And while we are talking about shame (and grief)

…whilst I was talking about shame last week, shame at being a single parent.

There is also the shame at being sad about my last child leaving.

There is such a narrative about ‘how exciting’, ‘you must be proud’, ‘you’ve done such a good job’ etc. And yes, yes, yes all that.

but really, can’t I just be sad. Can’t I tell you how grief stricken I am that these people who I have loved for longer and more strongly than anyone ever, have left home to never or rarely return? Would it be OK if I could just sob and you could get that and not try to make it all exciting and OK?

Because it wouldn’t be OK if someone had died, or got ill, or gone missing so why is it OK to gild the grief of a child leaving home?

When I’m feeling particularly pissed off with the gilding I wonder if it is because it is often the women who feel the loss most strongly, (or maybe just in the families I know), and women and their emotions have long been minimised, pathologised, dismissed as hysterical and medicated into obedience.

Also, we are culturally shit at grief aren’t we, never knowing what to do or say. Stiff upper lip and all that. 2 days off work and then back to it unless you phone in sick.

And grief being in the DSM (diagnostic and statistical manual for mental health) in the latest addition as if it were an illness rather than a natural response to a loss.

So please take the grief of a child leaving home seriously. It is a grief for both in different ways so let’s not get trapped in oooo how exciting (which it is as well) but allow space for the sobbing.