The Ego and Self-Centered Fear

“Because our surface record hasn’t looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is simply because we have buried these selfsame defects deep down in us under thick layers of self-justification. Those were the defects that finally ambushed us into alcoholism and misery.”

-As Bill Sees It p. 258

Whenever I read A.A. literature, at first it seems like Bill and other writers are speaking to the newcomer. When I first read the above reading I made this assumption. But then I backed up a minute and looked at my sobriety today. How are my own character defects, ones that are just below the horizon and out of my current view, affecting my life in sobriety right now? Because I have chosen to live in recovery. If I am just going to live off the step work from when I was new, I am going to miss a better sobriety that God has ready to give me today.

Everything we read that applies to the newcomer also applies to the person with time. How are my own defects ambushing me today? I may not be drinking, but alcoholism is alive and well in my life. Alcoholism is based on my constant focus on self. It’s what my friend Jamie calls the “I, Me, My shuffle”. I may not be much, but I am all I think about. That self-centeredness is the root, the taproot, of alcoholism. We can be quite alcoholic without ever again picking up that drink.

For me, it was self-centered fear that got me two days ago. Self-centered fear is that extra special fear that is based on me, me, me. My ego had convinced me that I was not smart enough to create a Kindle edition of the book I published in November titled Practicing These Principles. Nope! Once I saw the requirements of the TOC (Table of Contents), I thought back then, this is just too hard, so FUCK IT! How many times in my life have I had this same attitude? If it seems too hard, I don’t even want to try. The crazy thing is that I tell myself I am making a choice. But what is really happening under the surface is that I am being driven by fear: fear of not being good enough, fear of being stupid, fear of being found out as a bad writer. The fear that somehow I will “look bad”, driven by my incredible ego, consumes me. Because, yes, it is all about me. No where in this thinking was the thought of others. When I published my first book in 2021, I immediately published the Kindle book. And yes, there were formatting issues and still are. But I was much more humble about this experience, because it was my first effort at publishing. I wasn’t as hard on myself as I am now about everything being and looking perfect.

I knew that with the new book that I wanted to publish a table of contents. This was something I regretted with the first book. After all, all of my daily readers have this table of contents sorted by date and I wanted mine to look nice and be this organized as well. However, I never knew about the TOC until after I had published. But I knew for the second book that this is what I wanted. But when I saw the work it was going to take, I threw the fuck-it switch and gave up. I gave up on myself. This is a character defect. It is not just sloth—it goes much deeper than this. It is inadequacy. It is how I feel about myself at my core, which is just not good enough. This defect has affected me my entire life—at work, in family, and especially in special love relationships. Jamey, you are just not good enough, my ego whispers to me over and over. So, therefore, don’t try.

Just how many times have you decided not to do something because it just seemed like a pain in the ass? Is it possible there is something more going on just beneath the surface? Is your ego lying to you just as mine was to me? Life is a risk. Taking a chance on myself as a writer has always felt very risky to me. However, the pride and incredible connection I feel to God every time I write is incredible. It’s God showing me quite directly that I am worthy—I am capable. I am good enough.

When I made the decision early Thursday morning to go ahead and try to create the e-book, yes, I had frustration. I had to figure things out. It took hours. But then when I did, I felt incredibly smart and accomplished. I had procrastinated 8 months out of self-centered fear and was able to accomplish creating the Kindle edition in a few hours. Such a reminder of just how wrong my ego is. If I take a chance on me, incredible things are revealed. God reveals who we really are.

Dear Readers- Thank you so much for your constant support! The Kindle edition of Practicing These Principles is $10.99 or free today only, Saturday, July 25! Get your free copy today! And if you miss this promotion and just don’t have the money to purchase the book, there will be more promotions coming up: the next one in August. Just keep reading Ask Anonymous and I will let you know!

Practicing These Principles Kindle

Also, Kindle Unlimited is not required to get your free book today. You will see under the Kindle Unlimited tab that it states “To Purchase” and the price is $0.00. Choose that and you don’t need to sign up for Kindle Unlimited. I hope you can dive into this book and really begin to understand the principles we live by in the program. Thanks again! -Jamey M.