it's so confusing sometimes to be a girl

When the album by Charli, named “Brat,” came out, I didn’t get the chance to ride its hype. It actually died down when I listened to the full album, especially the version that features different artists per song (Brat and it’s completely different but also still brat). Not to be dramatic, but almost all of the songs were on my playlist for a while, but this specific song has touched a part of me in a way I didn’t know existed.

It was the song, “girl, so confusing” and at first, I didn’t know that their collaboration was huge until I searched about what happened to them. In their career, they were always compared by fans and the whole music industry. However, if you listen to this song specifically, I think you’ll get to know the reason why them, singing together, broke the internet.

And then it hit me, Charli and Lorde were right.

It is indeed confusing to be a girl sometimes.

When I read the lyrics, I kind of resonate with it as a woman. To call girlhood beautiful is underpowered; there has to be a more specific, royal, incredible way to describe it. No words could express how much I adore my fellow women as if paintings and poetry are not enough — the world needs to see this bond as raw as possible.

But sometimes, it gets me very confused to live like one.

What do you mean that society wants to play with the way we look? That it would blame our menstruation for the rage we throw when it was bottled up for years? How were tears labeled as our strength when we all know where real strength comes from? What do you mean that we couldn’t escape its judgments when it comes to our body, be it skinny or not?

If we, as women, try our best to be great at a male-dominated field, we still don’t get the honor of doing so. Then, if another fellow woman sits beside you with the same talent as yours, you’ll be pit against each other instead of being a team.

When I was in grade school, I would stuff myself with food because in my mind, that’s what I was supposed to do. A normal kid who enjoyed her meals until I grew bigger, and their eyes weren’t that kind anymore. I tried to starve myself; it didn’t work. I tried to avoid the people who called me names, and yes, it also didn’t work.

High school came, and there were a lot of changes compared to being a grade schooler. More responsibilities, more goals, fewer friends, less sleep, and less time to eat. When it felt like losing weight was a natural thing to happen in my body, I honestly felt like I was God’s favorite. Finally, I’ll be able to escape those eyes, those words, and those laughs that mock me. Or I thought so. They still have a lot to say; they still have the disgust displayed in their eyes.

That’s when I knew that I wouldn’t be enough for them, but I could be enough for myself.

Nevertheless, it gets extremely thrilling sometimes, too. One moment I was bawling my eyes out while listening to my old favorite song. Yet a minute later, when the playlist decided to play a banger I used to crash myself out to, then it’s all good. I’ll be having a moment of losing myself, but people wouldn’t have to worry because I always come back. Funnier than ever, more trauma to turn into humor.

I wonder how great it would be to tell these young girls who admired my poetry that they shouldn’t be envious. They possess beauty, grace, and confidence that I don’t have. They adore my words, but I adore all of them. These poems and essays are made because of the feelings I wish to share. In reality, all I want is for it to be a conversation. Yet, I stutter, my palms get wet, and in the end, I always forget how to speak.

I forgot that behind this pen name is a young girl who longs to understand and figure herself out even when she was a mere grade schooler.

In the end, it wasn’t her who needed the understanding. Perhaps the world needs to understand women more.

I am Cloud and I write personal essays, poems, and reflections about life in general. This piece is published under a section named “Cirrus” under my publication, “To all the words I couldn’t utter,” This section explores girlhood — light, fleeting moments of innocence, growth, and the beginnings of becoming.