is it OK to eat salad again?

Yesterday, in the late evening, I went on a slow-walk errands run to buy dog food. While I was out, I decided to [lil’] treat myself to a chocolate-date smoothie from our nation’s actual best smoothie place. (I talk about this place all the time, including that one time I was randomly asked to share things I love in LA*, which, if you know me at all, is just about the funniest shit in the world.

Longtime readers of this newsletter may recall two things:

1. I think everything about this smoothie habit, of all things, especially in Los Angeles, of all places, is embarrassing, but not so much to stop going or telling people about it.

2. I have an abnormally close relationship with the lady at the smoothie place.

By the time I reached the smoothie place, I was carrying a literal bag of bones (and also dog food) from the pet store. It’s been a fire pit of heat here, so I had on as little clothing as possible: the most comfortable $12 tank top (I own six of these), the Olsen twin sandals, my favorite flat hair clip (my hair is thinning again so I’ve been treating my scalp with this and then loosely pulling it up), and also some not-terrible-fitting Banana Republic shorts that looked kind of like this that I bought before I turned on that brand because there’s always something not right with everything they make.

Speaking of things that are not right, earlier in the day, I was testing a pair of famous $300 pants that were somehow sent to me for free and that I dislike so much they’ve given me writer’s block for the last three days because I cannot precisely describe the nuanced notes of this dislike. MANY people on the internet told me these pants were good! I almost bought these pants — several times! Review/reveal to come.

Is it OK to eat salad again? Does anyone know? I keep hesitating to buy greens, afraid of not only the defecation disease but the shame of having known better and doing it to myself anyway. I did eat arugula (say in a Mr. Howell voice) at my friend Kristy’s on Saturday, and when I asked how she knew it was safe, she confidently said, “because it’s not from Taylor Farms and I washed it in vinegar.” I did not tell her about the 200 Reels I’ve watched that say vinegar doesn’t work because she is a normal person and does not need to be infected with my social-media disease.

Unemployment is disorienting. I’m not struggling so much as I feel out of focus and fuzzy, like time has collapsed and I don’t exactly know where I am in space. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing! When I walked into the smoothie place last night, my smoothie friend and I chatted. At some point she looked straight at me and said, “You know, you look really happy, a lot happier than the last time I saw you.”

On my way home, strolling directly into an orange sunset, carrying my bag of bones and sipping on a smoothie, I was surprised to find, for the moment at least, I was.

x

*apologies for my giant head jump scare

Previously:

• comfortable, walkable sandals that aren’t ugly and aren’t Birkenstocks

• i’ve never wanted a salad more

• this is the best LED mask to buy

• does estrogen cream work for your face?

• good-ass summer clothes for when you’re on fire