Thoughts and Pictures

This morning I was on the road, listening to Forest Hanson’s Being Well podcast—this one about reparenting yourself into an emotionally mature person—and I realized I’m still often feeling down on myself for cycling back into pain. Typically, I tell myself that I’m not exercising enough, or eating healthy enough, or whatever my mind latched onto in that particular moment as the reason that I’ve caused myself to fail again. But I’ve been sincerely trying to practice radical acceptance of my capacity to do things without abandoning myself or telling myself I’m wrong to be the way I am.

I realized that although I say I’ve given up on wanting my old, destructive lifestyle back, I haven’t replaced those memories with a healthier vision, so I slip back into disappointment. My business coach said this week in group coaching that if you’re feeling like you’re behind or unable to catch up, you’ve got a number in mind and your reality isn’t matching that number. You’ve got to track down and replace that number with a number that allows you to have a lifestyle that supports you instead of harming you. I love my coach.

We were talking about KPI (Key Performance Indicators), and how they can be just about anything you have control over. I would like to have a consistent schedule in the studio, because that allows me to expend less energy on decision-making. If I do the thing at the time I scheduled it, then after a while, it’s a habit.

I want to draw a consistent number of pages every week so that I can actually finish one of these books I’m illustrating, but reality seems to pull me away. Each day is different in some way. Whether it’s my own capacity changing, or having to negotiate around a housemate’s abilities or schedule, so many of the things that pull me away from drawing are not mine to control.

My therapist told me today that unless someone teaches us how to honor our capacity, we aren’t likely to figure it out, because of our society’s productivity bias. Practically everyone is pushing themselves too hard. Noticing my mind shy away from finding a number that honors my capacity and that I control completely tells me I haven’t replaced the old workaholic vision of how I’m supposed to be. I want to, though.

I don’t have a great tip or a solution, but if you are an artist who’s trying to art and it’s not easy and flowy and fabulous, then I guess neither one of us is alone in it. Cheers!