. You need to experience the dump.

• I want to go to an autistic wedding! That would be way better than a regular wedding.

• They’re kind of a strange couple, I wonder what their story is. Hmmm… Well, probably he knocked her up, and then he was stuck with her. That’s what I’m going with.

• I reject any group of people that’s followed by the word “community”.

• [Talking about our dog] That’s not fair, you confused him. He’s not smart babe, he’s a dumb jock. [Me: oh, he’s a dumb jock? So what am I?] A brilliant hippy. [And what are you? A warrior?] Yeah. [And what’s [our other dog?]] She’s a drunk slut.

• I think the music doesn’t make this show better, it’s ruining it. It’s too whimsical.

• I don’t know what the plan is, okay?! I got some straps. That’s the plan.

• I could just rattle off a list of things that I’m just so happy about. I got so lucky meeting you. I don’t think you appreciate how lucky I got. In fact, that goes on my complaint list. I don’t appreciate your lack of appreciation for how lucky I got.

• It’s because you women are a pain in the balls and you’re always wanting to change things.

• You know why you love me, and why I know I’m getting laid tonight? Because I can diagnose a problem, replace a component, cause a whole different problem when I do it, and then fix that one too.

• I’m not yelling at you! I’m just responding with a loud voice.

• I need to share something with you. My head is getting fucking huge. None of my hats fit anymore.

• I can’t get over how much I hate track balls.

• Why are there always so many handicapped parking spots at the beginning of a trailhead that goes straight up a mountain?

• I think maybe the explanation is that conservative women just really like jerks.

• Yes, it was very pretty, but you can’t FEEL this picture.

• I strongly dislike the middle to old aged business traveler. All they talk about is money and golf. Horrible people.

• The only home professionals I respect are electricians. Because they can kill people or burn a house down...everyone else is bullshit.

• Today’s the first day I feel like I’m finally making progress towards my future Greek God-like physique. I actually had to tighten to my belt. Then I got on the scale, and my pants suspicions were confirmed.

• I can’t tell you how much I hate palm-cutting. It’s the most ridiculous thing in the world. It’s just like, if you need to get blood out of your body...it’s the worst place to do it! And then later on, the lord wizard of darkness is going to be like ‘hey can you help me move some boxes’, and they’re all going to be like ‘sorry I can’t, I cut my palm in your bullshit ceremony’.

• Why are you bothering wasting your time working on that? Why don’t you work on something worthwhile? Like how about learning to control your gag reflex.

• I don’t know why anyone would want to watch a running race.

• My project didn’t go very well, I’m too easily distracted. I got started and then instead I spent the whole day making a place to put my scraps. [Me: so you spent all day making a spot for your junk?] Come here, I want you to look at it. Look how nice it is. And it holds all my clamps. And it has wheels. It’s beautiful!! Look at it! LOOK AT IT!!! You’re not impressed?!?! Whatever, go ahead, put it in your quote list. It should be preserved, how proud I am of my wood.