Who Are You

It was late October, 2013. I was about to have my first child. At the time, we were operating my family’s wedding venue. I had no real plan for a maternity leave other than to be out for the actual delivery and hospital stay and then I would be on stand by depending on my physical limitations (I was working again 2 weeks later). Our line of work required a a lot from us both mentally and physically in order to host and execute our client’s wedding and reception. I was lucky to have wonderful support from my family and a few friends who I could call on to step in my place when I was physically unable to do the work. My brain wasn’t giving birth and my fingers could still type, so THANK GOODNESS I could still keep our business running while answering emails and even sending contracts. In fact I booked a wedding, sent, and signed a contract while in my hospital bed. It all felt like a badge of honor at the time. I could prove that giving birth and having a new baby wouldn’t hinder my ability to work. Obviously, I was experiencing a life-altering physical transformation. I wasn’t fully aware of the identity and psychological transformation taking place. I thought I would just go back to my life with a new baby in tow. Same me, same husband, new baby. A family. I completely bypassed the nurturing and development of my new identity. Everything about me was new and I didn’t even know it. But going back to my old self felt like the right thing to do even though it was like forcing a square peg in a round hole. I thought I was expected to go back like nothing had happened. It’s so confusing when you are praised for how quick you can “bounce back” when there’s no real going back at all. Praise for how quick you can wear your pre-pregnancy clothes, praise for how quick you can return to work, praise for how fast you can heal.

I love the article, The Birth of a Mother which explains the idea of matrescence, the physical, emotional, hormonal, and social transition into becoming a mother. I very much also want to shout that this is not just happening to the birthing parent. This great transformation is also happening in the partner.

Writing is how I make sense of what is happening to me and around me. I will leave you with this

With Gratitude,

Joanna