A very big reason for hanging out in northern Arizona for an extended stay (see my last post:)
is so I can be near my soul sister, bestie, and fellow author Belinda Boring (yes, the Belinda Boring, Queen of Swoon). We’re supporting each other in being able to focus on our shared passion of writing, separately and some projects together. We have a new business venture in the works and co-rented an office space so we can work on creating our dream livesu. To pay for the office and other things we enjoy, such as food, toilet paper, and gas, we DoorDash.
Now, I’ve been doing delivery gig work for over a year as a way to pay for fuel and other expenses as I traveled up and down the West Coast. Changing towns every couple of days made it challenging ~ unfamiliar restaurants, stores, and geography ~ but also rewarding as I got to see parts of these places that I normally wouldn’t as a tourist or especially just passing through. I had the opportunity to experience a taste of daily life in each place, gain insight into where the locals preferred to eat and shop, and admire rural landscapes you can’t see from the highways that made my breath catch. I met some interesting people and witnessed some sights that I’ll never be able to erase from my mind, no matter how much I wish I could (Stephen King-type stuff, seriously).
That scenario of adventure and exploration is a lot different than the hustle-and-grind of delivering in the same place for days, weeks, and months on end to make needed money. We’re working toward goals ~ namely being able to write and do our soul-aligned work full-time again ~ but it’s still hustling and grinding. And Belinda and I are both past the age where that is fun or easy or in any way desirable. So rather than suffer on our own, we often team up, taking turns with delivering, driving, and being passenger princess, keeping each other company and helping out when needed.
Why am I telling you this? Bear with me (“There’s a bear with you?” “No, DD said bear left.” “So where did the bear go?”) ← This is kind of why. To fully understand, just imagine:
Two romance authors whose job is to make up shit
Who also happen to be somewhere in the perimenopausal phase of life, unfiltered, and exhausted to the point of giddiness while trying to keep each other going with self-created entertainment
An app we affectionately call DD, or Dori when we’re annoyed with her inaccurate and often ridiculous directions
Shopping for strangers
All of this transpires into a typical night like such:
Items:
Shampoo & conditioner
Scented bath bomb
Luxury, delicious smelling lotion
Razors
Apples
Cream cheese
Crackers
Vinyl shower curtain liner
Author1, sing-songing as she reads the list: “Someone’s going on a hot date and planning to get laid tonight.”
Author2: “Are there razors on the list?”
A1: “Yep. Hmm…and a shower curtain liner. I wonder if they forgot to add the chocolate syrup and whip cream to the list.”
A2: “Maybe we should ask them. I’d hate for their messy hot sex to be ruined because they forgot the good stuff.”
A1: “Yeah, I don’t think apples, cream cheese, and crackers sound like much fun. Kind of uncomfortable, actually.”
A2: “Those are to keep up their energy. They need more protein, though.”
A1: “And water to prevent cramps. Talk about ruining the fun.”
Items:
Hamburger meat
Buns
Frozen fries
Chocolate
Strawberries
Popcorn
Wine
A1, standing at customer’s door, needing to verify ID but nobody’s answering so texting customer: “I’m here. Can you come to the door?”
Customer: “I’m in Phoenix for the weekend [2+ hours away]. This is for my girlfriend.”
A1: “Well, she’s not answering the door. Is she home?”
Customer: “She was when I ordered. Is her car in the driveway? It should be there.”
A1: “Nope. I’ve been knocking and ringing the doorbell for 5 minutes.”
Customer: “I tried to text and call. She’s not answering me either.”
A1: “I can leave everything here at the door except the wine. I’ll have to return it to the store.”
Customer: “I understand. Sorry you had to wait so long.”
A1, back in car with A2: “6:30 on a Friday evening and the boyfriend is two hours away. He thinks she’s preparing for a quiet movie night at home.”
A2: “Oh, she’s definitely out. She’s on a date with the shower-curtain girl.”
A1: “I had to leave the meat. I hope it doesn’t go bad.”
A2: “Maybe she’s with shower-curtain girl because she doesn’t actually like…meat.”
Items for A:
Italian sausage
Lasagna noodles
Pasta sauce
Ricotta cheese
Mozzarella cheese
Garlic bread
Items for B:
Caesar salad kit
Mike & Ikes candy
Breakfast cereal
Dog food
Pet stain-removing carpet cleaner
A1: “Yum, these people are making lasagna for dinner. I’m so hungry.”
A2: “And these other people are invited over, so they’re bringing salad and dessert.”
A1, looking at items, a little concerned: “Which one is dessert?”
A2: “The candy and cereal. You never had cereal for dessert?”
A1: “At least you didn’t say the dog food.”
A2: “That’s for the new momma dog, you dork. She just had a litter of puppies and made a huge mess on the carpet, so they have to clean it. That’s why they can’t actually make dessert.”
Items:
5 gallon bucket
Bleach
Stain erasers
Multi-surface cleaner Brand A
Multi-surface cleaner Brand B
Pack of sponges
Rubber gloves
Plastic tarp
A1: “Oh, dear.”
A2: “Yikes.”
A1: “Do you think we’ll be considered accomplices?”
A2: “Only if we share our list of good places to hide a body.” Sees A1’s widened eyes, looks around at people nearby, and adds loudly, “For the book idea we were talking about, of course.”
A1, turning down the next aisle: “I feel like it was justified. Maybe self-defense.”
A2: “Yeah. It was her husband who was out on the date with that other cheating girlfriend and shower-curtain girl.”
A1: “Ohhh, a threesome of cheaters.”
A2: “And now the wife has to quickly clean up the mess because the mother-in-law is coming over.”
A1: “Right. They were supposed to have dinner with his mom but he never came home from work.”
A2: “So the wife went out and knew exactly where to find him because he’s obviously a dumbass. She dragged him home and as soon as they were inside, wham! Blood everywhere!”
A1: “Yep. Penis gone.”
A2: “And body hits the floor.” Starts singing… “Oh, then writing starts appearing in blood on the wall.”
A1: “He’s not even cold and already haunting her as if he didn’t deserve it.”
A2: “She has to clean it fast. Mother-in-law will be there soon, already pissed off because not only did she not get to eat dinner with her son, but then she was invited over for lasagna at the neighbors, but the other neighbors never made it, because they were still trying to clean up the puppy mess. No salad or dessert for any of them!”
A1: “Wife is frantically waiting for us to get there when she sees the words form on the wall: You will regret this.”
A2: “Rolling her eyes, she picks up the chopped-off penis and uses the blood from it to write over his words, because she’s a witch and she’s writing spells to cover up her crime.”
A1: “Wait. She uses the penis???”
A2: “Yeah. Dick chalk.”
A1, driving on the now quiet streets, looking for the right apartment complex and noticing all of the dark windows: “Do you ever think about how weird it is that almost an entire section of the world is unconscious all at the same time? Completely unaware.”
A2: “No, but I will now.”
A1, turning into complex and studying the buildings to find the correct one: “Or how many of the people in these apartments are having sex at this very moment?”
A2: “Or flicking a booger at their roommate?”
A1: “Wait. What?”
You don’t really want to know where that came from. Or about the time I was pulled over and got off with a warning, probably because of a very inappropriately timed fart joke from Belinda. I’m so sorry, Officer. I honestly can’t take her anywhere.
But do you want to know other stories we create? We’re always trying to figure out what our customers are preparing for dinner or their other plans, based on what we’re buying for them, and then make up whole backstories for these strangers. The more random the list, the wilder our stories get. It’s like the cooking competition Chopped, but with authors and seemingly weird but interesting shopping lists.
Let us know in the comments if you enjoyed this and want more. In the meantime, I’m back to work on the Librarians project. It’s becoming more real, and I’m so excited to be writing again.
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