Well, this explains a lot

About a month ago I found out that I’m autistic.

(BANG - no burying the lede here 🤣)

It’s not something I was actively pursuing or ready for - it turns out being friends with an autistic psychologist with correlating experiences of being high-achieving but hopeless, late-diagnosed and female, can be quite insightful.

And so the last month has involved a shift in how I view myself, my behaviour, my life, and my future plans.

You know, basically everything.

The time has been filled with ‘oh, I get it now…’ moments.

Like -

• Oh, now I understand why nursing is utterly exhausting.

• Oh, now I understand now why doing all the right things to treat depression and anxiety weren’t working - it’s actually autistic burnout.

• Oh, now I understand why social situations with unclear rules freak me the fuck out.

• Oh, you mean most people don’t monitor every aspect of their face/posture/voice/eye contact for every single second of every interaction?

• Oh, so that’s why I can get the top marks in my nursing degree but can’t seem to manage making dinner on time or complete a few basic household chores

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So far it feels like one of the most insightful months of my life, and also a rollercoaster of emotions.

Emotions that I have to assess intellectually to understand, but that’s NORMAL for me, right?

Also, note to a psychologist I saw last year - she listened to me describe how I mentally assess the sensations in my body, relate them to what’s happening in my life and environment, and decide how I feel based on that. She made me feel defective, then told me I need to do more to get in touch with my body and ‘feel my feelings’. And also that I should check with myself why people exhaust me. Lady, please go read the DSM-IV for autism and don’t miss out on the massive flashing red light of RIDICULOUSLY OBVIOUS SYMPTOMS for the next person, OK?

Anyway.

Going by the completely scientific meme below, right now I’m in the appropriation/taking up space stage, which is apparently quite normal for late-diagnosed females who get an A+ for adaptability and masking.

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I don’t feel ‘properly’ autistic, even as I slowly realise the many ways it has affected my life and my choices. But I also feel autistic af as I read lots of books and see myself in their experiences and behaviour, over and over and over again.

Like…the reading lots of books thing, and turning everything into an obsessive research project? #actuallyautistic

See, it’s everything.

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One aspect has made me think very hard though.

Now I have a diagnosis that means that, say, ward nursing will never suit me, I feel that I can drop the idea of ever doing it again.

But I’ve spent years gaslighting myself about not being able to handle it.

That I’m weak or lazy for being exhausted after every shift and unable to do anything at home afterwards.

That I’m smart, I got great marks, so I shouldn’t struggle so much with doing routine stuff like med rounds (where I had to personally interact with 20 people in under 2 hours).

Constantly telling myself I just need to try harder. That other people seem to do this stuff without falling apart, so why can’t I?

Now I have a ‘valid’ reason why, I don’t feel I need to persevere with stuff that I’m so obviously unsuited to.

And I’m thinking that maybe that would be a great attitude to have all the time.

That it should be acceptable for everyone to say nope, that’s not for me. Tried it and it didn’t work. Not going back there. No guilt, no shame.

I’ve known I’m unsuited to certain things for years. I’ve scaffolded my entire life to suit me, with the whole anti-rat, anti-capitalist lifestyle - lots of downtime, a low-touch, flexible online business instead of in-person work, and coping strategies like exercise and writing.

But certain things felt like a challenge I needed to master. That everyone else could do them easily, that I was a failure for struggling, that I needed to push through and master the challenge.

Now I know I’m not a failure. I’m autistic, which simply means that they’re not for me.

I’m awesome at learning and logic and making connections. But I never have been, and never will be, great at interacting with people face-to-face or dealing with complex social situations.

And you know what? That’s OK.

I can do my brainy thing, others can do the social thing, and all the things can get done by people who are great at (and not destroyed by) that specific thing.

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If you know of any resources I might like, or you have your own autism story, please feel free to share it in the comments - I love learning from lived experience, especially around mental health and diagnoses, because mainstream resources can be a minefield of stigma, misunderstandings, and paternalism.

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xxKelly.