No, You're Not Failing

I went into my room, shut the door, sat on the floor, and started to cry. I said to myself over and over,

I can’t do it

I’m failing everything and everyone

There’s not enough of me to do it all

These moments are sobering. They are a breaking point when everything falls out of balance. These moments bring up our worst fears and darkest thoughts about ourselves. As parents, we believe the expectation is this perfectly balanced life. That we can somehow be a good and engaged parent, great at our job, great at maintaining a spotless home, feeding everyone, maintaining friendships, and the list goes on and on. We see these examples or templates from our childhood memories and social media to name a few.

If you look at how balance is achieved and maintained in our bodies, we can better understand how balance can be achieved and maintained in other areas of our life. You’ve got your inner ear which senses your head motion, your somatic senses which is your touch or tactile perception (feeling the ground beneath you), and your vision which scans the obstacles around you. Your brain computes the information and makes a plan to keep you stable. Balance is highly complex and dynamic. I may have been able to stick my Warrior 3 pose yesterday, but today I had I was wobbly and had to put my foot down for support.

We know balance isn’t a one and done achievement. We know balance is a complex system that requires different parts of of body to work together. We also know that to have a greater chance at success, we must practice. If we take away balance as a one time achievement and look at it as a dynamic state how does this make you feel about finding balance as a parent or a working parent? If we approach it each day as an opportunity to gather information, see where we feel strong, or where we need help, it allows us to not view ourselves as failing. Some days you are going to be able to stick that Warrior 3 and hold it unwavering and strong. Some days, you’re going to need to keep your foot on the ground to prevent you from falling over. The more you practice meeting yourself honestly and authentically, the stronger your balance will be. The commitment is in showing up honestly, gathering your information, and do whatever necessary to not fall over. Putting your “foot on the ground for support” might mean the McDonald’s drive through for dinner or skipping bath time and re-framing your view of success. Give yourself the supports when you need them and take failure out of your practice.

Unfortunately there’s no template for creating a balanced life. You can try it and it may work for a little while, but eventually the breaking point happens and so does the burn out. Your balance can only be achieved from a clear, honest, and authentic way. No one can tell you or your family how to do it. Everyone is working with a different set of assets and liabilities. You are going to need different supports and that is going to change and fluctuate from day to day. If you think you will be able to sustain work, quality family time, self care, house stuff, and friend maintenance every day, you can’t. Approach each day with honesty and meet yourself where you are at. Something I started doing recently that has shifted my mentality is releasing the word should. I didn’t realize how much shame and distorted reality lived in that word for me. Every time I used the word, it brought me to the ways I was falling short for myself and my family. The ways I was wrong. The ways I couldn’t compare to all the things I should be doing or should be. When I released that word, I was finally able to write my own story. I felt instantly free. Each day I can chose me and my family without a blueprint and without anyone’s expectation. No shame or disappointment. I HIGHLY recommend taking a look at this word for yourself and how it impacts you and the choices you make for yourself or if you use this word to judge others.

In Amy Westervelt’s book, Forget Having It All, she says it best, “We still ask women to work like they don’t have kids and parent like they don’t work.” If that statement hits home for you, then you have also heard of the phrase, “Mom Guilt.” All that right there is just a huge set up for failure. It’s just not possible. A few years ago, I had a friend who was also a teacher and had young kids about the same age as mine. Any time I would talk about feeling overwhelmed, feeling like a failure, classic mom guilt talk, she would always stop me and say, “Give yourself GRACE.” It was usually in the form of a text and she would put the grace in all caps. It has always stuck with me and has been a mantra for me when my inner mom critic voice starts to get loud. I know that if you approach balance as an authentic and daily practice, you will find sustainability and less burn out. If you don’t already, take time to create your family’s core values. You just need a few to center around. When it feels shaky, find your ground by going back to your core values, take whatever supports you need (hey, McDonald’s), take the word should out of your mind and mouth, and give yourself GRACE.

Don’t underestimate the incredible skills you are acquiring while learning how to be a working parent. You are now working twice or three times as hard to honor yourself and your commitments and you are doing it! When trying to find authentic balance at work, it can be a little more complicated since you have a different level of responsibility. Always keep strong and consistent communication with your managers or stakeholders. Sickness and emergencies happen, but always be upfront and have your contingencies in place. You will want to set some clear boundaries with your time outside of work. Maybe you don’t check work email between 6pm-6am or respond to team texts after 7. Whatever it is, make sure your boundary aligns with your values, that it’s authentic, and that you can practice it with consistency.

Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx, says, “The struggle is real. The juggle is real. That’s why everyone should hire working mothers. They are put in crazy situations all the time and forced to problem solve. They are some of my most resourceful employees.”

Trust that no matter how hard it may be, you are refining, developing, and even acquiring new skills and strength. You are finding your balance in tending to it each day. Some days you might feel like you’re falling, but no, you aren’t failing.

With Gratitude,

Joanna