In my last and final (for the foreseeable future) session with my therapist, I told her that I was in a state of gratitude and acceptance and I’m trying to live in that.
Maybe I wanted to give her an optimistic view before her leave of absence.
Maybe, this was true in the moment.
Everything is not what I want it to be. I still have to schedule my life around obligation and duty, but I have a lot to be grateful for.
If we are being honest with ourselves, does being grateful mean that we’re happy?
Is the gratitude practice a way of bargaining with ourselves that we should be happy?
Is the gratitude practice leading us down the road of self-abandonment?
While in truth, we are grateful, AND we are also lonely, empty and depleted, like a walking, talking zombie trying to make it through the days and meet our responsibilities and expectations.
The day of my appointment with my therapist, I came down the stairs in the morning to an empty, quiet, house. The sun was streaming through the windows in the kitchen and living room. One of my orchids was blooming again. The house was clean, the coffee was made (thank you husband). The mortgage was paid. (As the great philosopher Chris Rock says, “Thanks for knocking out that rent Dad!”
I was overcome by gratitude in that moment. It made me feel warm inside.
No smile.
No tingle.
But warm.
I poured myself a cup of coffee made in my special way, with vanilla cream, a dollop of Cool Whip, and a little swirl of caramel on top.
I love, love, love, that first sip when the whip cream hits my lips just before the perfect, piping hot sip.
There’s no one at home to question, You use Cool Whip in your coffee? Yep! Sure do!
Diabetes runs in my family on my father’s side. Every time I make this cup of coffee in my special way, my inner critic says, “Girl, you gonna be in big trouble when you get that diagnosis.”
And then I do it again the next day.
It’s a simple pleasure! I bargain with myself.
I have so little that makes me smile. I deserve this!
Things that make me tingle inside:
Crawling into bed every night is my absolute favorite. (Absolutely, number 1 on the list!)
Crawling in bed followed by reading, Solitaire, sleeping, quiet, or maybe a Pat Metheny playlist
A glass of Dao or Whispering Angel rose’
Coffee, in my quiet house
Writing in my writing room
Celebrating small victories for my kids, while being simultaneously thrilled they’re adults, and I’m no longer responsible for them.
Salted caramel ice cream
Going to my neighborhood restaurant, sitting at the bar, alone, being served dinner and a cocktail, or a glass of Rose’ where all of the bartenders know my name, exactly how I like my drink, and give me the best service.
(Being served, after years of service, cooking, shopping, preparing meals for my family is a simple pleasure! I’m so over the whole, what’s-for-dinner thing!)
Of course, there are other things that make me smile. This list is the small, easily-accessible things that bring light to my everyday doldrums.
Hmm… I notice that on that list there is a lot of “alone”ness. I love aloneness because it’s peaceful. There are hardly any arguments!
After so many years of explosions, in our house, arguments, fights, refereeing, and keeping the lid on everybody else’s nervous system, while all of it was imploding inside my body.
(If you’re new here, I had two autistic, loud, unhappy, teens in my house, along with my mother who lived with us for 10 years!)
Yeah. Alone is good.
I have come to love aloneness, sometimes, I crave it. But that’s not who I truly am.
I am a social being. In high school and through my twenties, I was known as most social!
I love to be around people with whom I connect deeply, sharing laughter, and stimulating conversation.
I love to be in nature, near a body of water —a stream, lake, ocean, or a sea, mountains, and trees so tall, I can do nothing but wonder how long they’ve lived, and be in awe. You can’t be unhappy around trees. Impossible!
I love dining out with my husband, friends, and family, traveling, having game-night with our friends Annette and Bill, smoking a blunt and laughing our asses off on occasion.
There isn’t enough of the things that take my breath away in my everyday life The connections with people I love, who make me feel seen, heard, and loved. The experiences that will live in my heart always, moments of laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath, those are very few and far between.
So while I’m grateful for things in my life, I am not full.
The meal is bland.
It takes up space but doesn’t make my tastebuds dance.
I am not whole.
And I’m not quite sure of the path to get there.
How’s your gratitude practice going? Is it a bargain?
Thank you for being here, for seeing me, for reading my words. My goal is to make you feel less alone in the world. To get you to think about your life, and what makes you tingle. I hope that my essays are a smile in your day.
If these words touched you heart and made you think, please support my work. Pick up your journal and ask yourself some of the important questions.
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