on being a nobody

I never thought I'd be writing about doing acid, but here we are. In Oregon, staring at a lake with trees reflecting off its surface like some Bob Ross painting come to life, I had a revelation that would fundamentally change how I view myself and my place in the world. The funny thing about psychedelics is they don't give you new information - they just let you see what was already there, but from a different angle.

Growing up as the first son of the first son in an immigrant family, I carried expectations like rocks in a backpack. Each achievement added another stone:

• Get good grades

• Go to a prestigious university

• Land a high-paying job

• Take care of the family

• Make our sacrifices worth it

The weight kept growing. Even success felt like failure because there was always more to achieve, more to prove. I was constantly trying to be somebody - somebody worthy, somebody successful, somebody who justified all the sacrifices that came before me.

Then came the acid trip. I was wrestling with questions about my responsibilities - to my family, to my partner, to myself. The lake in front of me started rippling in impossible patterns, and suddenly everything went white.

In that moment, I saw what felt like God (though I'm still not sure what that means), and received a simple but profound message:

"Jason, you're trying so hard to be a somebody. Let me give you the feeling of being a nobody."

What followed was the most profound sensation of liberation I've ever experienced. The weight of being "somebody" - with all its expectations, responsibilities, and constant self-judgment - lifted. In its place was a lightness I'd never known before.

Being nobody isn't about becoming insignificant or giving up. It's about freedom from the constant pressure of performing roles. In Confucian thought, which shaped so much of my upbringing, we're defined by our roles and responsibilities:

• The filial son

• The successful professional

• The perfect partner

• The responsible brother

But what happens when you strip all that away? What remains?

!!! note "The Water Metaphor" Think of it like water in a river. We often believe there's a "me-shaped" hole in the world that we need to fill. But that's backwards. Like water, we flow into spaces and create the shape as we go. The divot doesn't exist before the water - the water's presence creates it.

Being nobody means:

1. Freedom to Experiment

   • No reputation to protect

   • No image to maintain

   • No expectations to meet

2. Permission to Play

   • Learning without pressure

   • Creating without judgment

   • Living without constant self-evaluation

3. Release from Proving

   • No need to justify your existence

   • No constant scorekeeping

   • No endless comparisons

4. Space to Simply Be

   • Breathing without performing

   • Existing without achieving

   • Being without becoming

Here's the beautiful paradox: when you stop trying to be somebody, you're free to do anything. Purpose and meaning aren't predetermined - they're created through action and engagement with life.

It's like what I learned in pottery class. I used to get frustrated trying to make perfect cups, focusing on the outcome. My teacher told me to stop counting cups and start counting bags of clay instead. The process, not the product, was what mattered.

Now, when I approach new situations, I remind myself that the feeling of being nobody is just as valuable as feeling like somebody. Sometimes more so. It allows me to:

• Try new things without fear of looking foolish

• Learn without the pressure of mastery

• Connect with others without pretense

• Create without the burden of greatness

This revelation fundamentally changed how I approach everything - work, relationships, personal growth. Instead of trying to be somebody specific, I focus on flowing naturally into whatever space I find myself in.

When I lost the use of my hands due to RSI, this understanding became crucial. Unable to work, unable to create, unable to be "productive" - all the traditional markers of being "somebody" were stripped away. But in that nobodyness, I found new ways to be, new ways to contribute, new ways to exist.

The freedom of nobodyness isn't about giving up or dropping out - it's about releasing the crushing pressure of constantly trying to be somebody. In that release, we often find we can accomplish more than we ever could while straining under the weight of our projected identity.

Remember: You don't have to be somebody to do something meaningful. Sometimes, being nobody is the greatest freedom of all.

I still struggle with this. The old programming runs deep. But now, when I feel the weight of expectations crushing me, I remember that lake in Oregon, and the profound relief of being nobody. It's not about reaching some final state of enlightenment - it's about having permission to exist without justification.