Your love is unconditional, but..

“I really just feel so guilty about how much he annoys me,” confessed an exhausted, exasperated mom of two, during one of our parent coaching sessions last week. She went on to explain that she and her husband had sent their oldest son, age 4, to their parents’ house for a couple of hours and discovered that they enjoyed spending time with their one-year-old daughter so much more without the older brother around. Did this mean that they loved their daughter more than their son? No. What it meant was that they had an experience which highlighted for them that at least right now, and maybe for most of their experience raising their kids (this remains to be seen), that their son is a more challenging kid to raise than is their daughter. Their son, although they love him dearly, is not very likeable. According to his mom, Tony is bright, overly active, intensely stubborn, unpredictably aggressive with his sister, parents, and peers and wants to move and do things from the minute he wakes up until they force him to sleep at night. Yikes!

This experience is so common, but often parents are afraid to admit that they find one or more kids easier to parent than others. Sometimes the contrasts are not so drastic, but simply that the ability to hold conversations or find common interests is easier with one kiddo over another. Or, perhaps when it’s time to get the kids to do homework, complete chores or get ready for bed a parent finds they naturally avoid one kid more than the others. It’s important for parents to have a safe place to admit these feelings, talk them through with their partner, and then develop strategies to parent each kid in the unique way that each kid needs. When they don’t parenting is often reactive and unconscious, typically resulting in the kids feeling like certain kids are the “favorites”.

Here are a few reasons why it is important that parents acknowledge that some children are harder to parent than others:

• It reduces unconscious favoritism. When parents deny that certain relationships feel more challenging, they may unknowingly become more critical or impatient with that child. Awareness allows parents to monitor their own behavior and that of their partner, making more intentional choices.

• It helps separate the child’s personality from the child’s behavioral struggles. A parent might find a child difficult because they have a temperamental “mismatch”, not because the child is problematic or has a clinically diagnosable disorder. When parents can recognize this distinction and develop tools to make adjustments, they can preserve both the child’s confidence as well as their relationship.

• It encourages the parent’s self-reflection. In my own private practice I developed an approach called The Integrated Parent Approach, which focuses on the parent first understanding who they are before exploring how to parent their child. Self-reflection is a crucial first step in this process. Specific questions I’ll have parents ask themselves include:

  • What specifically is difficult for me about this child?

  • Does this child trigger something from my own childhood?

  • What stories am I telling myself about why this child is behaving this way?

  • Am I expecting this child to be more like me or less like me?

  • Are my expectations realistic?

    The most important part is to remember that parenting is not just about the parent or just about the child. It is always about creating the best fit between the two. A child who feels easy for one parent may feel challenging for another. The goal isn’t to make every relationship feel effortless. And parents shouldn’t feel guilty when they admit to themselves that they don’t like their kids all of the time. A helpful mindset shift might begin with: “This isn’t the child I expected, but he’s the one I’ve got. He requires more than I think I can give, but I don’t have to be perfect at it. I just have to show up and do the best I can.” You’ve got this!