30 Questions That Work Better Than ‘Why Did You Do That?’

I’m keeping this one short and sweet because I’ve realized I have a habit of accidentally turning every Substack post into a full manifesto.

So, no manifesto today…just 30 practical questions that can help deescalate conflict, uncover what is really going on, repair connection, and move forward.

Use them naturally, one at a time, rather than interview-style. Adapt the wording to the child’s age, the situation, and what they can handle in that moment.

1. What’s bothering you right now?

2. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?

3. Is there something specific that’s making you upset?

4. Would you like some space, or do you want to talk about it?

5. What can I do to help you calm down?

6. Can you take a few deep breaths with me?

7. Do you want a hug or some comfort?

8. Is there a special toy or activity that might make you feel better?

9. Can you use words to explain what’s going on?

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10. What do you think caused this issue?

11. How do you think we can solve this problem together?

12. Can you suggest some possible solutions?

13. What would be a fair compromise for both of us?

14. How can we prevent this problem from happening again in the future?

15. Is there anything we both need to apologize for?

16. Can we find a way to understand each other better?

17. What are some positive things we like about each other?

18. How can we rebuild trust in our relationship?

19. What have we learned from this situation?

20. How can we make sure our relationship stays strong?

21. Are there any goals or dreams we can work on together?

22. What activities do you enjoy doing with me?

23. Can you think of ways we can have more fun together?

24. Are there any changes we can make to improve our communication?

25. How can we support each other in the future?

26. What can we do to celebrate our successes together?

27. Do you have any ideas for making our relationship even better?

28. How can we continue to grow & learn together?

29. What are our shared values & priorities?

30. Can we express our love & appreciation for each other more often?

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is pause the lecture and ask a better question.