When there's too much change

This one is a rather self-focused - I’m sorting out my mess of a head, and while I normally do this privately, I decided to publish this.

Hope you get something from it.

My life feels like one big procession of huge changes lately. And while I normally thrive on change and novelty, there’s only so much I can take before it stops being fun and starts making me want to curl up in the foetal position in my wardrobe.

I had some majorly identity-shattering news in late 2020. I think I’ve mostly dealt with it, but it’s also something that I don’t think I’ll ever completely deal with.

I had another, less harrowing, surprise bomb of identity-challenging news a few weeks back. It feels like I can deal with this one, and in the end it will be positive, but it’s still taking major adjustments.

So they’ve both been difficult to adjust to (understatement of the century there). I’ll write about #2 soon, and I might write publicly about #1 some day.

By themselves they would be enough, but because I don’t do anything by halves you can add them to the other major changes that are happening right now.

1. In 2020 I was homeschooling 5 children. Now 4 are adults and I’m only fully responsible for 1 (turns out having 5 under 5 means sudden changes at both ends of childhood).

2. I’m selling my business. I’ve been running it for 7 years, and even though many weeks I didn’t do a lot of work, it was still always there as my big ongoing project.

3. I turn 40 next week.

4. I’ve made the decision to never go back to ward-style nursing again, which eliminates most job options.

So I’m empty-nesting, ending one career path, possibly ending another career path, and hitting a milestone birthday.

When I took the time to step back and list all the above, I realised why I’ve felt overloaded and overwhelmed lately. It’s a lot to deal with all at once.

And it’s also identity-challenging. I’ve been a stay-at-home mum for nearly 20 years. A homeschooling parent for around 16. I started my nursing degree in 2014. And I’ve been an entrepreneur for 7. I’m dropping the majority of that within two years.

What’s going to fill in the vacuum left by all those roles vastly reducing or disappearing?

(I was meant to transition to nursing as the kids got older, so I did have a plan - it failed)..

My first reaction to anything is action, and I’ve tried that. Here are a few ideas I’ve been tempted to launch straight into.

1. Further study and training to become a sonographer, diabetes educator, or science communicator.

2. Going all-in on my tie-dye side project, getting YouTube and Mediavine monetisation asap, and doing custom dyes for people.

3. Starting another online business teaching online business.

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But I’ve gradually realised that setting big goals and making big commitments right now is a very bad idea.

Things that would normally get me excited and energised instead feel overwhelming and scary.

I can’t get the mojo to do anything. I can’t get excited enough about one path to enroll, or get up early, or actually do any work.

I do the brainstorming and planning and outline everything…and then it all seems too hard, and I dump it.

I’m not very good at listening to my brain and body, but they’re protesting loudly enough that even I can hear them clearly.

So in the interests of me not doing something I’ll probably regret, instead of throwing myself straight into the Next Big Thing…

…I’m taking a sabbatical.

(And yes, I feel like a total wanker for calling it that, but it’s the most suitable word).

A sabbatical was originally a break taken just to rest - one day a week to rest yourself, one year from every seven to rest agricultural lands.

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The modern sabbatical has been co-opted into capitalism, so it’s now a period of personal growth and development, where you learn new skills and broaden your horizons while rounding out your resume (learn a language! volunteer in Africa! write a book!), while humblebragging about the amazing things you’re doing.

But only so you can come back and be even better at your job - productivity is still the main objective.

That still sounds a lot like work to me.

Fuck that. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted, which translates into bone-deep fatigue most days. I feel like crap. I just need to rest.

And so that’s what I’ve committed to do until the end of the year - take an olden-days sabbatical, and rest.

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I can do stuff if it’s fun. Right now I’m having a great time experimenting with dye mixing and how I’d put together ice-dye kits. Maybe it will turn into an actual product, maybe not. But my brain is having a lot of fun coming up with colour combos and ways to produce a marketable ice-dye ring, and ooh, look at those cardboard shakers on AliBaba! It’s engaging and absorbing, so it gets the OK.

But I’m not allowed to start a business, enroll in any sort of long-term course, or push myself to do anything that actually feels like pushing. This can be summed up as ‘no commitments’. No committing to anything that will require regular and ongoing time from me.

I will sleep as much as I need. I will run and work out, because it keeps me functional. I will read ‘trashy’ books because they make my brain quiet. I will eat food that makes me feel good. I will go camping in the bush and hike through the rainforest and swim in creeks (but only the ones without crocodiles).

And I will also fall off the wagon with all the above, but I will get back on it without beating myself up about it.

And after three months of all the above, I might feel better. Or I might extend it.

So if you see me excitedly announcing some big project here, feel free to hold me accountable, and ask if it fits into my sabbatical rules.

I tend to get carried away, so it’s highly likely. Police me!

And what would you do on a sabbatical? What would your rules be? Let me know in the comments.

xxKelly

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