Mud pies in a slum, McDonald's at the White House, and the poverty of tables 'for men only'

There were a couple video clips that went viral a few weeks ago, and I’ve been thinking about them ever since. You may have seen them: the U.S. men’s and women’s hockey teams, both winners of Olympic gold, but having very different meals.

The men are eating lunch at the White House, but their meal doesn’t quite match their surroundings. Hamburgers are stacked on the table, and we see the men unwrapping them and squirting little packets of ketchup onto them. They have plastic bottles of water, and not enough chairs to go around — some team members have to eat standing up.

Meanwhile, a video of the women’s team shows them seated at an elegant Italian restaurant, enjoying glasses of wine with actor Stanley Tucci, who is treating them to some of his favorite dishes. The camera lingers on the food, a Milanese feast with saffron risotto and glasses of Chianti.

These clips went viral after President Trump invited the men’s team to attend the State of the Union address and have lunch at the White House. During their locker room phone conversation he also said this: “And we have to, I must tell you, we’re gonna have to bring the women’s team, you do know that … [or else] I do believe I probably would be impeached.”

Trump’s comment — and the men’s laughter in response — sparked outrage online. Later, as pictures and videos of the two meals began to circulate, commenters pointed out how much better the women’s experience had been. Italian cuisine vs. cold burgers: perhaps the men now regretted their choice? Maybe they wished they hadn’t accepted an invitation that dismissed their female counterparts.1

I’m not so sure.

I’m very familiar with places where only men are invited to the table. Most churches I’ve attended had all-male leadership. Women were not allowed into the rooms where decisions were made, in accordance with the doctrine called complementarianism — a belief that God made men to lead and women to submit.

Like the women’s hockey team, I was occasionally invited into those male-led spaces. But I understood I wasn’t especially wanted there, and shouldn’t assume an equal position to the men. For instance: some women were allowed to sit with the male elder board as they discussed church issues, and we could even share our opinions. But when it came time to vote, only the men’s voices counted. Ultimately, the leadership table was for men only.

Whether it’s the president or the lead pastor, men want to be invited to these male-only spaces because that’s where the power is.

Which is why drinking from plastic water bottles didn’t really matter for the men’s hockey team. What was on the table didn’t matter as much as where the table was, and what it said about them. The burgers weren’t the point.

And in the videos and photos from that day, the men all look like they’re having a good time — no one seems to be disappointed, comparing their lunch to what the women had. It was only those of us on the outside who noticed what was missing.

Who wants to scarf down a burger when you could have savored a gourmet meal instead? Who wants lukewarm water instead of the finest Italian wines?

Most of us, as it turns out. In fact, this is the problem C.S. Lewis highlights in his famous essay “The Weight of Glory,” in which he discusses the role of desire in the Christian life, including our inability to understand or desire the very great rewards God has promised us:

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are halfhearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

There are many kinds of “mud pies” in our world, of course, but tables reserved for men only are a sad and very common one.

Mud pies are easy to make. You can put them together just about anywhere, and they can provide a type of satisfaction for those willing to get their hands dirty. And if you find a spot with especially good mud, it’ll be small enough that you and a few friends can keep it to yourselves, defending it from any unwelcome others.

Like kids in a puddle, some men can guard their “male only” spaces jealously, determined to hold onto the pleasure and power they’ve scraped together.

In this case, the mud pies were burgers piled on a table — a table from which half of the U.S. hockey gold medalists had been excluded. It was a fast food lunch, not a feast, but the men involved were “far too easily pleased.” They were content, it seems, to hold onto an exclusive position of power, to the suggestion that men are better, more important, to a belief that sharing space with women would somehow leave less for them.

And in so many churches, the same dynamics are at play. Male leaders believe that God has only invited men to his table, so they tape a “no girls allowed” sign on their door and sit down to the equivalent of cold burgers and ketchup packets. And these closed-off spaces easily become incubators for many of the problems we see across the evangelical church today: “bro” culture and competitive power plays, narcissism, abuse of all kinds.

It seems they cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at the sea. They can’t imagine a wider, freer space. Just as the seashore is far wilder than a mud puddle, including women would involve a loss of control and predictability. But many men can’t yet imagine how much more potential for joy and delight might exist outside the spaces marked “qualified men only.”

The greatest happiness in life usually comes in places of risk rather than comfort, at times when we release control and attempt something difficult. But all too often, instead of surrendering to the ocean’s wind and waves, we choose the puddle. After all, the mud stays where we put it.

Can we develop an imagination for something better in our churches?

Just as the pictures from the men’s team at the White House illustrated the problem of gender segregation, the lovely scene with the women’s hockey team can help us envision what could be created in spaces of mutuality.

When women and men are both welcome at the table, the experience will be different. There will be less conformity, fewer superficial similarities. But how much more might the church experience health, flourishing, and beauty? After all, the body of Christ is meant to display his glory as diverse parts unite in harmony.

Instead of scarfing down fast food, we could be sitting down together to enjoy a feast. Instead of doing what’s cheap and convenient — remaining separated by “gender roles” — we could spend time in each other’s company, learning to work together, receiving the good gifts of the Spirit to the church. We could be sharing a feast, a holiday by the sea.

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