I Forgot How to Write

I forgot how to write.

At least, that’s what I told myself. Along with other lies, like I’m not good enough, I never was really that great of a writer, writing is not what I’m meant to do anymore (and maybe it never really was)…

It’s been so long, though. Months since I’ve written more than an email or social media post ~ even here, for the newsletter. Over a year (?!) (*cries*) since I’ve written fiction. A couple of years (*sobs*) since I’ve published anything more than an article, blog post, or landing page. Then last week I had to write copy for a website, and I froze. Hands hovering over the keyboard, breath lodged in my lungs, mind completely blank.

“I don’t know how to write anymore,” I said aloud as I stared at the blank screen…and stared and stared.

In my head, I knew that was inaccurate. I know how to write, obviously. But something in my body seized up. I felt like I couldn’t remember how to bring thoughts and ideas out of the mind and onto the page, how to string words together into coherent sentences and sentences into paragraphs. How to bring forth what’s in my heart, soul, and mind into physical form.

Writing is a skill and an art. It needs to be practiced, and I haven’t been doing that. I’ve wanted to. Believe me when I say how badly I’ve wanted to. So much the ache in my heart literally hurts. Yet I keep finding excuses for not doing this daily, weekly, or some other semblance of a regular practice.

Time is the biggest excuse. Explained Justified by being in survival mode and having to focus all of my energy on the simple act of surviving every day. And while that is true, my heart and soul know that writing, creating in some way is critical to my survival…and to my thrival. It’s not optional. Creating and writing are necessary. Not just for me ~ for all of us. The ability, desire, and need to create in some form or another is embedded in our DNA, infused in our cells, our blood, our bones.

So I know lack of time and energy are simply excuses camouflaging the truth: I fear writing. No…I fear putting my writing out into the world again, so why bother. I fear judgment that I’m not good enough (and never was), I’m not relevant, I disappeared too long to matter anymore, I’m not original enough and just adding to the noise, I’m too original and too far “out there” to be anything but laughable…I could go on and on about my fears.

I’ve been doing another deep dive into my fears, trauma, wounds, and healing. How we can know something in our minds but never truly believe it because our bodies know differently, holding that old energy that’s been trapped, never been allowed to release, sometimes for decades, a lifetime. That’s actually why I’ve disappeared these last several months ~ I’ve been exploring and learning not only for myself but to help others. And I’ve made tremendous strides with my inner work, grown in so many ways and on so many levels.

I’ve been learning even more what is authentic for me. What is true about me before all the conditioning that began in childhood (and even before I was born because so much of what we’re taught is built on fallacies that go back millennia) and continued throughout the first 40+ years of my life. About my energy, my gifts, my passions and purpose. About what I don’t want, what doesn’t belong to me but I’ve been carrying for too long, what may have served me in the past but no longer does.

And by finding my way back to who I truly am and who/how I came here to Be, I’ve discovered the path to guide others along to their true selves, as well. And that’s a whole other thing I’m doing and I may discuss here on occasion.

But the message for this space is to share the truth, not the lies: I do know how to write. It is a gift I am meant to share with the world. I need to write and create for my own peace and joy. Some of you who have been supporting me and my stories all along may be saying, “Duh, Kristie. We’ve always known this.” And so have I ~ at least, a part of me has. I just needed to reconnect with her.

Here’s another truth, which may be harder to hear: You probably lie to yourself, too. Ask yourself: “What have I been telling myself about my gifts, my joy, my needs, my passion and purpose, who I really want to be in this world?” You may be cringing and looking for the nearest broom to sweep that under the proverbial rug.

I invite you to not turn away this time, though. To face the truths you’ve been hiding from. Because what’s there, underneath the many layers of conditioning, excuses, shame and guilt, is gold. It’s you. Your full, authentic self. Your purpose, your passion, parts of you you’ve forgotten. Your power. Your innate, divinely given, sovereign power. And at this time, more than ever at least in our lifetimes, the world needs each and every one of us to know, embrace, and stand in our power.

Authentically expressing ourselves, our voices, our creativity is part of standing in our power. I’ve been telling women, especially, for a few years now that the world needs to hear our voices now more than ever, yet I’ve been silencing my own. With lies and excuses.

No more of that. Returning to a regular practice will take exactly that ~ practice. “Doing the reps,” as my coach and mentor would say. There may be a few false starts, and I will give myself grace. But I am here to practice what I will be teaching: Knowing my power. Sharing my gifts. Making my voice heard (or, as it is with writing, seen). And hopefully, inspiring and supporting others…perhaps you…to do the same.

It’s the beginning of Spring and the perfect time to bring ourselves, our gifts, our passions and purpose, our power out of the darkness and into the light. Is there a truth you’ve been hiding from? What’s one small step you can do every day or week to begin to emerge as your fully authentic self? Think about it and if you feel called, share in the comments. I am absolutely sure you’re not alone, because you at least have me walking along with you, perhaps a few steps ahead to guide the way.

With love and peace,

Kristie

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