Do They Really Need to Know?

As I’ve been working on my sermon for this Sunday on the power of the tongue from the book of Proverbs, I’ve been interested in understanding how gossip works in our daily lives. The Bible warns us against being a gossip in passages like this:

“Without wood, fire goes out; without a gossip, conflict dies down.” — Proverbs 26:20 CSB

A gossip stokes the fire of conflict and causes relational problems for others. But how do I know if I am a gossip?

In my personal observation, people instinctively know when they have been hurt by gossip. It’s deeply painful when you realize that other people are talking negatively about you behind your back. But we are often less aware when we gossip about others.

On Facebook this week, I asked two questions to help me with sermon prep:

1. What’s the best definition of gossip you’ve heard?

2. Have you ever apologized to someone else for gossiping about them?

I received some great definitions. Most focused on talking about someone behind their back or discussing a matter with someone who is not part of the problem or the solution. It seems like we have a pretty good sense of what gossip feels like when other people do it to us.

But only a few people responded to my second question. Two or three mentioned that they had apologized to someone for gossiping about them, but they didn’t think the conversation went very well or produced good results.

Today, I want to explore the biblical definition of gossip, do some self-reflection on how we handle sensitive information, and understand the impact of gossip. At the end, I want to share some practical ideas on how to stop gossiping if this sin has become an ongoing problem in your life.

I find it interesting that the Bible uses the word as both a verb and a noun. Gossip is something we can do, but a gossip is also someone we can become. To gossip about someone is to break their confidence. This can happen in at least two ways according to the book of Proverbs.

First, a friend can share private information about themselves with you, and you share that information with someone else.

Look at Proverbs 11:13: “A gossip goes around revealing a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence.”

To keep a confidence is to listen to something personal and keep that information to yourself. If you take secret, private details that someone shares with you and pass them along to another person, you are gossiping about them.

Second, you can be hurt by someone’s sin and then go around telling other people what they did to you.

Listen to Proverbs 17:9: “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.”

This is a different situation than before. In this circumstance, the other person didn’t TELL you something; they DID something to you. And rather than going directly to that person to reconcile and restore, you tell someone else what they did to hurt you. That’s gossip too.

It seems like the pattern in Proverbs regarding gossip is revealing private information—regardless of how that knowledge was gained—to people who are not involved in the situation and don’t need to know it.

Proverbs 20:19 warns us, “The one who reveals secrets is a constant gossip; avoid someone with a big mouth.”

This is why I like this simple definition: gossip is telling someone’s private information to another person.

And I like this powerful metaphor of a gossip: a gossip is a merchant who trades in other people’s secrets.

This leads us to look carefully in the mirror and ask ourselves an uncomfortable question.

I want to share personal evaluation questions that might help us diagnose our words and the motives of our hearts.

First, do people entrust me with private information about their lives? Or do people avoid revealing personal details because they are not confident I will keep them private?

Second, do people regularly come to me to talk about other people? This may mean that I give an ear to gossip or give off signals that I enjoy talking about others.

Third, have I hurt important relationships by sharing inappropriate information with others? Have I damaged friendships, my marriage, family relationships, or even relationships at work because I shared something that wasn’t mine to share?

Fourth, have people confronted me about my gossip? If they have, did I listen, learn, and repent? Or did I justify my wrong speech?

Regardless of how the Enemy lies to us, gossip is not a victimless sin. Gossip causes great harm. To turn away from gossip, we need to internalize the negative consequences it creates.

People stop trusting you. Most people forget this basic truth: if someone will gossip to you, they will gossip about you. Why would you trust someone who regularly tells you another person’s private business? In this way, gossip may produce short-term gain, but it will always cause long-term pain. Gossip feeds distrust.

Friendships break, and people pull away. When we gossip about others, they stop drawing near and sharing their personal struggles with us. And when this happens, we have handicapped our friendships. We can’t go deep with people who no longer feel safe sharing openly with us.

Conflict increases. When we gossip about someone else, we sow seeds of doubt in the mind of a third person. This is basic triangulation. And when we do this, we create unnecessary conflict. Direct conflict is not always bad because it can increase intimacy and communication. But indirect conflict? Starting conflict with a third person who was not involved in the original situation? Never good.

Self-righteousness grows. When we tear other people down and dishonor them to others, we start to believe that we are better than them. This cripples our spiritual growth because we start to believe our own press and look down on other people.

If gossip is this destructive and causes this many problems, why do we still do it? Gossip may be one of those sins that is most common among us and least confessed by us.

It gives us a false sense of power. When we are talking about other people, we feel like we are in control of the information and the narrative. When we talk directly to people, we have to work harder to listen, stay humble, and deal honestly with the situation. Gossip creates a false sense of power over others.

It makes us feel better about our own sins. When we are talking about other people’s problems, we can more easily ignore our own problems. What if we used fewer words gossiping about other people and more words confessing our own sins to one another?

It helps us quickly connect with others. Gossip is powerful because it draws people to us in the short term. If you want someone to listen closely, just start a conversation with, “Have you heard about _____?” People love to be in the know, and they will lean in. But that closeness is short-lived and will cause distrust in the long term.

It gives us something to talk about. If we are not interesting people who read widely, learn new things, or have new experiences, we can struggle to know what to talk about with others. An easy off-ramp from a boring conversation is to start gossiping about someone else.

It hurts people who have hurt us. This is where we really have to watch our hearts. We often gossip because we want to hurt someone who has hurt us. We think we are justified in tearing down someone who has done something wrong. But as I always say, “Other people’s sins don’t justify our sins.”

As you read this article, you might realize that you have fallen into a pattern of gossiping about others. And you genuinely want to change.

But how do you change?

Here are five things we can do with our words that can help us stop gossiping about others.

1. Speak less. Proverbs 10:19 is one of my favorites: “When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is prudent.” If gossip has become a problem for you, ask God to give you the strength to stop talking. Until you can learn to speak well of others and keep confidences, simply talk less.

2. Speak to, not about. I say this little phrase to myself all the time. If you have real concerns about what someone else is doing, speak directly to that person rather than indirectly about them. If you don’t have the courage to talk to them about their sin, don’t talk to others about their sin. Ask God to give you the strength and the words to speak to that person face to face.

3. Honor people who are not present. This one is huge. Romans 12:10 includes one of my favorite phrases in the CSB translation: “Take the lead in honoring one another.” Take the lead in loving other people by honoring them when they are not present. This is the biblical version of, “If you can’t think of anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” I want to be known as a person who honors people when they are absent and challenges people when they are present.

4. Apologize for gossip. If you realize after reading this article that you have been gossiping about someone, have the courage to apologize. Looking someone in the eye and asking their forgiveness for sharing something you should not have shared will help remind you not to do it again.

5. Pray for others. I can’t think of a better use of our words than to pray for one another. Instead of talking to a third party who’s not involved in the situation, talk to God, who is always involved in every situation. Express your pain, hurt, frustration, and confusion to God rather than spreading it to someone else.

In the end, remember God’s grace. If you have gossiped, confess it. Ask God’s forgiveness, and when appropriate, ask forgiveness from the person you have hurt. Then receive God’s grace and determine, with His help, to use your words differently.

God has been incredibly kind and merciful toward us, and He calls us to extend that same kindness and mercy toward others. We don’t need to expose every failure, repeat every story, share every secret, or tell everyone what somebody did wrong. Sometimes one of the most loving things we can do is simply keep our mouths shut.

Our words are powerful. They can stir up conflict or bring peace. They can destroy trust or strengthen it. They can tear people down or build them up.

So before you share that story, repeat that secret, or tell someone what another person did, ask yourself one simple question: Do they really need to know?

If the answer is no, don’t say it.

Use your words to build up, not tear down.