It’s a great day to be an American, and a terrible day to be a Panican.
One week ago today was Liberation Day, where Trump dropped loads of tariffs on the world, and every subsequent day has been spent with people liberating themselves from whatever threads were left tethering themselves to sanity.
Donald Trump, who has been parroting his pro-tariff stance since the 1980’s, told those, told those who were losing their minds over the tariffs and market response to stop being Panicans.
We should all strive to live our lives free from being (or even engaging with) Panicans. Panicans told us to stay home indefinitely, stock up on toilet paper, and spray our groceries with bleach during COVID. Panicans told us the world would end in five years due to Global Warming. Panicans told us a poor little boy was flying away in a weather balloon.
But whether or not the Panicans are paying attention and making a scene, the markets go up and the markets go down. Stocks are a constant roller coaster and anyone taller than Robert Reich should throw up their hands and enjoy the ride.
Donald Trump passing the press while blocking his face from getting hit with another microphone.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders pretending not to own three homes with zero mortgages as he marches alongside Marxists targeting the rich.
President Trump on Air Force One describing how ‘one very lucky country’ will be excused from all tariffs if they find this Golden Ticket.
Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar recounting the time she ate a salad with a comb by simply spreading the prongs like a fork.
Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin, awkwardly adjusting his jacket in a desperate attempt drive attention to suit maker, JackVictor.com, as part of a new paid partnership deal.
Plotting his next fall, Senator Mitch McConnell slides briskly across the newly waxed floors, hoping to ‘accidentally’ find himself back in a wheelchair.
Navy Cadet stands at attention, ready with an answer this time, in case the President asks again whether his chains are made of 24K gold.
IsrealiPrime Minister sits quietly in the Oval Office, as President Trump describes how Amy Klobuchar taught him how to eat his lunch with a comb.
President Trump and PM Netanyahu excited to show off the new handshake they just made during their meeting.
Press Secretary Karoline Levitt asking journalists to raise their hand if they pretended not to know Joe Biden was senile for four years but now have a book coming out about it.
Senator Chuck Schumer, realizing that Nancy Pelosi was right when she warned it was a bad idea to hire a President Obama impersonator.
Addicted to the high of forcing people to listen to him speak for 25 hours straight, Senator Corey Booker hosts a town hall in NJ in which he brings members of the crowd up on stage and proceeds to roast them one by one.
NSC Director Mike Waltz heading off to work, forced to carry all of his contacts on paper now to guarantee he doesnt accidentally let another journalist’s contact info get “sucked into” his phone.
President Trump welcoming the LA Dodgers, shocked to see Shohei Ohtani’s interpreter managed to gamble enough money to ship him in from Japan despite the new 24% tariff.
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.