People I Worry Aren't Enjoying the Garden of Earthly Delights as Much as They Expected.

In Hieronymus Bosch’s famous triptych ‘The Garden of Earthly Delights’, the left-hand panel shows the Garden of Eden, all peaceful and holy, with Adam and Eve getting a sneak preview of Jesus, while nearby a duck reads a book. The right-hand panel shows the torments of Hell, where naturally things are rather more lively. Fair enough: Hell is hell; don’t do the crime if you can’t take an eternity of demons blowing swifts out of your bottom.

But the central panel, the Garden of Earthly Delights itself, shows humans revelling in pleasure and sin at the price of their immortal souls, and thereby moving smoothly from column A to column C. And… I don’t know. I just hope they’re having fun.

“Yes, it IS big, isn’t it? Delightfully big! Almost… too big to properly enjoy. What with the skin as thick as melon rind, and the toothpick-like bristles that dig into you as you- But still! Headline is: Very big strawberry! Mmm!”

“Ta-da! I’ve been given an owl! Yeah! A giant owl! Just like I always fantasised about, probably! I’ve got him all to myself, and, I think basically I can do whatever I like with him! Assuming he’s into it too, of course. It’s not… totally clear what he is into yet. He seems to like swimming. Or at least, standing in water, staring at the spiky thing. So, we’ll be doing that for a few more weeks, I think. Delightful!”

“No, I am in the mood. Of course I’m in the mood, it’s the Garden of Earthly Delights, how could I not be in the mood?! Though… I was almost more in the mood before we got into the giant mussel shell, if that doesn’t sound crazy. I don’t know, maybe it’s the smell, maybe it’s the sharp edges, maybe it’s… whatever those little bubble things are getting up to, quite distractingly. But no, no, you’re quite right. It would hardly be worth our immortal souls if was just... normal, in a bed. That would be rubbish.”

“Hey! Hope you two crazy kids are enjoying yourself in there! Because, just to let you know: I am too, definitely! Very much delighted by this kind of... carrying task, that I’ve been lucky enough to snag. That said… do you know how much longer you’re going to be, because I think putting you down again might also be pretty delightful...”

“Day 612 of staring at a jerboa through a short glass tube. My Delight Facilitator assures me that that this is one of those cumulative sorts of delight, and that when it finally begins to hit, it will carry me away on unimaginable waves of euphoria. So. I continue to look forward to that. The small patch of mange on the jerboa’s near flank seems a little better today. Otherwise, the jerboa remains unchanged.”

“This is the life, eh boys? This is the life.”

Further delights await Spendy Squadron after:

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Here’s a ridiculous thing: In Oxford, on Saturday the 21st March, Mick Herron will be talking to me about my illustrious career in crime fiction. That's correct: Mick Herron, the Gold and Diamond Dagger award winning author of the Slow Horses and Zoë Boehm books, will be interviewing me, the author of one puzzle thing that has some murders in it. So, a big day for Mick, I would imagine. Like that time Richard Nixon interviewed David Frost.

(Mick has suggested that maybe we could also talk about some of the other things I’ve written. I have graciously agreed, on condition that on no account do we talk about any of his drek. Seriously though, I think it’ll be really good fun, and also it’s in the Sheldonian Theatre, so, swit swoo.)

For tickets, click here.

We now return you (if you’re in Spendy Squadron, or feel like squandering your immortal £6 on joining up) to visions of hedonistic pleasure-seeking beyond your wildest dreams, such as what if you were fed a berry by a duck.

Love,

The Airport