Freedom

As America celebrates the 250th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, many of us are filled with a plethora of emotions.

This newsletter is international, and I recognize that it will be reaching some across the globe. From what I hear and feel, America is speaking loudly these days.

I've been learning to become willing to take responsibility for the knowing and healing that has come through me my entire life. I used to feel so confused by it. I wanted so much to be a normal child. Normal children didn't carry the weight and pain of others to the extent that they felt a depression and ache that did not have words. Normal children sat still in class and listened to the teacher. Normal children could sit and watch a show while their big brother moved the rabbit-ear antenna on the television to get better reception. 

Teachers were whispering about one another and their students in the faculty restrooms. I could hear them, but not with my physical ears. I heard them by feeling the knowing in my body. I felt happy when those around me were happy. I knew a fake smile from a mile away though. I cried when I heard sad stories, and my little sister would get mad at me for crying. Later she told me that my crying made her feel like she was not a caring person. My response was that she was simply a normal kid. I felt it all. 

I have a vivid memory of looking out the window in our childhood family room and seeing the most beautiful sheer, translucent and white jellyfish- like structures. My brother and sister were sitting on the orange velour couch. My best friend, Ali, was sitting on the floor in her perfectly ironed red- and- white strawberry patterned dress hugging her knees in to her chest, and I could see her perfect white frilly socks folded over the tops of her shiny red little shoes. I was sitting on the floor next to Ali. I wanted to be like her. Normal.

Out the window I saw what I now call angels. They were so beautiful. I remember thinking that it would be better if my brother moved the rabbit ears from the television to create an antenna  to the angels instead of "The Pink Panther Show." I knew better than to say something about the angels though. I had done that in Sunday School and the teacher kindly told me that I was using my imagination. That teacher, Reggie, just passed away, actually... my family still goes to the same church. Last I saw Reggie she reminded me of the profound questions I asked as a child. The thing is, I was a knower and a feeler. Not an easy way to be as a child. 

I have learned to stay on my side of the street. I used to want to rescue. That rescuing was not from the deep feeler as much as it was from the part of me that wanted to prove to myself that I had a place in the world. It was something I was good at. It was more than that too. I wanted to feel part of something greater than me. I longed for community.

We live in a society where we are supposed to stay in our own lane, and yet the main source of information is gathered externally.  I have learned the importance of stillness, unplugging and deep breathing.  I need connection and community as most of us do, and that takes listening and contemplation. I have learned to be a critical thinker- not an enabler. The answers are truly within.

So here it goes- we know history repeats itself. From the depths of my heart, I believe what our world is living in is a catalyst. History has shown us that after a conflict and/or divide, community is formed.

So many people are feeling lonely. I think the Hallmark channel will have some high ratings today. The July 4th BBQs and the potluck dinners where the dramatic moment becomes the catalyst for lasting love.

Yes. The thing is- we are IN the catalyst now. The community time is coming.

I see you as part of my community, and today I want to thank you.

You matter so much to me. I can’t do this alone either.

My deepest sense right now is that we have a choice. Each choice takes courage.

I send love. I send love because it is my medicine to send love, and because I care.

Love always,

Karena xo