When I was going through my dad’s things after he died, I found a stack of newspaper clippings he’d saved. One of them was a Dear Abby–type column from the 1970s that offered this advice to parents: don’t try “having a talk” with a teenager when they’re hungry. The gist of the piece was, if your kid is being rude or a general PITA they could just be in need of food (as teenagers always seem to be). Instead of flipping out and “cracking down” on bad behavior, toss them a PB&J like you might fling one to a caged tiger, hang back for a bit, and see if things resolve themselves.
In that spirit, I met Mary Van Geffen—author of Parenting a Spicy One—to talk about the body’s basic needs that, when unmet, can fuel tantrums. Before jumping in with your big voice to lay down the law, consider that your child might not be in full control—or even able to take in your stern feedback—when their brain is dealing with unmet physiological needs that are draining their energy.
The acronym H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), has been used by parents since the ’80s as a simple stop-and-check tool for more peaceful parenting. But I thought it needed an update as there’s a key need missing from that checklist: physical activity. Children’s behavior has shifted dramatically since the 1980s, and widespread sedentary lifestyles weren’t the norm back then the way they are now. It’s no wonder “too much stillness” didn’t make the list—but it’s time to update it. Add an S for Stillness (Sedentarism or Sitting, mostly) and you get H.A.L.T.S.
Before reacting, STOP (halt, get it?) and use the acronym to assess the situation. P.S. Stop and assess yourself, too. Are you having super-strong reactions because you need a walk? Are you the tiger that just needs a sandwich?
Listen above for more.
Curious about how to layer movement into your child’s life? Join me for a free Book Club Workshop for Therapists & Parents of Neurodiverse Kids - April 16th
Using Grow Wild: A Whole-Child, Whole-Family, Nature-Rich Guide to Moving More for context, we’ll be discussing barriers and solutions when it comes to physical activity. Hosted by Outdoor Kids OT, this evening offers a chance to feel less alone, more supported, and better equipped to help neurodiverse kids stay active in ways that work for them and for you!
Books mentioned in our conversation:
KEEP LISTENING: I’ve talked to Mary Van Geffen twice about movement for spicy kids and their parents on my podcast, Move Your DNA: once about movement as regulation for spicy kids and once about “dynamic regulation” for their parents.
Ep. 157 Movement as Regulation for Spicy Kids
Independent, non-conformist, neurodivergent and sensitive kids can be particularly thrown off kilter by social and movement restrictions. We discuss the need for these kids to express their feelings in a physical way, focusing particularly on outdoor play, big-body movement, combative play and controlled destruction, all of which can defuse the intensity of feeling and foster a sense of autonomy.
Ep. 192 Parenting a Spicy Child? How to Use Movement to Find Calm and Connection
We unpack what it’s like to parent strong-willed, big-feeling kids (and stay sane while doing it) and how movement can support self-regulation and co-regulation, helping both parent and child navigate intensity with compassion and humor. We also look at the role of movement before, during, and after heated moments—as well as the art of knowing when to walk away. This episode offers practical wisdom for growing your “calm muscle” and showing up as the safest person in the room.
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