My 1:27am scribbles. A tale of two halves

It’s 1:27am and I can’t sleep. I’ve tried and tried and the more I try the more awake I feel and stressed about the fact I can’t sleep.

I’ve tried all my usual tactics including breathwork, taking my herbal tinctures (which usually does help), but not tonight. My brain is too fired-up, too in the tomorrow to be in the now of deep sleep mode. Too focused on the “what if” and “what next” and shifting from one open tab to the next 65 that seem to be constantly open in my brain! Can you relate?

This is the 4th bout of insomnia I’ve experienced this year (more specifically, over the last few months due to what I’ve been going through recently,more on this later) and it’s honestly one of the most frustrating things in the world. Being absolutely exhausted but literally not being able to fall asleep for love nor money.

It almost feels like learnt behaviour at this point, like my brain has somehow been tricked into thinking that getting into bed is its cue to switch ON rather than off.

And you know those things in life that you can sympathise with, but you don’t really understand until you’ve experienced them yourself? Insomnia is one of those things. If you’re reading this and you suffer with it, I really feel for you.

Anyway, I’m sharing this (and all the things I do) because I think it’s easy to assume that “experts” in the wellness space have it all figured out and can expert themselves out of things like insomnia or fertility struggles. That we live these perfectly glossy, problem-free lives where we practice literally everything we preach and maybe a mug of morning broth magically makes everything OK. Spoiler, it does not.

You know that in-between space of being wildly inspired (I’m in my autumn reset planning mode, so this is very typical of what tends to happen when I’m in the pre-launch phase) but also trying to keep my feet on the ground and my nervous system calm. I find this to be quite the consistent battle!

You’d think I would’ve lost that excited spark by now as I approach my 6th Reset because I know the drill, but I actually feel MORE inspired, more lit up and more focused on creating an unforgettable week for my community. Is this what growth feels like when you’re right in the middle of it? When you’re so fired up by something that it actually starts getting in the way of all the health and wellness things you’re preaching for everyone else to do?

Sleep is at the centre of good health, after all. I need these night musings not to become a habit, that’s for sure!!

I have an early start tomorrow too, need to be on the tube at 7:30am, luckily my lovely husband is driving me to the station and has promised a Gail’s on route to get me a matcha for the journey (this should be husband criteria). It will temporarily take the edge off the tiredness I’ll feel and allow me to continue my autumn reset handbook writing or editing the endless recipe content, or writing the captions and Substacks I have in my drafts. See always switching from one tab to the next! Even though this might sound a bit stressful it’s actually not to me.

I feel lucky for the many tabs and the endless to-do list because getting to do my dream job helping women feel good and sane and balanced is something I’ll never take for granted. A job that feels like a hobby because I literally live and breathe it, so the lines between what’s work and what’s life are constantly blurred!! A job that actually pays my bills AND enables me to live my dream life. I mean, what a privilege?

I hit over 100K followers on my instagram page last week, a milestone! I’ve never been a numbers girl I sometimes wish I was more a numbers girl. Maybe sometimes this holds me back. Maybe it wouldn’t have taken me a decade to get to this milestone if I had! But, also what does the actual number matter? It’s the meaning behind the number for me that means something - it means that I have a community of women who have chosen to be in my little corner of the Wild West that’s the internet and that I get to share all of the things I’ve learnt, constantly learning and arguably most interesting - actually living through in real time.

Talking of living through stuff. And I’m only sharing this with you as you are in this for want of a better term “inner circle” (can you help me think of a better term?!) part of my Substack, it’s not something I’ve mentioned anywhere and not assuming people necessarily care I mean everyone is going through stuff right-  it’s part of life- but we have been going through something big (life-changing big) over the last few months. Something that I’ve chosen to live through with James and be fully IN so that I can feel it and navigate it without external input, opinions or having to articulate things. Because articulating it is the hardest part. At times I haven’t been able to make sense of things my self let alone explain them to someone else. But anyway it’s been a tale of two halves for sure - in that way life often is?!

The best of times in the sense we’ve been away on some incredible trips as a family and, importantly as a couple too, but also it’s been mentally and physically taxing too. I know this sounds a bit cryptic I don’t mean it to, not my style. I’m the most open book you can get and it’s not in my nature to withdraw information, but I know you will get it and when it’s the right time I’ll write a Substack on it, when I find the words!

Anyway I should probably get off of this damaging blue light screen (I have it on amber mode if that helps) get some sleep and try to pretend james isn’t snoring next to me!! Does anyone else have this problem with their partner? What do we do about it? Tips welcome in the comments!

Thanks for reading my middle-of-the- night rambles.

Lots of love, Jess X

p.s the picture below is everything I intend on putting into my body when I get up!