My mother in law is here in California, and that gives me an opportunity to witness my wife in a completely different relationship dynamic from the one I’m used to.
Family dynamics are so interesting to me, because they’re the most complex and nuanced (and contradictory... To borrow my friend Lisa Michelle’s words from today morning). Watching her interact with her mom reminds me a lot about my relationship with my mom.
I suspect my mom had an undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. That coupled with me being the youngest of the family and a boy in a Korean household, it made my relationship with my mom pretty particular.
But now that I say that out loud, is there a relationship that’s not particular? Hmm.
Anyhow, my entire personality and how I think about things, what I consider right and good, all of these were shaped by my mom. The most difficult thing for me as a child was to be a bad son.
I have an allergic reaction to being a bad son and that later generalized to I have an allergic reaction to being a bad anything. A bad coworker, a bad husband, a bad teammate, in other words... I became a people pleaser.
There’s a Korean term for being criticized, and it’s called 욕먹는다. Literally translates to eating curse / swear. I just could not stand sitting down and just eating criticism.
When relationships are cordial and on the surface level there isn’t really a reason to eat criticism. When relationships are deeper people would likely criticize you behind your back. Ironically it’s when relationships are deepest you would sometimes have to eat criticism.
And I just could not get myself to do that.
So I mean, what the heck do I do? I keep on defending myself and making justifications on how I’m not deserving of criticism. In case you didn’t know, this tends to make the other person even angrier. So I keep adding fire to the flame I want to extinguish in the first place.
One of the teachings that’s so emphasized in my Buddhist order is to learn how to eat criticism. So my friend, you know how theoretically you know everyone thinks differently from you? But when someone starts criticizing you it’s so difficult to sit there and take criticism as a difference of opinion.
Because it feels like a personal attack, and that short circuits all thinking modules of the brain and goes directly to your heart.
Through removing layers of what I thought was me, understanding how the mind works, seeing things from other peoples’ perspectives, and most importantly developing a deeper insight into myself, I’m at the point where I can casually eat criticism.
One might think that this ability can instantly end fights or arguments. But actually it does nothing to help end fights or arguments. Perhaps that’s the entire point though. It just doesn’t let what would have been a fight, be a fight. It doesn’t let what would have been an argument become an argument.
It just lets the other person’s expression of their frustration, be.
In the Diamond Sutra Subhuti asks the Buddha: How can a person intent on living a righteous life get their frikking heart to align with their head? The Buddha advises Subhuti to go save the entire world from frustration and expect nothing in return.
You may not be interested in Buddhahood or a righteous life. But simply letting a person be, it can be the kindest gesture someone receives in that day.
My hope is that the next time you’re criticized unfairly, try eating the criticism. Let them be in their self-expression.
To understand today’s writing deeper, I invite you to the following experiences.
🪞 Curious what your reactions reveal about you? The Reaction Mirror shows you the pattern behind how you respond to people in 10 real-life scenarios. It takes about 3 minutes and might surprise you. Take the Reaction Mirror →
📖 Where did your reaction to criticism start? Most of us learned how to handle (or not handle) criticism from the very first people who criticized us. I wrote about why those patterns run so deep (and why it’s not your parents’ fault). Read: Mommy / Daddy Issues →
And finally:
🪷 May You Offer 2026 is open for public registration. Make 108 offers for your business throughout the month of May, with the help of ethical and responsible AI usage. Learn more about May You Offer →
📚 This essay now lives in a searchable library of 450+ writings, organized by theme.
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.