Some real Rhode Island gossip from a real Rhode Island Housewife

Dear Bravo,

As a New Yorker who married a guy from Rhode Island — and then moved with him to the Ocean State 12 years ago — I just want to say, bravo, Bravo. You had me at Cranston.

Prior to the Real Housewives of Rhode Island airing on your network, I’m sure many people were aware of our lovely coastal city of Newport, or of our lovely coastal town of Narragansett. Because of Taylor Swift, they’ve probably also Googled Watch Hill. But to put caché-questionable locales like West Warwick and Cranston, my husband Brett’s hometown, on the map the way you have via drone shots of waterfront mansions that I never knew existed and a beach that nobody in our state likes? Riveting television. Even Brett cannot look away.

So, while Rhode Island is having its moment, I thought I would share some REAL goss about the smallest state in the nation. Here’s stuff you might never learn from the show, because the women casted as real representations of us are too busy fighting at Newport Vineyards and Fleur at the Omni Hotel and Blu on the Water to teach you any truly vital cultural nuggets about the state that I love and that I now call home.

• The official appetizer of Rhode Island is calamari. You’re welcome.

• In Rhode Island, there are actually THREE types of clam chowder, “white,” “red” and “clear.” The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills would recognize one as New England style and the other as Manhattan style. But clear? What the heck is that? The New York Times explains: “Rhode Island clear chowder is a traditional, dairy-free, and tomato-free New England soup featuring a clear, broth-based soup filled with quahog clams, potatoes, onions, and salt pork or bacon. It is known as a lighter, briny, and "original" style chowder that emphasizes the pure flavor of clams.” So there! When you order dinner at Aunt Carrie’s, the server is going to ask which one you want, so you bettah have youah answah ready!

• Speaking of clams. Brace yourself for this one, folks. Foodies that we are, Rhode Islanders have a delicacy all our own. Someone at some point made a mistake near a kitchen fryer and invented a special donut made of clams. It’s called a clam cake, and it’s both very frightening and quite delicious. Imagine a zeppole having a baby with a bunch of clams? Or like a savory donut filled with clams? Or like, a perfectly crunchy, greasy ball to dunk into your (pick a color) chowder? Who needs oyster crackers when you can have a clam cake or three?

• Okay, enough with the seafood. It’s time to talk about pizza. Party pizza, that is. You buy it at a bakery where it sits on a shelf next to the donuts (!!!) and, since it doesn’t have cheese on it, you can grab a room-temp slice wrapped in bakery paper and take it TO THE BEACH with you! This is an actual thing that people in my state do! My own father-in-law does this. Now repeat after me, because this delicacy is pronounced the way a kid refers to a toilet: potty pizza. Lucky for us, Rhode Island Monthly has ranked the best slices — excuse me, I mean “strips.”

  

I’m wondering now if Roger Williams or some other original settler had a problem digesting dairy, and that’s why our chowder has no cream and our pizza has no cheese? Hmmm. Food for thought.

• A summer delicacy that’s a must-try is Del’s frozen lemonade, which you can buy at stores and stands all around the state — and especially on our beaches! It’s scooped into cups and you shake the stuff around and drink it without a straw. My mother asked for a straw once and now we can’t go back to that beach.

• Finally, the next time you come to Rhode Island, you’re going to want to order “three all the way with a coffee milk,” especially if you want to have heartburn for the remainder of your time here. Let’s break it down: three refers to your number of “wieners," or what everyone else on the planet calls hot dogs, because they’re not depraved. “All the way” means you want them with mustard, meat sauce, chopped onions, and celery salt. And the coffee milk is like chocolate milk, only it’s made with coffee-flavored syrup. Go to a diner called Olneyville for the originals.

You heard it here!

I’d just like to add that Rhode Island lives up to it’s Bravo Housewives reputation as being so small that everybody knows everybody. Take for instance that cheating podiatrist on the show. He’s in practice with our very own podiatrist at Rhode Island Foot Care. Is that exciting or what?! Come visit me in Rhode Island anytime — for the best clam cakes in town and very good arch support.

Next time on the Real Housewives of Rhode Island: Julie’s official book tour announcement for The Stargazer of Nantucket! Stay tuned!

xo

Julie

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