I Am Not Chasing People Anymore. And My Nervous Has Never Been Happier.

I have a confession:

I used to chase people. And I loved it.

Actually, scratch that.

I didn’t love it. I was addicted to it. Or… my nervous system was.

When people hear the word “chasing,” they picture dramatic scenes, you know: double-texting, begging someone to stay, standing outside somebody’s house in the rain.

Sure. Those scenes do happen. But often chasing looks much more respectable, for example, you are the first one to reach out. You manage somebody’s emotional rollercoaster. You are the one who keeps conversations alive. You make excuses for their questionable behavior. You explain your boundaries seventeen different ways because maybe this time they will understand.

All of the above I consider chasing as well.

And the funniest thing is that we consider this behavior loving and admirable. After all, being compassionate and patient must be an expression of love, right?

But there is a difference between working through problems with someone...

and dragging a relationship uphill by yourself while the other person occasionally waves from the bottom.

And today I notice that difference.

I did not wake up one day and magically become unbothered. It took a lot of disappointment, self-reflection, and the humiliating realization I was putting in medal-worthy effort for people giving me bare minimum energy.

My thinking went along those lines: if I tried harder, people would stay.

If I showed up more. If I were more understanding. If I were more patient. If I gave more grace. You know the script.

I imprinted on my brain that proving my worth was the foundation of love. The oxygen behind it. But all I did was compete for roles in people’s lives that were never meant for me.

It felt like living inside a never-ending emotional episode of Grey’s Anatomy: dramatic conversations, one-sided effort, and hoping things would magically change if I showed people how much I cared.

Spoiler alert: they didn’t.

But I finally got one thing (thankfully):

If someone wants to be in your life, you won’t have to convince them.

You won’t have to chase replies, beg for plans. You won’t have to constantly question where you stand.

Healthy connections do not feel like cardio. They do not leave you exhausted. And they definitely do not require strategy.

They flow.

One of the most absurd things about relationships is that we think we are chasing people.

Most of the time, we are not.