I love being in control. Naturally, trying to conceive is a process that is rather out of my control. So this process is definitely not fun for me.
Can you remember it? That fear that has been created when you are a teenager. You don´t want to get pregnant as a kid. Of course not. Safer sex is all that counts because it can happen so easily. All good. While children are educated on the negatives of sexual intercourse there is no education on how the body and the reproductive system really works.
Little did I know that the chance to get pregnant is only about 15% every month.
Little did I know that you can only get pregnant on one day a month.
And little did I know about all the tiny but many things that have an influence on this.
I took this not-knowledge with me until we were ready to start trying. The only thing I really knew was that it will happen IMMEDIATELY if you don´t watch out. So we stopped watching out. I never expected that it would take us two years to actually get there. And while I know now that two years is quite average, it was a frustrating ride.
When I finally held that first “big fat positive” in my hand I knew that it was meant to be this way. My little sister had just had her BFP 6 weeks earlier (after one round of not even really trying, btw). We would be pregnant together and we would be experiencing those early stages of motherhood together, too. It was this huge gift that would bring my sister and me even closer together. It was and still is amazing. Since I have always had a knack for spirituality I understood right then and there that this is how it was supposed to go.
After giving birth to Skye, I was sure that I would never want to go for a second one. Just because the birth itself was so shocking to me. Looking at the facts, it was a very normal birthing experience and I did not experience it as traumatic at all. There was just a significant mismatch in my expectations vs. what reality looked like. During my pregnancy I went down this beautiful holistic, pain free birthing experience rabbit hole and was convinced that I, too would be able to have a pain free birth.
Oh my, I have never experienced something as painful in my life. As a result I was so disappointed and angry at all those women telling me about their pain free birth. Jeeez, I unfollowed every one of them on Instagram.
Truth be told, when I wrote down how my labour went a week after giving birth, I could already feel how some of that anger had settled down. The day my period came back 11 months after giving birth, I knew for sure: we will go for a second child one day. I guess this is where the beauty of mother nature comes in. She is playing tricks with my mind.
Next to the beautiful aspect of being pregnant together with my sister Katharina, this 2 year wait was rich of beautiful experiences. While googling symptoms every single months, I learned so much. A striking finding was that I would always find someone that had the exact same symptom and was pregnant. And you will always find someone that had the exact symptom and was not pregnant. You can goole “painful feet pregnant?” and find many women that experienced painful feet in the first week of pregancy. Replace “feet” with any other word of your liking and you´ll be amazed of what you can find. Literally everything is a symptom for pregnancy. Jokes aside, I´ve never been more in touch with my body since then and it is a beautful experience to know your body so well.
Now 2,5 years later here we are. Trying for a second one. And it´s not today that we started the process. To be honest, we never really started the process but somewhere in the beginning of spring last year we thought, “you know what, let´s see what happens”. It was a very healing experience that only one month after I was already pregnant. We were a little shocked, too, because we did not see that one coming. But it was oh so welcome.
Just to find out 4 weeks later that this pregnancy would be ending in a miscarriage. The scan at 8 weeks showed a pregnancy that´s more likely to be around 5-6 weeks. I knew immediately that it´s not good. I actually knew around 5 weeks already when I had this weird thought coming out of nowhere saying “You will never meet this child, anyways”. I did not stop at the thought then, because I did not want to manifest this but it was already done. As said, I have a knack for spirituality.
Apart from the grief that goes with such a loss it was devastating to me that we had to continue trying. And that there is this road ahead of us with no clear end in sight. Looking back, I did not really enjoy the time trying for Skye. Every month you get this really obvious red flag telling you that it did not happen. It´s really hard to let go if you get this reminder all the time. You cannot NOT think about it. Everyone who is in the same boat knows. And the two-week-wait, it´s literally heaven and hell at the same time. The wait is terrible but then there are so many hopeful signs that this month could be the month. I am telling you, every single month that I am trying I am 100% SURE that I am pregnant. Here I am again, googling symptoms. Interesting: I am still learning new things. Luckily for my bank account, I am not an early tester. I think a quote from Seth Godin made me realize that it´s extremely useless to test early. The quote was something along the lines of “why spend money to know the truth early, when you can just wait for the truth to reveal itself for free”.
In the meantime, the due date of our 2023 baby, has passed. We are 10 months further. 8 of those 10 months, I´d told myself that I would be okay with the idea to not have a second child if that´s how it´s going to be. Only to realize that every months I would be obsessing over every tiny signal during that 2WW. Again. Hello, Reality Check!
Apparently I want this more than I know. Yet, I also understood that it is more than a second child that I am longing for. I want to go through the whole process, I want to feel all the feels. I want to know that my body is in a good condition. Not just to get pregnant but to lead a healthy life. If you would hand me a baby now I would probably decline. That´s not it. It´s a holistic experience of understanding my body, trying to understand its signals and how my overall health is going for me. That´s also why I would not consider other measures to get pregnant. And I am really fine with the thought of not having a second child when I know that my body is in great condition. Bottom line.
When I look at the time of the miscarriage and the pre-conception phase I know I did not lead the most healthy lifestyle. I had just met a new friend a couple of months earlier and we were bonding over things that are not ideal when trying to conceive. While this friendship was very valuable for me on a lot of levels it did not do well for my body.
So, Eric (my husband) and I, finally decided to invest in a health coach focusing on fertility. This investment feels like a commitment to me. A commitment to prioritizing my life. My health. My family. I am way past the “let it go and it will happen” and I am not stressed about this at all. The opposite is true, while making this an important part of my life I feel more relaxed than ever. Actually, I feel back in control about this part of my life without wanting to control the outcome. I might finally understand what they mean in business lingo when they say: “you have to be in love with the process, not the outcome.“
I start to wonder why it is ok to obsess over your career like this, do everything you can to get better at your job, do courses, get a business coach, develop yourself and why it is frowned upon to do the same for your body.
While I am writing this I am waiting for our second call with Maxime, our health coach. We have been working together for a month now and I am in love with our new lifestyle already. One thing that I found particularily interesting is that while I believed we are already living quite a healthy lifestyle there are still many things to tweak when it comes to our reproductive health. It´s literally in the details.
So what am I doing differently now?
We started with a blood check. Understanding the status quo is the precondition to take the right steps forward. Turns out, both Eric and I do lack some essential vitamins and minerals. Did you know that there is a difference between what is considered normal and what is optimal for good health? Your GP will tell you everything is fine because everything is in the range of normal but that does not mean that it is ideal.
So while our results are quite “normal” overall, there are areas where we can improve for an ideal outcome. And while it is essential to eat a healthy diet full of vegetables, sources of healthy fats and so on, it is a fact that our soil is depleted and that it is hardly impossible to get all the nutritions you need from the food we eat. Put a 99% vegetarian diet on top and you have your work cut out for you.
We´ll be putting out an order for some supplements, soon. I am talking fish oil, magnesium, Q10, D3 and a couple of other things.
Again, you have to love the process because it is a whole science. Brand and dosage are as relevant as the supplement, so we are also being advised on that. It is also relevant when to take them. It´s not like you can take all of them at the same time and you´re done. Some go before breakfast, some after breakfast. Some at dinner, some definitely not at dinner. Some 4x a day while others 3x a week. If I hear you thinking: RED FLAG, YOU ARE OBSESSING OVER THIS. I am and it is a new hobby for me. I am learning so much, not only for myself. In my profession as a Doula this knowledge is gold, so let me rephrase: I am working on my career. Obesessing over your career is socially accepted, right?
I started tracking my BBT (short for basal body temperature). Changes in temperature throughout the months can indicate the day of ovulation and measured over time it allows you to recognize patterns and learn about your cycle health. Google this if you want to learn more about it. Also this, a whole process to get it right. I am actually quite happy that I found something that takes my mind off what I feel in my body. Word of caution: If you have trouble connecting with your body then this might not be the way for you. I think it´s important to use this as an additional insight but not a way to avoid feeling your feelings.
Last but not least, I started “Seed Cycling”. Depending on the phase of my cycle I am eating different seeds. The first 14 days it´s flaxseeds and pumpkin seeds. In the second 14 days it´s sesame and sunflower seeds. A table spoon of each mixed in a yoghurt or smoothie and you are good to go. I definitely prefer the second part of the cycle, also because it is less labour intensive (you have to grind the flaxseeds fresh for optimal result).
Follicular phase (days 1-14): I eat 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and pumpkin seeds daily to support estrogen production.
Luteal phase (days 15-28): I eat 1 tablespoon of ground sesame seeds and sunflower seeds daily to regulate estrogen balance and stimulate progesterone production.
I just read up on it to get my facts right and apparently you´ll also need to grind the sesame seeds for the best results. I am guessing it´s because the seeds are so small that it is easy to swallow them whole. Having that said, both phases are as labour intenstive ;-). It is super yummy, so definitely not a burden.
Did I just say last but not least… it´s hilarious, with all those tasks you might forgot that one essential thing that is important on this journey: making love to your partner. To get that part right is a whole other science. Every source says something different, so this one is definitely one to let your gut decide about. Just make sure to not let it slip off your to do list. I am almost 100% sure that this is also just great for overall health, even when you are not TTC.
Thanks for staying with me to the end. Writing down parts of my journey helps me to process my feelings and I hope that as a side effect I can inspire you, wherever you might be on your personal journey.
If there is something you want to share, reply to this post or leave a comment below.
It´s an honor for me to hear from you.
Love, Johanna
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