Olivia Dean Turned My Grief Into My Purpose

Last night I walked into MSG to see my queen, Olivia Dean not realizing it was about to be the best therapy session I've ever had.

When I first started listening to Olivia Dean, I thought she was singing about heartbreak, young love, with a hint of finding yourself. Last night I realized she’s been singing about something so much deeper: the art of loving yourself through every version of breaking apart whether thats love, motherhood, grief, or friendship. Surrounded by thousands of women carrying their own experiences, I felt a wave of understanding and healing.

Have you seen the memes about how Olivia Deans albums feel like a warm hug? Halfway through the show she gave us a bit of insight into her song ‘Carmen’ which is about her immigrant grandmother, and the sacrifices she made in order to make a life for her family. In that moment, I felt my dad wrap his arms around me. He, like Carmen worked so hard to give me the life he dreamed of for himself.

My dad died 1 month before my 24th birthday. I felt my heart break in a way that I wouldn’t wish on any young adolescent. I was living in LA at the time, and had just experienced my first really sad friendship breakup. I was so unsure of what the future held and so I spent a lot of time reflecting on what he wanted for my life, while also working hard not to lose myself.

A few weeks before my dad passed away, I was sleeping in my room at my parents house which was across from the main bathroom. He had mustered up the strength to get to the rest room, but couldn’t get back to his bed. I heard a faint knock on my door, and through his winded breath he asked if he could lay with me for a few moments.

I remember being in such denial that he was going to be leaving me, and he knew that. I also think he knew his body was failing him, because that night as he was cuddled up facing away from me he told me to be strong, to give as much love as I can to others, and to always trust in God. On their own these sentiments were engrained into my life from a young age, but all together they felt like his final lesson.

As I listened to 'Carmen' through the lens Olivia gave us, I understood how she admires her grandmother's strength and attributes who she is today to her.I hope through the love and lessons my dad gave me, I'll be able to raise my daughter to believe she can become everything she’s meant to be. That's how I honor him. That's how his love lives on.

Thats a lot to feel in a 4 minute song in a stadium of 20 thousand, but in that moment surrounded by so many processing their own grief, their own legacies, their own Carmen moments, I understood why I love Olivia Dean so much. She helps you turn your heartbreak into purpose.

xx, kayla