Notes #2: On catching feelings & short term relationships

Welcome to Notes. A very random type of piece I’ll be writing to expand(or rather think out loud) on any kind of singular thought that I had, a conversation, a quote, a tweet, or absolutely anything else. This will serve just as another small space to force me to write without worrying about any structure or goals whilst not digging deep into the idea either.

So, lately, I’ve been having some entertaining conversations with a friend about their love life. That meant hearing a lot of gossip about their current situation, how they’re feeling about things, and just their views on stuff in general.

This, in turn, meant that I had to give out some advice and my thoughts on the matter, which kind of forced me to think about those issues and views in the first place.

But what made me wonder about some stuff is how I answered some of it. A lot of the time, when they said what was worrying them or what their concerns were… One of my first thoughts was, but why is that an issue? That thought came up a few times about many things. This has been a recurring thought whenever these conversations came up, and I listened to all of the gossip because at times, it felt like the issue had just been created by overthinking potential future concerns.

On top of those conversations, I also had some plots in my life that made me think about dating again. This was a bit different from the conversations, but combined with that and what’s been happening with me, it did have me rethink some stuff that can be applied to my situations.

I know I already had thoughts on this not long ago, where I was thinking about casual dating and figuring out what you want — you can check that out here!

I think there were two main ideas that came up in all of this.

The first was the idea about short-term relationships. Does it matter if the goal or expectation with said person isn’t a serious, long-term commitment? Does it matter if it’s more likely than not that this is going to end for whatever reason? (The reasons can be whatever).

But the whole point is: can you get involved with someone more than casually, fully knowing that this is going to end and it’s not going to lead to a relationship? Can you just enjoy someone’s presence and do all sorts of things together to enjoy life, experience new things, and have fun without any expectations?

I think(and I’ve also been guilty of feeling this way), romance and dating have just been overcomplicated by society to a point where it took out some of the fun that it should have. This isn’t advocating for hookup culture or that kind of fun.

But more so about the general feeling that every relationship with any person feels like it comes with so much pressure, expectation, or potential worry and concerns before it even starts. Before anyone even starts to date someone, there’s already this worry in the back of their mind that they could get hurt or come up with scenarios that haven’t even happened yet.

On the flip side, it also feels like there’s this general view that anything less than an actual committed relationship is below that or less than in comparison. That everything else is just meaningless fun for the sake of fun — that there are long-term, fully exclusive relationships and there’s fun. And if you’re doing the latter, it’s something wrong or something that should change quickly and be serious.

From the conversation with the friend, I joked that it needs to be normalised to simply have genuine fun with people and enjoy their presence, however that it is for as long as it will be, and not worry about anything else beyond that. Because that still doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s not leading anyone on. It’s not being dangerous or unsafe. It’s not clinging onto some false hopes. It’s not expecting anything more than what it is in the moment. Also, on this point, I don’t think short-term should have any implication that it wouldn’t be genuine or casual. Everything can still be very relationship-like.

I saw many TikToks, tweets, articles, and just general conversations that kind of had me shift my view that in your 20s you should not prioritise any kind of long-term relationship. Not in favour of more fun, dating, and hooking up with as many people as possible, but simply more to allow and give yourself the space to be as selfish as you possibly can. Because a great, healthy relationship will mean you can’t only prioritise yourself.

And being 25, I do agree that the default view on relationships shouldn’t be that maybe there’s an expectation of it being long-term.

Now, related to that idea — I guess it’s what would cause someone to answer no to a lot of those questions — the second is whether catching and developing feelings is a bad thing.

You will hear a lot of the time that someone won’t get involved with someone because they will grow attached and they will develop feelings and things will get complicated or confusing. And all that’s going to happen is someone is going to get hurt, one way or the other. It’s always this aversion to getting hurt — which is kind of valid, but I also feel like in those situations, people get hurt for different reasons, rather than by simply getting attached and genuinely having feelings for another.

My rough thought on all of that, and I don’t mean that in a cold way, but should that even matter? Should the potential risk of getting hurt matter here?

I think some of that would go back to the first idea. Where not every relationship or even friendship should be seen as a thing that lasts forever. Without that idea in mind, I don’t see how catching feelings is a bad thing. I recently saw an Instagram Reel that spoke about this and said: “catch feelings, not expectations”.

People in these weird situationships or dating in general don’t typically get hurt because they simply caught feelings, but more because the expectations differ from what the other person may want.

The most obvious scenario is you start dating without either person looking for anything. You go in thinking that this is just casual, but then you both end up spending so much more time together. This then escalates to talking each day. You start doing couple stuff. Lines are blurred. You stop talking to other people and become unofficially exclusive. Feelings are caught and developed.

In the best-case scenario, both people still feel the same about the situation in whatever way — whether that is this is now heading towards a relationship, and we both want it, or that this is just the same as it started.

In the typical scenario, one person would see all of the things that happened and change the expectations of what should now happen. One will then start to believe that this is heading towards a relationship, so they could expect being exclusive, talking more daily, making more of an effort to go on actual dates, etc. Whereas the other person may not feel that way, and though they enjoy everything that has happened, they may still not see themselves being in an actual committed relationship. That’s where catching feelings usually goes wrong.

Going back to the Reel that I saw, in a different scenario, this would’ve just been catching feelings but not catching or changing any expectations. The expectations didn’t and won’t change until you decide that they have changed and have had the conversation. I don’t think those actions in itself would mean the expectation change.

But none of that means that catching feelings and ending up genuinely liking someone is a bad thing in these situations.

Because why wouldn’t you want to meet someone, where even though neither of you are looking for a serious thing, you can fully trust, enjoy each other’s presence, feel comfortable with, care for them, and also want the best for them. You can feel all of that without complicating things any further. You can feel all of that and do all sorts of things without feeling that you then are pressured to need to label it or make this a serious relationship.

I guess my view on this also comes from the fact that I have and do struggle with seeing the difference between platonic and romantic feelings. To me the lines are either blurred or just straight up not there. I think that plays a part in me not caring about catching feelings because that is a normal thing to me. Once you get to know someone or just spend time with them, that will naturally happen, and it’s not a bad thing. Whether or not that leads to anything romantic doesn’t matter.

Maybe that’s why it’s also easier for me to think about things in this way because even if the involvement with the other person is short-term and feelings are caught, I see no reason at all for that relationship to end fully. If that doesn’t work, the switch to just be friends isn’t a difficult one to flip. To me, there’s little to no downside to developing feelings in a way(I have still been prone to change my expectations when they developed)

Sometimes I don’t know how to even explain or talk about how I feel about this topic.

One other thing that the friend brought up is the fear of getting hurt, which is understandable and valid. You can’t expect everything to go smoothly — feelings and people are unpredictable, and things simply change.

But the worry about getting hurt feels like it’s worse only when you’re either thinking about it potentially happening or in the moment when you do get hurt. A lot of the time, barring some exceptional exceptions where the hurt may be genuine abuse, you won’t really think about it in the future.

Think back how many times you thought a situation was the worst ever or that this breakup was the most horrible experience, and then think back how many times since then you actually feel the same way.

On the other hand, you still have had a great experience, too. Not all relationships that end are or were bad for the whole experience. There obviously were good for X reasons. Sometimes the experience in itself was a needed one.

A bit unrelated and maybe the connection shouldn’t be there, but there’s this question to people who suffered in some ways and whether they’d make that go away if they could. And a lot of the time, the answer is no because all of those experiences led them to how they are where they are now.

I think that’s how things should be looked at if you’re worried about getting hurt because, in most cases, you will not care about the breakup or you getting hurt, but you would’ve still experienced all of the good stuff.

So, I think the conversations with the friend and listening to their complicated situations and concerns about dating and everything else made me rethink a lot of the ways I view this stuff, especially with how life has been recently for me.

As I’ve written in the previous piece, I do tend to overthink and overcomplicate things and was still kind of unsure about figuring out what I want. I feel like this week helped a lot with some clarity — side note, but again, writing helps a lot with clarity.

But going forward, I guess I’m now more open to just going with the flow with anything and anyone because it shouldn’t matter if feelings are caught. That isn’t a bad thing; if anything, that is always a good thing because there will be genuine care for the other person. Then, on the point of any relationships being more short-term. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. It still doesn’t have to change anything.

To wrap up, catching feelings is a good thing, even if it’s for a short period of time, and who cares if you may end up getting hurt?