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I spend a lot of time tracing the lines of how something came to be. Some of what drives that effort is plain curiosity, but also, it’s motivated by a deep desire to trace God’s hand at work. Multiple times in Scripture we are reminded that we don’t know what God is doing, and that God is working in ways we neither see, understand, nor expect. And to trace His hands is a faith-building practice. Remembering how we’ve seen God at work in the past builds our courage, it helps us keep following even when we aren’t sure (or don’t like) where it seems we are being led.
A life of faithfulness is a bold invitation to walk in this blindness, trusting that God is ordering our stumbling steps.
I want to tell you about the recent art commission work that I just completed for a church in Andover, Massachusetts, but in order to share this story, I have to go back to where it all started. The beginning matters because this invitation is rooted in years of work and stumbling faithfulness, and because the slow work of God is part of this story. Arguably, the most important part. And because the work of God is so layered, we will never be able to fully comprehend what God is doing, but if we retrace our steps, we may be lucky enough to catch a glimpse.
At the turn of the new year, I worked through a long Examen as a practice of reflection. Because part of my examen reflection touched on the Retreats that I’d spent over 10 years hosting, I had to go back to the very beginning of my retreat work, which was somewhere in 2010-2011, when blogging was big and everyone everywhere (it seemed) was getting book deals.
Despite my many meetings with agents and editors, no book deal ever materialized in the ways that I’d hoped and that reality became a sharp point of refining that literally changed the course of my life. During a season of my “divine discontent” God called me to the carpet (literally) and humbled me in such a way that when I got up off of my face and walked out of my closet, I was changed. It sounds dramatic because it was.
I wrote about that life-altering experience in a little self-published work, which, in 2012, found it’s way into he hands of my dear friend, Nirma. I did not know here then, beyond the occasional interaction in the blog comment section, and I did not know how God was using that little self-published book in her life. I would learn this later.
Thirteen years later, in October of 2025, Nirma emailed me to ask if I’d consider making a Tryptic for her church. The invitation felt initially, like it came out of nowhere, but what I need you to know, dearest reader, is that it did not come out of nowhere at all. In fact, it came out of one trembling act of obedience in 2011, which came out of a hundred other small things born before that. So many layers.
After hearing the vision for their Tryptic, and several back and forth emails and texts, I created a playlist and gathered my materials. I ordered custom made, 30X48 inch panels from Raymar, a company I’d never worked with but highly recommend. And while I waited for my panels to arrive, I prayed and waiting for ideas to surface.
A couple of the biggest challenges I faced while working is that I am an intuitive artist, in that I don’t typically sketch or pre-plan my pieces. Visual art for me is an embodied prayer practice that unfolds in real time, without a script. This is just how I work. The other hurdle that I found most challenging is that I have never made anything to this scale before. These panels were enormous and there were three of them. Early on, before I agreed to take the commission, I emailed Nirma to express my concern about the size because I’d only made small art and Nirma’s response was simply, that I just hadn’t done anything larger yet.
Initially, I’d told Nirma and Mandi (Director of Operations) that I’d use a shade of blue for the base color of the panels, but as I began working, I simply could not progress with the blue the way I’d offered. While in the middle of some prayer and concern over how to address this with them, I received an unprompted text from Nirma inviting me to trust my process and my engagement with God on these pieces. She stressed the freedom I had and the trust that the church was offering me. When I told Nirma what I was thinking—more peachy-pinks, more sunset colors, Nirma texted me a photo of the sunset she was standing under. It was a near match for where my mind was.
For weeks, I was able to work on the pieces without too many disruptions, but as I got closer to affixing more permanent pieces to the art, I struggled to move forward. The vision was taking shape in my mind, but it was more abstract than originally discussed with the team. It made sense to me, but would it make sense to their community? Once again I reached out to check in before permanently altering the panels in a way that would be difficult to undo.
Ince again, it seemed that God was speaking to us all. Mandi and Nirma both gave me their blessing to proceed as inspired. I cannot tell you what a gift it was to work with two women who not only trusted God’s hand in this process, but trusted me with whatever the outcome would be. I am forever grateful and humbled by their generosity and grace all along the way.
Every time I went down to my art table to work on this project, I listed to one thing only—the playlist I’d made at the beginning of the project. Listening to this playlist on repeat helped me stay focused and in prayer while I worked. It was a signal to my heart and mind, (and my hands) to stay “in” it while working. There’s no magic to this practice, I just found it personally helpful for focussing and drowning out the noise of the world while I worked.
It feels important to say that this work was some of the hardest I’ve ever done. At the same time I was working on these pieces, unexpected things were added to my already-full days that I could not avoid navigating. It seemed like a daily occurrence towards the final weeks of this project to wake up to some new crisis du jour that needed addressing before I could get down to my art table. There were unnumbered late nights, a few lot of tears and a life-line call to my friend Susan Mulder who helped talk me off the ledge of wanting to gesso the panels and start over. (I did not do that but in a few desperate hours of creative angst, I seriously debated it.)
In so many ways, this project was a group effort, for all the encouragement and prayers I received during the process. I couldn’t have done it without that grace and kindness. I couldn’t have done it without the Lord’s merciful hand guiding me along the way.
After the panels were completed, my husband helped me build frames for them and we wrapped them for travel. I drove them up to Andover to deliver them in person.
If you’d told me in 2011, that I’d be commissioned in 2025 to make art for a church in Andover Massachusetts, I would have never believed you. It has been a HUGE gift and privilege to share this creative work with a community to which I am an outsider. I will treasure this experience the rest of my life. As I savor the enormity of this gift, what I keep returning to is the mysterious and layered work of God who, in unbridled kindness, invites us participate in dreams and experiences that we haven’t dared to imagine.
When I found myself face-down in the dusty carpet of my closet, I had no idea what would come next. In the years since that humbling, I have been deeply blessed and lost much, all at once. There are so many layers…
What I want you to hear most as I close, is that faithfulness is a long walk. Eugene Peterson called it “A Long Obedience In The Same Direction”. Just because we think we know where we are headed doesn’t mean we know where we are headed. Or how we will get there. Or what trials and tribulations will meet us along the way. Our work is to keep walking—to keep looking for opportunities and invitations and to keep saying “yes” even when we are scared or ill-equipped, or have no idea what or how to do what is being asked of us. I have seen and experienced the equipping of God in real time. His faithfulness is tested and true. This project is one more piece of evidence.
The question always before us is, do we trust God to be God?
I do.
God help me, I don’t know any other way.
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