Stop Having The Same Dispute Over And Over

There are certain conversations that never get resolved. We can have them again and again, and still feel uncertain. Conversations that leave us with doubt and instability are usually the ones that call for a larger discussion: Is this the right relationship? Can we make this work? How will I get on if we can’t?

I call them crazy-making because it’s the same conversation over and over. No one ever leaves one believing they’ve made a mark. Sometimes I have a first session with a couple who immediately wants to dive into the deep end, not knowing that the reason they are sinking is because they are trying too hard to float.

Perhaps they should try and take the stairs down the shallow end instead.

But empathy is hard when we are in survival mode. We can’t possibly be fighting for our lives and thinking about someone else at the same time can we? At least for me, it’s much easier said than done.

I once read that if you tell a sociopath a story of a person who is suffering, they won’t feel any empathy. But if you ask them to put themselves in the sufferers shoes they can logically understand what that person must be going through.

It is very hard to have empathy when we are only thinking of ourselves.

To lose is to resign our wants and needs to another, even if that other person is our partner. But if we pause, and put ourselves in their shoes for just a moment, then we can learn how to logically understand their views.

This is what I know to be true. Instead of fighting against the facts, we can work with them.

The fact is, your partner believes their truth for a reason. You believe yours for a reason. Both make sense biologically and psychologically when you break them down. Just for a moment, take a tip from a sociopath. Put yourself in your partners shoes. From there - take baby steps and decide on the safest solution.

Start from the stairs. Then work your down to the deeper levels.