Discipline

Happy Monday. Writing is a great start to the week, as is saying hello.

I’ve been steeping in the Sanskrit word prajñaparāda.

The term is a combination of two words: prajña: wisdom, higher knowledge, or clear discernment, and aparādha: offense, crime, fault, or mistake.

So, one way prajñaparāda can be translated is conscious mistake against clear discernment.

From my understanding, prajñaparāda is basically the human condition. It is when we observe ourselves taking actions that go against what we know to be supportive for our wellbeing. It is when we say in our heads “ah, yes, I know I shouldn’t be doing this” but we just do it anyway, as we watch ourselves essentially override our inner wisdom, intuition, and common sense.

And it happens all of the time: When I catch myself interrupting my focus to check my phone more frequently than necessary. When I ask for reassurance even though I know realistically everything is (probably) ok and I am safe and secure. When I procrastinate on a creative project that I know is begging for my energy. When I avoid a high priority task and opt to do something less boring / more pleasurable. When I jump to conclusions instead of being patient and open. When I speak too soon. When keep talking when it’s better to pause. When I avoid doing my favorite things when I really need them the most, like making art just for the sake of it or going on a walk.

I do not see all of the above as “things I am doing wrong that make me a bad person”, rather they are beautiful moments of revealing my habituated patterns. It is a gift to know and see these things with humility.

The more we discover ourselves, the more we get acquainted with what does and does not serve us and our effects on the world around us.

The more brutally self-aware we become, the less blissfully unaware we get to be!

The more we heal, the clearer we can see what causes our own suffering.

It is all for the very best.
If by ‘the very best’ we mean never being able to hide from our truths.

I’ll take that over ignorance any day.

Important note: the remedy for overcoming prajñaparāda is not a guilt-shame-regret spiral. Although that is what may occur. And, we are allowed to feel all those things. It’s all a part of it.

The good news is that making mistakes against discernment implies that we HAVE, at least some, discernment, which is half (if not more) of the battle.

But discernment can’t always act alone.

For me this is where a heart-based discipline comes in.

This kind of discipline looks like choosing the right action even when it is not the easiest, because you hold in your heart a greater purpose that matters to you.

I believe that a supportive (and not punitive) flavor of discipline should include space for fire-like truth that is born from clear seeing, and water-like compassion from which every single perceivable iota of your being is completely and purely accepted for everything it is.

I think discipline needs to be approached carefully. You can’t just use raw, brute, unsupported willpower as discipline. I mean, you can, (you spicy little thing), but it will be hollow and won’t hold up. Or it will just damage you over time and you won’t hold up. There needs to be a sincere and positive felt sense of purpose within the discipline for it to endure, and also, according to the sutras, a kind of surrender.

Seeing discipline as something that serves me, an individual, is one thing. But when I see discipline as something that serves and honors something bigger than myself, that really gets me going with fulfilling intentions. I feel that when I do the things I intend to do, instead of letting the wind blow me around, it restores right order in my little microcosm of the universe.

We are rewarded somehow, maybe through a natural cosmic flow (who knows?) when we resist our unsupportive habits and choose a different, more supportive action.

The variety of discipline I am personally after is that which leads me away from self-deception and into the actions I actually want to be taking. It requires, first and foremost, being really honest. It requires energy that burns bright and clean and quick. It requires clarity in the senses. It requires vulnerably making a whole universe of mistakes and learning from each one. Sometimes it requires doing things you don’t feel like doing, or stopping yourself doing something you just only crave. Sometimes it requires doing the unsupportive thing 1000 times until the lesson finally sinks into the melon! It most certainly requires forgiveness and love and dedication.

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The big choices have been clear to me for years. But there have been a lot of moments lately when I am faced with little choices to make in my day, and I don’t always choose best. And I am noticing it. But I want to say that simply noticing it is huge and underrated. If you’re noticing, you are games ahead of ignorance. We are always growing and learning.

But then, there are moments when I do feel clear enough to do the thing that aligns with how I want to live. I am starting to just pause in those moments to acknowledge them.

Each teeny tiny conscious choice adds up to a larger reality, and we do have the power to shape it.

I write this all here because I think artists can only really make work if there is a level of discipline. The behind-the-scenes discipline that drives artistry might not always be noticeable at first glance. Neither is the fact that discipline can sometimes be the very most challenging thing for folks whose creative energy is wild and in motion. Every person I see doing something wonderful, I am starting to see through a lens of how much discipline they must have to power through the process of getting to the place they are.

I am giving everyone I know and beyond a lot of credit for simply trying to create and show up to anything, in a collective time when our attention can easily become fragile to fragmentation from distractions in all directions. In a moment when humanity is outsourcing so much potential for integrated brilliance to apps and chat bots. I am afraid we are becoming vulnerable to losing our sense of how strong our inner responsibility can be, and also the high capacity we really can have over how we live our lives.

Every sincere expression that makes it all the way through the human portal feels especially like a gift. I am appreciating this.

Way to go.

♡ -Kristen